A little bit rough, but...

Someday

Sitting here in the darkness
Surrounded by the rubble
Of what used to be my life
A shattered friendship to my left
And my dreams lie crumpled
And tossed aside to my right.
I used to know what I wanted
But somehow that changed
And I don’t seem to even
Know myself anymore.
I used to have passion
But it’s been lost along the way
I used to believe in love
But now I’m not so sure
Can’t anyone help me
Find the person I used to be--
The one who had hope
That good things really do happen
The girl who believed
Her dreams would come true
Someday

jlh

Last Week's News: Jeni=Jerk Cubed

Praise Jesus for taking care of me even when I'm being a jerk cubed!

Last week was kind of a rough week. It started with me having a migraine and sleeping through church last Sunday. Obviously not the best way to start a week. I went to work and it was fair. The rest of the week was chaos. I did not deal well with the many rude customers I encountered throughout the week. In fact, when I hung up the phone with one particularly annoying customer, I slammed it down several times, went into the back office and called the customer a nasty name using a word that I almost never use. My coworkers went into a state of shock upon hearing the word, which cannot be repeated here, come out of my mouth. (Okay, I'll be honest, I use it when I'm driving WAY more frequently than I should, but only when I'm alone.) Anyway, I'm not sure if there were more extremely rude/annoying customers than usual, or if it was just because my attitude was all wrong. To make the week even longer, I was also cat-sitting for my bro and his fiance while they were on vacation. This task required me to feed the cats in the morning and at night which means that I had to either go to their apartment on my way home from work, then go home, or just stay the night there since my cat is not NEARLY as high maintenance.
There are many other bitterness issues surrounding this situation:
1) They did not tell me until the day that they left that they were expecting me to feed the cats twice a day.
2) They were going on vacation and expecting me to take care of their stuff all the while both of my upcoming vacations ALSO involve taking care of their stuff (bridal shower, wedding, and cat-sitting during the honeymoon.) So, yeah, I'm a jerk and was being resentful of the fact that I don't really get a vacation. (Jeni+envy+resentment=jerk cubed)
3) My bro's fiance, who just graduated in May, just got a new job after only her second application--first interview. She will be making 30K+. I being the jerk cubed that I am find it necessary to compare the fact that I applied for HUNDREDS of jobs after I graduated and only got ONE interview and obviously, given the fact that I still work at the Evil K, did not get the job.
4) I have more ready for the bridal shower than they have ready for the WHOLE WEDDING. They are putting everything off until the last minute--I know it's not my problem but it's driving me crazy. Also, the fact that they haven't even mailed all of their invites yet (the wedding is Oct. 10) affects my ability to throw the shower that I want to because since they haven't gathered all of the addresses, they haven't given me all of the addresses for shower guests. I feel like I've been set up to fail...
Other contributing factors to my horrible, nasty, no good week in which I was the Attitude Princess of Nevada:
1) The migraine of doom which lasted through Tuesday.
2) The fact that I decided (stupidly) that I should spend the whole weekend working on shower stuff and take no time for myself.
3) The co-worker with whom I get along best was on vacation.

So, of course, based on my behavior, attitude, etc, throughout the week, I expected to have a crappy weekend in which I was depressed and mopey the whole time. Particularly since I had agreed to work on Friday, which is one of my two days off. But despite my bitterness, nastiness, resentfulness, just plain jerk-offery (yes I AM making up words, thank you very much) God came through. My one day weekend felt like a full weekend. Friday night, I had a couple of drinks and a really nice dinner with a couple of coworkers/friends. Saturday, I got a LOT done for the shower, spent time with my parents and spent the rest of the night waiting for my friends to call me back so that we could hang out. But they never did. I was disappointed at first, but then I realized that I really NEEDED that time for myself because I hadn't taken any in over a week. But God knew what I needed and made sure that I got it.
I went back to work today refreshed and encouraged. Worship this morning was so uplifting after the week I'd had and the message rang all too true for me. I was totally convicted of complaining too much. I was bitter about being asked to work on Friday, but afterward I felt blessed because I knew that God has a purpose for it, on top of which, my eight hours of overtime this pay period are truly a gift because God knows that I need it right now. I really do sometimes behave in a way that says "God, what you've given me is JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH." And really, He always gives me just what I NEED--I just can't see it because it's not always what I WANT.
So, the moral of the story is, once again, despite my desire to wallow in the mud of my life, God came and pulled me out and cleaned me up, even knowing that He'll probably have to do it again before long.

This is just a start... I need to finish.

I read something tonight that inspired me to write a song. It kind of has a double meaning.

P.S. It's not finished. In fact it's not even revised yet. It's just kind of a whim...

I Still Love You

When the hurt of this world
Is too much to bear
When it seems like there’s
No one out there who cares

When your life is heading somewhere
Different than it should be
When you think you’re alone,
Just remember there’s still me

Chorus:
I still love you
In the darkness of the night
I still love you
When you’re trembling with fright
I still love you
When your world has turned to gray
I still love you
No matter what you say

Just a little whining--Don't say I didn't warn you...

I arrived home this morning (I've been staying the night at my bro's apartment on alternating nights because I'm cat-sitting) to discover a note on the chalkboard indicating that the mice in our house have returned... Actually it pronounces "we have mice" as though it were a new thing, despite the fact that my food cabinet was obliterated by the mice back in February or March... However, apparently now they are taking it seriously and laying down a proclamation that the kitchen needs to stay clean because we have mice. I have a better idea: How about if the kitchen stays clean because it's gross to have week old hotdogs festering on the stove? I doubt that even the mice would go for that food...
Each week that passes and I am still living in that house, I find myself with a greater desire/need to move. I may not be the neatest person in the world, but when it comes to the kitchen, I am super-anal, and I cannot deal with piles of dishes building up for a week at a time in the sink. I almost never eat food at home that involves dishes. I eat cereal for breakfast--dry from a ziploc baggie. For lunch, I sometimes eat microwavable foods, if not, then I make myself a sandwich or something from the stash that I keep at work, which also serves as dinner. I need a clean kitchen in order to eat in a healthy manner. Oh yeah, and a little bit of room in the refrigerator for healthy foods would also help...
Anyway, the point is: I NEED TO MOVE
Here are the reasons:
1. The kitchen situation as detailed above.
2. One of my roommates likes to lock my cat in my (upstairs) extremely hot bedroom so that she can leave the hall door open. Since I got mad at her about doing that, she started locking him in the fairly cool back bedroom, leaving him there with no access to his food/water/litter.
3. My cat does not get along with the other cat in the house (Spooky is kind of a pissy cat) and since some roommates have issues with closing doors, this is sometimes a problem...
4. I would like to live within walking distance of work before the snowy/icy season starts again. (I wonder what it would be like to drive only once or twice a week)
5. My friend who owns the house will be moving back at some point within the next year, at which point I would have to move out anyway...

Here's what I need to do so I can move:
1. Pay off my three remaining credit cards.
2. Pray A LOT
3. Save enough money for first/last month, deposit (and pet deposit), utility deposits, and general moving expenses.
4. Pray some more.
5. Get rid of a lot of my junk.
6. Pray until it happens.

So I suppose, if you've read this post, the point is please pray for me in my living situation, both present and future! : )

I never really listened before...

Easy Silence - Dixie Chicks

When the calls and conversations * Accidents and accusations * Messages and misperceptions *
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving * Burning fumes of gasoline * And everyone is running * And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades * Are warning us to back away * They form commissions trying to find * The next one they can crucify

And anger plays on every station * Answers only make more questions * I need something to believe in * Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon * Watching war made us immune * And I've got all the world to lose * But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay

Okay, so I know that most of ya'll aren't country fans, but this song kind of hit me as something that I needed today. I've had the CD for months, but I usually skip over this particular song, because I hadn't really listened to it. Needless to say, I won't be skipping over it anymore.
Anyway, it really was a rather trying week at work. Last week, we had two people quit, which brought us down to 12 people to run the whole store. To put this into perspective, the downtown center does about 40K more than us per month, on average, they bring in LESS controllable PROFIT, and they have 22 people to run their store. On an average day by 10am they have more people working at the same time than we have on our ENTIRE payroll. Anyhow, the fact that we are now down FIVE people caused us to have to move our graveyard people to days so that we have enough people to actually function. While this means that all of the jobs that normally got done at night, now have to be done during the day. Amazingly enough, we have been able to get it all done, even though we're starting to pick up business again. (Summer is the slow season.) On top of all of this, we had an audit today, which did not go as well as we would have liked, AND I continue to have major attitude problems coming from a couple of team members on my shift. On Monday, we are planning on writing one of them up, which I suspect will make next week even LESS pleasant than this week. UGH.
Anyway, with all of that on my mind, I get in the car to come home today, on my Friday, and I put on the CD. And I just let it go from the beginning. This song is the second song, and once it got to the chorus, I started to think about the "easy silence" that Jesus has for me. Even after the crappiest week at work, I still have His easy silence to turn to, to fall into, to soak up. I always have a whole weekend to relax and escape all the "calls and conversations," "accidents and accusations," and "messages and misperceptions." I was also reminded of the way Jesus "keeps the world at bay" for me. Even though I may feel close to breaking down sometimes, I always know that he is not giving me more than I can handle--that he is there to shield me from all that I cannot handle.
Thank you, Jesus for your easy silence.

For the Crazy Runner Types...

No, seriously--this post really only applies to the crazy runner types. I was just wondering if anybody here would be interested in participating in an 8.5 mile run at Apple Hill on November 5. The website for said run is here: Apple Hill Harvest Run . I'm thinking this would be a good distance for me to shoot for by November. For all the rest of ya'll, this would be like a walk in the park! ;)
Have a great week, whether you're running or not!

"Three Deadly Ds of Destruction"

I am currently going through a book called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. The second chapter discusses the "Three Deadly Ds of Destruction." These Ds are:
*Distraction
*Discouragement
*Doubt
Basically, this section of the chapter discusses how distraction--being focused on your life situations rather than God--leads to discouragement which leads to doubt. The author includes a good quote of her own attitude during a period of time, that pretty accurately reflects this doubt:
"How can I know you're real if you won't answer one little prayer? I'm desperate, but you're silent. I'm angry, but you don't seem to care."
Some situations in particular where I find myself struggling with this attitude:
*My finances-I often hear that this is the one area that God wants us to test Him in. I've been testing Him for a year and frequently resent that it leaves me less money that could be going towards the debts that I foolishly acquired in college. Most of the time I feel buried under these debts and feel like God is punishing me for my stupidity earlier. I want Him to give me a quick fix because of my obedience rather than being patient.
*My future career-I took a step of obedience at the end of college when I changed my major from education to English the semester before I graduated. God had been working that change in me for two years before I actually took the step. I was afraid. The degree in education would have been a clear path--it's obvious where one's life goes after that--a degree in education obviously leads into a career in teaching. The degree in English left my future wide open for God to do as He wished in my life. I didn't want to make the change because at least as a teacher I would have seemed important. It was a major pride issue. But God promised He had plans for me. I'm still waiting for those plans, and sometimes it makes me angry with God.
*My love life (or lack thereof)-As mentioned many times on this blog, I thought I knew what God had for me. I'm still not sure it's not true. But I want to know for sure. I'm tired of waiting day after day to see if this will be the day that God answers my prayers about my future family. What I had always planned for my life was shot long ago. I always thought I'd be married by 25, have my first kid at 28. I'm two years past the marriage plan and therefore unlikely to meet the childbirth goal. Every week at church, I watch the happy families and wish that I could be part of something like that--to have a family of my own. On Saturday at Hope and Healing, L talked about how she needed to stop wanting what everyone else had before she could get what her heart desired. This is kind of where I'm at right now.
I know this all sounds terribly negative, but it's really not--because the positive side of this is coming now. Chapter two of this book goes on to discuss how we want to plan our own lives when we don't get what we want:
"We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce one, we set out to write our own.
'I need to know,' we tell ourselves."
This is what I have done in the past, and in some ways continue to do. But God has other things in mind.
"'No,' God says, 'you need to trust.'"
This is where the positive comes in. Though I have areas where I sometimes find myself doubting God, I am aware that some great things have come from TRUSTING God in these areas.
*Finances-Though it seems like a never-ending battle, it's not as bad as it seems. Yes, I still have a lot of debt, but in the last year and a half, I have paid off four credit cards as well as another outstanding debt. Being obedient to God has helped me to be obedient in making these payments also and in spending less on myself so that I can pay things off.
*Career-Though working at Kinko's does not SOUND terribly important, it has been fulfilling none-the-less. I am now making as much, if not more than I would be making as a teacher, and I guarantee that I'm happier than I would have been teaching middle school students. I really prefer small children and have no idea why I chose secondary education to begin with. I have made SO many friends at Kinko's that I wouldn't know if I'd had my way--three roommates as well as four women with whom I regularly hang out with on the weekends--and I have MANY opportunities to share my beliefs and life experiences with them. I have been blessed with the opportunity to give them a new view of Christians.
*Non-existant love life-Though I am still waiting for what God has for me, I do know what love feels like, and I would not give that up even if it meant leaving behind the pain that remains. Also, God has used this period of waiting and struggling and desiring to strengthen me. At 19 I tried to kill myself because the boyfriend I didn't even like broke up with me. Now, I have experienced real love, unreturned. I have waited for years for any response--negative or positive--from God, any response from him, and none has come. Yet I still want to live. I still can find happiness despite having my heart broken time and time again by this situation. I know that my journey in this area is not complete, but I know that God has made me new. God has given me strength to survive what I could never have lived through alone.
Really, this chapter reminded me, that despite my occasional doubts, God is still working in my life. It helped me to recognize the areas where I frequently have to battle negativity, but also to recognize where God has been working in these areas, even though sometimes it may not seem that way. How has God blessed you in areas that you sometimes think He's neglecting?