The below is a post I made on my Facebook page in response to something a friend shared about why the "right" is the side for Christians when it comes to politics. My initial response was anger and I wanted to write an argument to DESTROY that point of view. And my gut reaction was not loving at all. Next, I wanted to show all of the ways that the "right" is wrong. And then all of the ways the "left" is wrong and why we're all just totally HOSED! And then my husband saw the same post I had seen and said, "I can't believe he would post that on Easter." And in that statement I was convicted. I had been writing a post that only saw the bad and did not see the cross. I still felt compelled to share my heart but in that moment God placed the love colored glasses in front of my eyes and what follows is the result.
A thought on Easter - Jesus gave his life to save all humanity. Jesus's sacrifice is bigger than race, gender, nationality, denomination, and (particularly timely) political affiliation. It is a free gift to ANYBODY who would accept it. I do not like conflict so I only talk politics with those who have proven they can have a differing opinion without making it a competition. But today my heart is weighing as my newsfeed fills with vitriolic statements on a day that is supposed to be all about God's LOVE.
During election seasons I tend to keep my thoughts to myself because I find myself disgusted by all of the hatred and mean-spiritedness that goes along with it. My ideal candidate would be the one who made their campaign by serving the people in tangible ways. Spending their campaign dollars on helping rather than hurting. I am registered as a non-partisan because I think both sides have it wrong. Yes, I think life begins at conception, but I cannot fully support the party that values the unborn but fails to care for the hurting, broken and downtrodden who are already among us. At the same time I cannot fully throw myself behind the party that wants to take care of people but fails to hold them accountable in any way. I struggle with the death penalty because while my flesh thinks some people deserve it, my heart reminds me I'm called to forgive. There are so many things that seem disconnected from the heart of God on each side that nobody can rightly claim that one party has all of the right answers. God calls his people to unity, not division modern day politics are all about division.
I recently saw an article suggesting that rather than protesting abortion clinics, perhaps the more Christ-like and loving thing to do would be to hold signs offering to adopt the unwanted children. My heart found joy in this idea and my mind saw it as a balance between both sides of the political spectrum. It addresses the moral desire to save the unborn but offers a loving and compassionate alternative to what may seem like a struggling woman's only option.
So this Easter, as one of the most contentious elections on the books swirls around us, why don't we show what Jesus' sacrifice was all about by loving not just those like us, but also those who oppose us; serving not just those who earn it, but also those who have made mistakes; and spending time with not just those who already know and accept Jesus but also those who have so often been shut out that they despise all that he stands for. Let us show Jesus' love by how we love.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Cleanse Me of My Pride
When I tell the story of how I first became a Christian, I usually say that I didn't know that I wasn't a Christian until I became one. It sounds strange, but when you grow up in a culture that associates church attendance and a vague belief in God with Christianity, it makes a bit more sense. As a baby, I was baptized Lutheran and attended a Lutheran church until I was nine years old. To me, that made me a Christian. I didn't know any different until I was 21 years old.
I discovered the real meaning of being a Christian and made the choice for myself in October of 2000. Because I'd already considered myself a Christian previously, and everyone around me did the same, I didn't tell anybody that I had made an active decision to follow Christ. And as I began my new life, I continued to let everyone around me believe that things were as they had always been. I was attending an on campus Christian group at UNR and didn't have a church home yet. The on campus group talked a lot about evangelism, but not much about baptism of any kind. I had no idea that baptism was anything different than the sprinkling I had been given as a baby.
About a year after I'd made my decision for Christ, I was attending another conference and they told everyone to line up in one of several lines around the room. They had bowls of water where they had people to pray for us at each bowl. It is a vague memory of being sprinkled for a second time in my life.
The first time I heard of baptism as it is talked about in the Bible was a little while after that once I'd found a church home. I told myself that the sprinkling from the bowls was good enough because it had been a symbol of my adult choice. That even though they didn't specifically call it a baptism, it kind of was.
The longer I attended church, the more the subject came up. I could hear a little voice in my head telling me that I should do it, and then a louder voice - my mom's voice- came in and told me that I was already baptized Lutheran and that's what I would always be. Each time the church did a baptism at the Marina or at the river, I would go and celebrate with the people being baptized and each time my mom would say "You'd better not be getting baptized! You're a Lutheran!" I knew that I was a Christian,, that it was my choice, but I was terrified that my mom would love me less if I got baptized at my church. So I continued to tell myself that the sprinkling I'd experienced at a college conference was good enough.
After a few more years as a Christian, I'd developed the confidence to not worry so much about losing my mom's love and when the subject of baptism came up, the little voice telling me to do it was louder and my mom's voice was quieter. But by that point, I felt like it was too late - like if I did it I would just look like a fraud because I'd already been a Christian for so long without being properly baptized. I was afraid that everyone I knew would stop trusting me if I let them find out that I'd never been properly baptized. I felt like I'd been faking it for so long, that it had become reality.
Over the next several years, I continued to have the nagging feeling that I needed to go through with it, and the feeling only intensified after my mom passed away and her earthly feelings could no longer be hurt. But each time, I made excuses and told myself that the college sprinkling was good enough. I was too afraid of looking like a fool to go through with it. I put my pride in first place and Jesus in second place. I was so busy protecting my image, keeping up the façade, that I didn't even consider the fact that I was being disobedient.
Everything began to shift and change in September as I worked to fit in at a new church home. I was already having to set aside my fear and my pride to build new relationships in a new home. And as I began to feel more comfortable, and I watched a couple of baptisms in my new home, I saw through new eyes. I saw that when someone is baptized, there is no judgment regardless of the circumstance - there is only celebrating. There came a point when I knew in my heart that the next baptism opportunity that came up, I was going to do it. It was time to be stripped clean of my pride and to take a step of obedience. Today was that day. I won't deny that I spent the better part of a week beforehand beating myself up for not doing it sooner. And I won't deny that I was embarrassed because part of me was still worried about how I look to others. But despite all of that, I did what needed to be done and I was properly baptized today, over 12 years after I first accepted Christ.
I can't help but wonder what I may have missed out on in my walk with Jesus by waiting so long to take this particular step of obedience, but that is in the past, and I can only learn from it. And moving forward I will certainly be much quicker to act in obedience and much less likely to be held back by my pride. At least I pray that is the case.
I discovered the real meaning of being a Christian and made the choice for myself in October of 2000. Because I'd already considered myself a Christian previously, and everyone around me did the same, I didn't tell anybody that I had made an active decision to follow Christ. And as I began my new life, I continued to let everyone around me believe that things were as they had always been. I was attending an on campus Christian group at UNR and didn't have a church home yet. The on campus group talked a lot about evangelism, but not much about baptism of any kind. I had no idea that baptism was anything different than the sprinkling I had been given as a baby.
About a year after I'd made my decision for Christ, I was attending another conference and they told everyone to line up in one of several lines around the room. They had bowls of water where they had people to pray for us at each bowl. It is a vague memory of being sprinkled for a second time in my life.
The first time I heard of baptism as it is talked about in the Bible was a little while after that once I'd found a church home. I told myself that the sprinkling from the bowls was good enough because it had been a symbol of my adult choice. That even though they didn't specifically call it a baptism, it kind of was.
The longer I attended church, the more the subject came up. I could hear a little voice in my head telling me that I should do it, and then a louder voice - my mom's voice- came in and told me that I was already baptized Lutheran and that's what I would always be. Each time the church did a baptism at the Marina or at the river, I would go and celebrate with the people being baptized and each time my mom would say "You'd better not be getting baptized! You're a Lutheran!" I knew that I was a Christian,, that it was my choice, but I was terrified that my mom would love me less if I got baptized at my church. So I continued to tell myself that the sprinkling I'd experienced at a college conference was good enough.
After a few more years as a Christian, I'd developed the confidence to not worry so much about losing my mom's love and when the subject of baptism came up, the little voice telling me to do it was louder and my mom's voice was quieter. But by that point, I felt like it was too late - like if I did it I would just look like a fraud because I'd already been a Christian for so long without being properly baptized. I was afraid that everyone I knew would stop trusting me if I let them find out that I'd never been properly baptized. I felt like I'd been faking it for so long, that it had become reality.
Over the next several years, I continued to have the nagging feeling that I needed to go through with it, and the feeling only intensified after my mom passed away and her earthly feelings could no longer be hurt. But each time, I made excuses and told myself that the college sprinkling was good enough. I was too afraid of looking like a fool to go through with it. I put my pride in first place and Jesus in second place. I was so busy protecting my image, keeping up the façade, that I didn't even consider the fact that I was being disobedient.
Everything began to shift and change in September as I worked to fit in at a new church home. I was already having to set aside my fear and my pride to build new relationships in a new home. And as I began to feel more comfortable, and I watched a couple of baptisms in my new home, I saw through new eyes. I saw that when someone is baptized, there is no judgment regardless of the circumstance - there is only celebrating. There came a point when I knew in my heart that the next baptism opportunity that came up, I was going to do it. It was time to be stripped clean of my pride and to take a step of obedience. Today was that day. I won't deny that I spent the better part of a week beforehand beating myself up for not doing it sooner. And I won't deny that I was embarrassed because part of me was still worried about how I look to others. But despite all of that, I did what needed to be done and I was properly baptized today, over 12 years after I first accepted Christ.
I can't help but wonder what I may have missed out on in my walk with Jesus by waiting so long to take this particular step of obedience, but that is in the past, and I can only learn from it. And moving forward I will certainly be much quicker to act in obedience and much less likely to be held back by my pride. At least I pray that is the case.
Saturday, July 07, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Finding Balance, Feeling Hope
There has been so much going on lately and while most of it is good, it can still sometimes be overwhelming. If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I'm not the person I used to be. This, for the most part, is a really good thing. Not to say that who I was before was bad, just that I've grown and learned to have hope for the future even when it isn't easy. I have been very focused on being positive and upbeat - which is good, because nobody is inspired by a Debbie downer or a Negative Nelly. When I look back at my old posts and I wonder to myself how I kept any friends. All I ever did was complain! Looking back on it, I feel like I was really selfish. I wanted everyone to come to me. To feel sorry for me. To make me feel better. All the while, what was I doing for anyone else? I wasn't making much effort to be in real relationships with other people. I kept to myself, didn't really talk to anyone unless they talked to me first. It probably made me seem like a snob. Like I thought I was too important to talk to them. Or that I flat out didn't want to talk to anyone. Like I was closed for business - not open to hear about what others had going on in their lives.
So here I am now, and over the last two years I have experienced the most devastating sorrow and the most invigorating joy. Right now, I am finding some of the things I have wanted most in my life and I am so excited to see what the future has. I am in a relationship with a Godly man who makes me believe that all of the time that I spent alone because I wasn't willing to settle was totally worth it. I have found my strength and competitive drive again through CrossFit, which shows me a new way every day that I am stronger than I was yesterday. I am in an apartment that is filled with light, both physically and spiritually. I feel comfortable here - I am not afraid to be alone in this place, nor am I ashamed to have people join me here. I still have a lot of work to do here, but at the moment it feels like home. I have a job where I am needed and where I am missed when I go away - and it's not just the things that I do that are missed, but me as a person - and that feels amazing.
It is great that so many good things are happening, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a bad day. That I don't still struggle with negativity sometimes. I think in my desire to be more positive and thankful, I have sometimes been going to the other extreme and trying to keep things to myself that I really should be talking about because I don't want to be that person again - the person who only complained and had very little positive to offer. I don't want to become a burden on another person by always talking about the struggles - and so I try to keep it to myself until I can put a more positive spin on it, but the problem is, I am horrible at poker. Wait? I know you're wondering what poker has to do with anything, but I swear, it's relevant. I am horrible at poker because I cannot hide anything. If I am happy, everyone can see it written on my face. And if I'm struggling, well, you're going to see that, too. So while I'm trying to put a more positive light on the less than happy feelings before speaking them, I end up coming across like I'm trying to hide something - when really I'm trying to be mindful of what I'm going to say. So now, I will begin working on finding the happy spot that will allow me to remain the more positive and upbeat version of myself that I have become while still expressing those dark things and struggles that need to be expressed when they need to be expressed. Not everything has to be sunshine and roses.
So today, I am very happy to have new adventures to look forward to, but I am also going to acknowledge that it's a bit of a rough emotional time for me. It's only the second year since my mom passed away. Last year was all about just getting by. Just making it through another day - making it past the year mark, because maybe then things would be just a little bit easier. And I wouldn't necessarily say that it's easier the second year, but it's different. It's not so much a searing pain that will not allow you to feel anything else. This year it's more like a dull ache. You know that it's there, you can feel it all the time, but it's not all you feel. It's not at the forefront of your attention screaming to be dealt with. It is just hanging out in the background as you live life the best way you know how. There are other little things that are not perfect right now, but in the grand scope of things, they really don't matter all of that much - and I know that they just sometimes feel bigger than they are because of the dull ache that's hanging in the background.
So I will press on, keeping my heart open to whatever new adventures God has for me and trying to become the person he has created me to be. I know that he wants to make me the best version of myself - he gave me this heart and this sensitivity for a a reason, and I don't need to hide it away. Now I just have to let Him mold me into the version of myself that he envisioned. He made me beautiful, all of us beautiful, and sometimes even the things that we dislike about ourselves are some of the most beautiful things.
So here I am now, and over the last two years I have experienced the most devastating sorrow and the most invigorating joy. Right now, I am finding some of the things I have wanted most in my life and I am so excited to see what the future has. I am in a relationship with a Godly man who makes me believe that all of the time that I spent alone because I wasn't willing to settle was totally worth it. I have found my strength and competitive drive again through CrossFit, which shows me a new way every day that I am stronger than I was yesterday. I am in an apartment that is filled with light, both physically and spiritually. I feel comfortable here - I am not afraid to be alone in this place, nor am I ashamed to have people join me here. I still have a lot of work to do here, but at the moment it feels like home. I have a job where I am needed and where I am missed when I go away - and it's not just the things that I do that are missed, but me as a person - and that feels amazing.
It is great that so many good things are happening, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a bad day. That I don't still struggle with negativity sometimes. I think in my desire to be more positive and thankful, I have sometimes been going to the other extreme and trying to keep things to myself that I really should be talking about because I don't want to be that person again - the person who only complained and had very little positive to offer. I don't want to become a burden on another person by always talking about the struggles - and so I try to keep it to myself until I can put a more positive spin on it, but the problem is, I am horrible at poker. Wait? I know you're wondering what poker has to do with anything, but I swear, it's relevant. I am horrible at poker because I cannot hide anything. If I am happy, everyone can see it written on my face. And if I'm struggling, well, you're going to see that, too. So while I'm trying to put a more positive light on the less than happy feelings before speaking them, I end up coming across like I'm trying to hide something - when really I'm trying to be mindful of what I'm going to say. So now, I will begin working on finding the happy spot that will allow me to remain the more positive and upbeat version of myself that I have become while still expressing those dark things and struggles that need to be expressed when they need to be expressed. Not everything has to be sunshine and roses.
So today, I am very happy to have new adventures to look forward to, but I am also going to acknowledge that it's a bit of a rough emotional time for me. It's only the second year since my mom passed away. Last year was all about just getting by. Just making it through another day - making it past the year mark, because maybe then things would be just a little bit easier. And I wouldn't necessarily say that it's easier the second year, but it's different. It's not so much a searing pain that will not allow you to feel anything else. This year it's more like a dull ache. You know that it's there, you can feel it all the time, but it's not all you feel. It's not at the forefront of your attention screaming to be dealt with. It is just hanging out in the background as you live life the best way you know how. There are other little things that are not perfect right now, but in the grand scope of things, they really don't matter all of that much - and I know that they just sometimes feel bigger than they are because of the dull ache that's hanging in the background.
So I will press on, keeping my heart open to whatever new adventures God has for me and trying to become the person he has created me to be. I know that he wants to make me the best version of myself - he gave me this heart and this sensitivity for a a reason, and I don't need to hide it away. Now I just have to let Him mold me into the version of myself that he envisioned. He made me beautiful, all of us beautiful, and sometimes even the things that we dislike about ourselves are some of the most beautiful things.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Looking Back to Move Forward
Today, my dear friend Noel hosted a blog link-up event- which is a bit technical for me (I'm kind of an internet idiot compared to many of my blogging friends) - that gave me the opportunity to look back at some of my old posts. In reading through some of my old posts, I can clearly see how much has changed since 7 years ago when I started my blog. I used to be so focused on the past. I clung to it, like a toddler to a blankie, finding comfort in playing the victim. That's not to say that I was never a victim, because there have been times that I have experienced some less than pleasant things. But when I first started blogging, those less than pleasant things were my identity. They were all I talked about. I could not imagine the future because I was so focused on past hurts and heart aches. I pretended that they didn't matter, and yet I dredged them up over and over again because I didn't know who I was without them.
Today, I know that I a much different person. A lot has changed in the seven years I have been blogging. I have loved and lost and learned to love again. I have said some difficult goodbyes. I have learned the value of caring for myself so that I can better care for others. I have gained weight and lost weight. I have found new hobbies and passions, but my passion for writing remains. I have taken chances and even when things have turned out differently than I would have liked, I have learned from the experience. So much has changed, but more than anything else, my identity has changed. I no longer see myself as a victim. I have found confidence in my faith - the faith that has carried me through all of the difficult things that I have blogged about over the past seven years. I am a fighter, and I fight with confidence because God has promised victory. Even if that victory does not look the way I expect it to, I will be victorious in Him. I am far from perfect, and I still slip up and let the victim mentality take over every once in a while, but reading my old posts, I can also see how far I've come.
Some people would say that the past is the past and we shouldn't dwell on it, and I absolutely agree with the second part. We definitely should avoid dwelling on the past - however remembering and reflecting on the past can be a beautiful thing, because looking back to see how far we've come may be just the motivation we need to continue moving forward. I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but when I look back and see where I started and how far I've come, I have the confidence I need to finish the race.
Today, I know that I a much different person. A lot has changed in the seven years I have been blogging. I have loved and lost and learned to love again. I have said some difficult goodbyes. I have learned the value of caring for myself so that I can better care for others. I have gained weight and lost weight. I have found new hobbies and passions, but my passion for writing remains. I have taken chances and even when things have turned out differently than I would have liked, I have learned from the experience. So much has changed, but more than anything else, my identity has changed. I no longer see myself as a victim. I have found confidence in my faith - the faith that has carried me through all of the difficult things that I have blogged about over the past seven years. I am a fighter, and I fight with confidence because God has promised victory. Even if that victory does not look the way I expect it to, I will be victorious in Him. I am far from perfect, and I still slip up and let the victim mentality take over every once in a while, but reading my old posts, I can also see how far I've come.
Some people would say that the past is the past and we shouldn't dwell on it, and I absolutely agree with the second part. We definitely should avoid dwelling on the past - however remembering and reflecting on the past can be a beautiful thing, because looking back to see how far we've come may be just the motivation we need to continue moving forward. I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but when I look back and see where I started and how far I've come, I have the confidence I need to finish the race.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Coming Home Again
So, there is something to be said for coming home again. I just got home on Sunday from a 10 day vacation and the first night home, everything felt surreal. Even thought I've lived in Reno my whole life, it felt unfamiliar. I mean, obviously I still knew where I was going and everything, but it somehow looked completely different. It looked darker and brighter at the same time. I can't really explain it. So I found myself wondering why things felt so different. Normally when I come home from a vacation, I am comforted by the familiarity of home - but this time I was kind of confused by the unfamiliarity of everything because I wasn't sure where it was coming from.
I thought about it and realized that the life that I'm living now, the one that I have come home to, has not really become familiar yet. I moved into my apartment less than a month before I left for vacation. I have only had someone to miss when I go away for a few months. After years and years of a life that was more lonely and empty, this current life still feels unfamiliar. Not in a bad way, just in a way that means that there are still surprises, still new discoveries to be made, new feelings to be felt. It's actually exciting. Exhilarating. I am enjoying the freshness of every new day for the first time in a very long time and it's taken the experience of coming home again to make me realize that.
I thought about it and realized that the life that I'm living now, the one that I have come home to, has not really become familiar yet. I moved into my apartment less than a month before I left for vacation. I have only had someone to miss when I go away for a few months. After years and years of a life that was more lonely and empty, this current life still feels unfamiliar. Not in a bad way, just in a way that means that there are still surprises, still new discoveries to be made, new feelings to be felt. It's actually exciting. Exhilarating. I am enjoying the freshness of every new day for the first time in a very long time and it's taken the experience of coming home again to make me realize that.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
Motherless Day
As Mother's Day approaches, the television and radio stations are filled with advertisements for potential Mother's Day gifts. I hear the beginnings of the commercials, then I have to change the station. I don't want to think about what all of these people all over the country will be doing to honor their mothers while I am sitting at home wishing that I still had that privilege. I am struggling, particularly because Mother's Day falls on the 13th this year. I miss my mom because she was my best friend - she was the one that I turned to for advice and also shared all of my happy times with.
I know that my dad is having a difficult time right now, too. It's hard because for the past two years I've had all the time in the world to spend with him, and now I don't. It's hard to balance moving forward in my life while also honoring my dad and taking care of him as much as I can. I know that he's a grown man and capable of taking care of himself, and yet in some ways he's not because until two years ago, he never really had to. So missing my mom has so many levels. I know that she would want me to be living my life. She would be so happy for the good things that are happening for me right now. She would want me to be enjoying every minute of this. And I want to be able to do that. But I also need to make sure my dad is taking care of himself, that he is not isolating himself - because I love and care about him - and also because nobody else is going to step up and do it. I only pray that I can be the daughter that my mom raised me to be even though she's not here anymore. And I pray that I can find a balance to living my own life while still taking care of my dad.
I know that my dad is having a difficult time right now, too. It's hard because for the past two years I've had all the time in the world to spend with him, and now I don't. It's hard to balance moving forward in my life while also honoring my dad and taking care of him as much as I can. I know that he's a grown man and capable of taking care of himself, and yet in some ways he's not because until two years ago, he never really had to. So missing my mom has so many levels. I know that she would want me to be living my life. She would be so happy for the good things that are happening for me right now. She would want me to be enjoying every minute of this. And I want to be able to do that. But I also need to make sure my dad is taking care of himself, that he is not isolating himself - because I love and care about him - and also because nobody else is going to step up and do it. I only pray that I can be the daughter that my mom raised me to be even though she's not here anymore. And I pray that I can find a balance to living my own life while still taking care of my dad.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sweet Relief
Today was a busy, but a rather productive day... In the morning, we participated in Community Service Day at the Food Bank for work. I was still feeling a little bit stressed out because there was a decent amount of cleaning left to do at the old apartment. It wasn't too bad, because I knew everything would get done, but I still dreaded going back to there. My old apartment was kind of a place of hopelessness and discouragement because so many things went wrong in my life while I lived there. I didn't really realize it until I'd spent a couple of nights in my new apartment, but the old apartment was filled with negative energy. It was dark and dreary. Once I went back there after spending time in my new apartment, I felt a definite difference. Walking into that old apartment made me feel sad all over again. It sucked the life right out of me. I had been surviving there for a couple of years, but the reality is, I wasn't really LIVING there. Basically, it was a storage unit with a bedroom. I kept my stuff there and I slept there, and that was about it. Anything of any significance, anything pleasant or enjoyable that I've done for the past two years was done outside of that apartment. I can honestly say that I did not enjoy much of the time that I spent there. It wasn't all miserable, but it was definitely not pleasant.
Today, I got the last of my stuff out of that place and into the new place. All that's left to do is to finish the oven (the oven cleaner had to sit overnight) and mop the floors. Then I can turn in my keys and be done with that chapter of my life once and for all. There is still a ton of work to do at my new apartment, but I am feeling encouraged that it will get done fairly quickly and then I will have the opportunity to celebrate this new beginning and bring joy into this place. I actually have room to entertain and I fully intend to take advantage of that. I intend to have this be a place where I can enjoy spending time, where I actually LIVE rather than just a place where I sleep, eat and bathe. I look forward to spending evenings here with friends and family members. I look forward to the future that I have in this home regardless of how long or short my time here is. I intend to enjoy every day I spend here. And if you want to be part of this, just let me know - there is still beer in the fridge at the moment.
Today, I got the last of my stuff out of that place and into the new place. All that's left to do is to finish the oven (the oven cleaner had to sit overnight) and mop the floors. Then I can turn in my keys and be done with that chapter of my life once and for all. There is still a ton of work to do at my new apartment, but I am feeling encouraged that it will get done fairly quickly and then I will have the opportunity to celebrate this new beginning and bring joy into this place. I actually have room to entertain and I fully intend to take advantage of that. I intend to have this be a place where I can enjoy spending time, where I actually LIVE rather than just a place where I sleep, eat and bathe. I look forward to spending evenings here with friends and family members. I look forward to the future that I have in this home regardless of how long or short my time here is. I intend to enjoy every day I spend here. And if you want to be part of this, just let me know - there is still beer in the fridge at the moment.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Must Be Doing Something Right
The way I see it, I really must be doing something right, because so many things are going wrong. It's been an interesting moving experience so far. Saturday was moving day and the people who showed up to help me were the three most important men in my life (and also my brother's girlfriend). Nobody else, just them. So Thursday night, I got practically zero sleep, which meant that I was completely unproductive on Friday and did not really get much done in the way of packing. All of the books and other items that had been packed earlier were already moved on Friday, but Saturday was a fiasco. Without my mom's skill at organizing and directing, very little of what needed to get done actually wound up getting done. I am overwhelmed and feeling like everything is not going to get done. I keep saying that I wish that I could just burn everything in my old apartment so that I don't have to deal with it. Obviously I don't really mean it, but I feel lost and I don't know what to do with all of the random piles of stuff that I managed to accumulate and that I never dealt with.
The funny thing is, that this is a great analogy for our relationships with God. As we look to move forward- to be changed, to have a new beginning- we expect things to be easy. We expect the change to happen right away - we expect to make the decision to make a new start and to have the junk from our pasts to completely disappear. But that's not how it works. Just because we choose a new life, a new beginning, does not mean that the problems of the past are gone. We still have to deal with all of the garbage that we've let build up, the difference is that with God we are better equipped to deal with it.
The message from church on Sunday keeps running through my head - there is one particular thing that stood out to me, and it was the point that we are completely willing to trust God with our live and our salvation, which is a huge thing, and yet we aren't willing to trust Him with the little things in our lives, the mundane things that make up our day to day. I'm trying to remind myself to trust Him with the little things rather than freaking out over how little time I have left to get finished cleaning out my old apartment. I'm having a really hard time with that, especially after today. I was going to skip Weight Watchers so that my dad and I would have more time to get things done (since my dad is the one person that I can ALWAYS depend on) and when I went to leave work, my car would not start. The battery was dead. Worse, the battery is located in a funky place, so the tire had to come off so that it could be replaced. So instead of working on getting the junk at my old apartment cleaned up, my dad and I ended up at Pep Boys getting my battery fixed. So now I have even less time to get things done. And I'm still as inept at this as I always was. On the positive, only 23 more days left until vacation
The funny thing is, that this is a great analogy for our relationships with God. As we look to move forward- to be changed, to have a new beginning- we expect things to be easy. We expect the change to happen right away - we expect to make the decision to make a new start and to have the junk from our pasts to completely disappear. But that's not how it works. Just because we choose a new life, a new beginning, does not mean that the problems of the past are gone. We still have to deal with all of the garbage that we've let build up, the difference is that with God we are better equipped to deal with it.
The message from church on Sunday keeps running through my head - there is one particular thing that stood out to me, and it was the point that we are completely willing to trust God with our live and our salvation, which is a huge thing, and yet we aren't willing to trust Him with the little things in our lives, the mundane things that make up our day to day. I'm trying to remind myself to trust Him with the little things rather than freaking out over how little time I have left to get finished cleaning out my old apartment. I'm having a really hard time with that, especially after today. I was going to skip Weight Watchers so that my dad and I would have more time to get things done (since my dad is the one person that I can ALWAYS depend on) and when I went to leave work, my car would not start. The battery was dead. Worse, the battery is located in a funky place, so the tire had to come off so that it could be replaced. So instead of working on getting the junk at my old apartment cleaned up, my dad and I ended up at Pep Boys getting my battery fixed. So now I have even less time to get things done. And I'm still as inept at this as I always was. On the positive, only 23 more days left until vacation
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wish You Were Here
Things have been kind of an emotional roller coaster. I've been worrying about some people who are close to me because of things that they are going through, while at the same time, things seem to be on the up-swing in my own life. I am moving in a little over a week to a bigger and nicer apartment. Good things are happening in other areas of life as well. I am excited, and yet extremely emotional. I've never moved without my mom's help, and I feel disoriented about the whole experience. I know that I'm an adult and shouldn't need my mom's help to move, but to be honest, my whole life is changing in every aspect all at the same time and it seems wrong that I cannot share these changes with her. I won't have her expertise in packing glass items to make sure that nothing gets broken in the move. She won't be there with boat loads of food trying to feed anyone and everyone who shows up to help. She won't be there giving directions and shouting at the men to be careful not to break something. At the same time, I want so badly to tell her about the exciting things that are happening in my dating life. Things are going well, and I'm really happy. I don't know where things are going for sure, but what I do know, is that for once I have hope.
When she passed away, for almost a year, I struggled to let go of the feeling that I had let her down because she didn't get to see me get married, that I wasn't able to make her a grandmother which is something that she wanted more than anything else. I felt like I was a disappointment because I couldn't even give her a glimmer of hope that these things might actually happen some day. I made myself sick because I had convinced myself that because I refused to settle, because I was not willing to pretend to be someone that I'm not, that it was my fault that I was still alone and that despite all of my accomplishments, I was still a disappointment to my mother because I had failed to make her a grandmother. I know it is not true. I know that these were lies from the enemy trying to get me to pull away from people and isolate myself. But I still desperately want to be able to share my current happiness with her. I want her to be able to meet the first person who has made me feel like I'm important while also making me feel like I'm not settling. So it's bitter sweet. So I'm getting emotional a lot despite the fact that I actually am happy.
Today it was a little thing that pushed me over the edge. At work, we were talking about getting Easter baskets and I said that I didn't get an Easter basket - but that I used to get one every year. In later years the Easter basket came with a package of Ferrer Rocher chocolates and a Starbucks gift card, plus some Easter kitty treats for my cat. Now, not only do I have to buy my own chocolates, but my cat no longer gets spoiled either. We're both missing out without my mom around. So when we were talking about Easter baskets, I got emotional and cried at work for the second time today (please note, I do note advocate crying at work -but sometimes it just happens) - not because I really miss getting an Easter basket, but because I miss having someone think about me the way my mom thought about me - and everyone else.
I know it's been almost two years, but as everything is changing I find myself terrified at facing this new world that my life is becoming without her guidance and advice. And sometimes I just need her to hold me while I cry.
When she passed away, for almost a year, I struggled to let go of the feeling that I had let her down because she didn't get to see me get married, that I wasn't able to make her a grandmother which is something that she wanted more than anything else. I felt like I was a disappointment because I couldn't even give her a glimmer of hope that these things might actually happen some day. I made myself sick because I had convinced myself that because I refused to settle, because I was not willing to pretend to be someone that I'm not, that it was my fault that I was still alone and that despite all of my accomplishments, I was still a disappointment to my mother because I had failed to make her a grandmother. I know it is not true. I know that these were lies from the enemy trying to get me to pull away from people and isolate myself. But I still desperately want to be able to share my current happiness with her. I want her to be able to meet the first person who has made me feel like I'm important while also making me feel like I'm not settling. So it's bitter sweet. So I'm getting emotional a lot despite the fact that I actually am happy.
Today it was a little thing that pushed me over the edge. At work, we were talking about getting Easter baskets and I said that I didn't get an Easter basket - but that I used to get one every year. In later years the Easter basket came with a package of Ferrer Rocher chocolates and a Starbucks gift card, plus some Easter kitty treats for my cat. Now, not only do I have to buy my own chocolates, but my cat no longer gets spoiled either. We're both missing out without my mom around. So when we were talking about Easter baskets, I got emotional and cried at work for the second time today (please note, I do note advocate crying at work -but sometimes it just happens) - not because I really miss getting an Easter basket, but because I miss having someone think about me the way my mom thought about me - and everyone else.
I know it's been almost two years, but as everything is changing I find myself terrified at facing this new world that my life is becoming without her guidance and advice. And sometimes I just need her to hold me while I cry.
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