Pictures as Promised!

So, after quite a delay, I finally have pictures from my brother's wedding, and so I thought I would share a few since I promised I would. So here goes:





Becca and I










The Bridesmaids











Mi Familia









David (the Best Man) and myself








Russ and the Ladies (Apparently my bro is quite popular!)







The Happy Couple at Last!

The Garden

This post is kind of a response to a comment on my recent post entitled "Friendship Revisited". I said that I was feeling it necessary to proceed in this friendship with caution, and I received a comment that I needed to be willing to take risks. I have also have several conversations since then with others during which I expressed a desire to not talk to this particular friend. Nobody seems to quite understand where I am coming from, and I really don't know how to explain it. And then I came across something in the book I've been reading that expresses my feelings perfectly--much better than I could have done on my own. The book is called Revelations of a Single Woman. And in one chapter, the author explains a relationship/friendship much like my own in which her desires are completely different than those of the man involved. And here is the letter that she wrote in response to him when he questioned her for pulling away:

Okay Simon. Please let me explain something. You are right when you sense that I am "pulling back," but I'd like to take a minute to explain. See, Simon, a woman's heart is a lot like a garden. There are, in the garden, public areas. This is where almost anyone can traverse (read: decent colleagues, the kind checker at the grocery store, the rare person on the subway who gives up his or her seat, neighbors who want to borrow a tool, parents of friends, little kids in the park, etc.) Then there is the center of her garden. It's a special place, reserved ultimately for the person who wants to commit to "husband her garden permanently," so to speak. (I know you're into etymology, Simon. I guess you know that the word husband is actually an agricultural term.)
Anyhow, the tricky part, of course, is that there's this in-between place, somewhere between the inner sanctum and the outer ring, and that's where this all gets confusing. Basically, Simon, the folks I let into this more fluid in-between part are some key family members, longtime girlfriends, a few guys I consider brothers, my boss who I know cares for me, and guys who are interested in exploring the idea of entering into that inner sanctum. The problem, Simon, is that once a guy whom I like--and Simon, I have felt chemistry between us--decides he's not particularly interested in long term inner-sanctum husbandry, I can't let him wander all around the middle ground anymore. If I do, then he inevitably crosses lines he doesn't know he's crossing, and I inevitable try to pull him into the center. He can't figure out why I'm all upset (because, afterall, he was honest about his lack of intentions), and I keep hoping I'm going to change him. That, Simon, is a recipe for disaster.
So, brother Simon, that's the scoop. I hope this helps. I do care about you, and I want you in my public areas, so to speak. But in light of everything you've said, for now, that's all I can invite.


Don't get me wrong... This is not to say that I'm giving up entirely. However, this is to say that at this point, all I am prepared to do is sit back and wait, come what may. I am tired of the tug-of-war and now that I know where things stand, I am no longer trying to pull someone into my inner garden who doesn't want to be there, and I am hoping to meet someone, new or old, who is interested in going there...

Where I Reside

I have lived with a very odd collection of people over the last few years. Since permanently moving out of my parents' house, I have had some very interesting roommates. There was the drifting Christian who asked me to lie to her parents if they asked if she was sleeping with her boyfriend. There was the guy who spent 10-14 hours a day on the computer doing whatever it is that gamers do, and only once or twice emerging from his bedroom to share a meal with the rest of us. There was the legalistic Christian who gave away her bed so that she could know the suffering of people without, but then ended up sleeping on the futon in the living room most nights. She was also the the one who tried using the "Daniel Fast" as a long-term diet and claimed to have a wheat allergy, but would eat an entire box of crackers in one sitting. There was a very peaceful time when it was just my brother, his girlfriend (now wife) and I--despite the conflicts in beliefs and lifestyles, that was the easiest living situation up to that point. And the current was a little better than that. Here, I have lived with people who all work at the Evil K. We allow ourselves one small segment of Evil K ranting per week, and after that, all talk turns to other subjects. Some of the bigger challenges here have been the dishes (which are always piling up), ruined cookware (teflon flakes in mac & cheese... Yummy...), the insanely expensive utilities (which don't fully benefit me because the gas heat and A/C do not cover the back part of the house), the mice, ants and spiders (I don't like crawly things), and the fact that our street does not get plowed when it snows and my car does not handle snow well. There has also been the fact that my cat has to stay in the back because the two cats in the house don't get along. I just feel bad that he doesn't ever get to hang in the front where the heat and A/C are.

The point of all of this is that all of these battles are about to end. No more washing dishes that have already been "washed", no more mice, no more freezing/melting, no more driving/sliding to work in the snow. As long as I'm approved, I will be moving into my own apartment, by myself, on January 12. My cat will have free reign over the place and any dishes left in the sink will be mine. And I will pay half as much for utilities that will actually heat/cool my room! Oh yeah, and I'll be able to walk to work rain, snow or shine! This will be a very good way to start the new year...

Friendship Revisited.

I just had a conversation with a friend whom I haven't spoken to, as friends, for over a year. I got what I was waiting for from this friend at long last, though not necessarily what I wanted. I am grateful to have this friendship back because of the timing--because I've been praying for a friend who would be available to me when I get off work. I am grateful to have back the things that I missed, the easy and comfortable conversations, the way we understand one another, and so on. I am also glad to have an added layer in this friendship, being a layer of openness that wasn't there before, which is what I wanted most of all. At the same time, I am aware that I need to be cautious. Please pray that I will continue to let Jesus alone be my source of joy and that I would not allow myself to depend on others for this.

Wishing You

A HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!

When Not to Trust

I have been told by numerous people in my life, but most frequently by my mother, that I am too trusting and too forgiving. On one occasion, a friend forgot to show up for my birthday dinner. I was upset, but I forgave the friend. To this day, my mom still holds a grudge against that person. I used to ignore her because I thought that there is no such thing as being TOO trusting or TOO forgiving. And yet, everytime I choose to forgive and forget, I end up being let down repeatedly by that person. I know forgiving is a good thing, as is trusting, and I still deny that it's possible to be TOO forgiving. But I'm starting to wonder about the TOO trusting. If someone tells me that they are going to do something, than I usually take that person at his/her word. But more times than not, I end up being disappointed. On the less important end of the spectrum, I don't go see a movie that I really want to see because person a says she wants to go see it with me, and then I end up missing it. Or I don't bring lunch to work because person b says that he's going to bring me something. Those obviously aren't that big of issues. But if I can't trust people to do the small things that they said they would do, how can I possibly trust them on the big things. It's one thing to call and say "hey, I can't make it after all." I'm perfectly fine with that. But to just blow it off altogether, just makes me mad. It makes me not want to be around the people who don't keep their word and never apologize for the broken promise or forgetting the plans. So at what point is it okay to be skeptical of what others tell us? Should we continue to trust them when they've given us no reason to?

To Tell or Not To Tell...

The recent crises at work have left me feeling rather contemplative. My novel has not been going well because of the time spent at work, but I don't resent this because I need to be there during this. I have a co-worker who is experiencing some things that I've experienced in the past, which is the cause of the contemplative mood. The contemplative mood got me wondering why I was having such a hard time with the story that I'm trying to write. And I thought I felt a nudge that this is not the story I need to be telling right now. That I need to go back to one that I've already started and failed to finish. I need to finish writing MY story. The one about how I reached where I am right now. The one I was still too involved in to write a year ago. The one I'm not sure I want to finish.
What's that? Why would I not want to finish it? But the problem is, if I finish it, I have to do something with it. And if I do something with it, I have to tell my parents a lot of things that they don't know that I'm not sure how they will take it. And yet I feel a nudge back toward this project. It is the time. Now that I'm more secure in myself. Now that I know people who need to read it.
Which brings me back to work. As I said, I have a co-worker who is experiencing some things that I experience in the past. And I know that Jesus is the only one who can fix these problems. I don't even know yet if this co-worker will be returning to work, but I'm afraid for that time. I was talking to my only Christian co-worker about this and he told me that maybe that's what I'm still at the Evil K for. This terrifies me. Right in the middle of the time when I'm trying to escape, right when it seemed it was time to leave, and all of a sudden there appears to be a reason for me to be there. I mean, I know that there's always purpose, but this is a big thing. It almost feels too big for me to handle if this co-worker comes back to work. I don't know how to do it. I know that I don't have to worry about it because God will take care of the timing and give me direction, but that doesn't stop me from worrying, even though I know that worrying does no good. At any any rate, I know that this all sounds like a crazy, jumbled mess in this context, but if I talk to you in person, I'll be sure to explain...

Over and out!

How Far I've Come

Today something happened at work that made me realize once again/even more so, how far I've come in the six years that Jesus has been in my life. I can't really be very specific in this forum, but I feel extremely blessed when I think about how much has changed, even in the last year. Here's a brief list of a few of them, just to get them out there, and because I want God to be glorified through them:

1. Last year, after I actually sought to find healing for some things in my past at the recommendation of a good friend (you know who you are), the anniversary of the events in question came and went without me actually realizing it. Since that time, it has become more of a story of victory for me, rather than another reason to beat myself up.

2. Last year, after I made the decision that I'd like to lead a small group was also the time when I actually began tithing regularly from every paycheck. When I made that choice, I had SIX credit cards that still needed to be paid off (see Aug. 3, 2005 post) and I had been struggling to pay some of them off for over FIVE years. Now, just over a year later, I will only have ONE credit card left to pay off as of this Friday.

3. Sometime last fall, because of something that someone *cough*scoey*cough* said, I recognized that I was very reclusive at church--that I tended to just hang out in a corner waiting for someone to come and talk to me, rather than actually going out and making the effort to talk the them. In the last year, I have been told that I've become somewhat of a social butterfly. Hmmm, amazing, isn't it?

These are just a few key examples of WONDERFUL things God has done in my life in the last year or so. Perhaps I will add more in a couple of weeks in honor of Thanksgiving.

P.S. To anyone who's wondering about the novel word count, I will have to update that after I get a bit more caught up. We are currently in crisis mode at work, and so I will have to catch up this weekend.

Checking in

Even if nobody is reading this, I'm checking in with my progress, anyway because I'm hoping that if I stop, someone will kick my butt back into gear. So here it is:

Current word count: 5,262
Where I should be: 5,100
Current page count: 13 1/4
Words to go: 44,738

Keepin' it moving!

Current word count: 3,474
Current page count: almost nine
Words to go: 46,526

That is all. I will resume in the morning.