This weekend I don't have much to say here, but I have posted in my other blog:

http://my-mothers-recipebox.blogspot.com/2012/07/saturday-morning-send-offs.html

Hope that you enjoy it!

Finding Balance, Feeling Hope

There has been so much going on lately and while most of it is good, it can still sometimes be overwhelming.  If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I'm not the person I used to be.  This, for the most part, is a really good thing.  Not to say that who I was before was bad, just that I've grown and learned to have hope for the future even when it isn't easy.  I have been very focused on being positive and upbeat - which is good, because nobody is inspired by a Debbie downer or a Negative Nelly.  When I look back at my old posts and I wonder to myself how I kept any friends.  All I ever did was complain!  Looking back on it, I feel like I was really selfish.  I wanted everyone to come to me.  To feel sorry for me.  To make me feel better.  All the while, what was I doing for anyone else?  I wasn't making much effort to be in real relationships with other people.  I kept to myself, didn't really talk to anyone unless they talked to me first.  It probably made me seem like a snob.  Like I thought I was too important to talk to them.  Or that I flat out didn't want to talk to anyone.  Like I was closed for business - not open to hear about what others had going on in their lives.
So here I am now, and over the last two years I have experienced the most devastating sorrow and the most invigorating joy.  Right now, I am finding some of the things I have wanted most in my life and I am so excited to see what the future has.  I am in a relationship with a Godly man who makes me believe that all of the time that I spent alone because I wasn't willing to settle was totally worth it.  I have found my strength and competitive drive again through CrossFit, which shows me a new way every day that I am stronger than I was yesterday.  I am in an apartment that is filled with light, both physically and spiritually.  I feel comfortable here - I am not afraid to be alone in this place, nor am I ashamed to have people join me here.  I still have a lot of work to do here, but at the moment it feels like home.  I have a job where I am needed and where I am missed when I go away - and it's not just the things that I do that are missed, but me as a person - and that feels amazing.
It is great that so many good things are happening, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a bad day.  That I don't still struggle with negativity sometimes.  I think in my desire to be more positive and thankful, I have sometimes been going to the other extreme and trying to keep things to myself that I really should be talking about because I don't want to be that person again - the person who only complained and had very little positive to offer.  I don't want to become a burden on another person by always talking about the struggles - and so I try to keep it to myself until I can put a more positive spin on it, but the problem is, I am horrible at poker.  Wait?  I know you're wondering what poker has to do with anything, but I swear, it's relevant.  I am horrible at poker because I cannot hide anything.  If I am happy, everyone can see it written on my face.  And if I'm struggling, well, you're going to see that, too.  So while I'm trying to put a more positive light on the less than happy feelings before speaking them, I end up coming across like I'm trying to hide something - when really I'm trying to be mindful of what I'm going to say.  So now, I will begin working on finding the happy spot that will allow me to remain the more positive and upbeat version of myself that I have become while still expressing those dark things and struggles that need to be expressed when they need to be expressed.  Not everything has to be sunshine and roses.
So today, I am very happy to have new adventures to look forward to, but I am also going to acknowledge that it's a bit of a rough emotional time for me.  It's only the second year since my mom passed away.  Last year was all about just getting by.  Just making it through another day - making it past the year mark, because maybe then things would be just a little bit easier.  And I wouldn't necessarily say that it's easier the second year, but it's different.  It's not so much a searing pain that will not allow you to feel anything else.  This year it's more like a dull ache.  You know that it's there, you can feel it all the time, but it's not all you feel.  It's not at the forefront of your attention screaming to be dealt with.  It is just hanging out in the background as you live life the best way you know how.  There are other little things that are not perfect right now, but in the grand scope of things, they really don't matter all of that much - and I know that they just sometimes feel bigger than they are because of the dull ache that's hanging in the background.
So I will press on, keeping my heart open to whatever new adventures God has for me and trying to become the person he has created me to be.  I know that he wants to make me the best version of myself - he gave me this heart and this sensitivity for a a reason, and I don't need to hide it away.  Now I just have to let Him mold me into the version of myself that he envisioned.   He made me beautiful, all of us beautiful, and sometimes even the things that we dislike about ourselves are some of the most beautiful things.

Looking Back to Move Forward

Today, my dear friend Noel hosted a blog link-up event- which is a bit technical for me (I'm kind of an internet idiot compared to many of my blogging friends) - that gave me the opportunity to look back at some of my old posts.  In reading through some of my old posts, I can clearly see how much has changed since 7 years ago when I started my blog.  I used to be so focused on the past.  I clung to it, like a toddler to a blankie, finding comfort in playing the victim.  That's not to say that I was never a victim, because there have been times that I have experienced some less than pleasant things.  But when I first started blogging, those less than pleasant things were my identity.  They were all I talked about.  I could not imagine the future because I was so focused on past hurts and heart aches.  I pretended that they didn't matter, and yet I dredged them up over and over again because I didn't know who I was without them.
Today, I know that I a much different person.  A lot has changed in the seven years I have been blogging.  I have loved and lost and learned to love again.  I have said some difficult goodbyes.  I have learned the value of caring for myself so that I can better care for others.  I have gained weight and lost weight.  I have found new hobbies and passions, but my passion for writing remains.  I have taken chances and even when things have turned out differently than I would have liked, I have learned from the experience.  So much has changed, but more than anything else, my identity has changed.  I no longer see myself as a victim.  I have found confidence in my faith - the faith that has carried me through all of the difficult things that I have blogged about over the past seven years.   I am a fighter, and I fight with confidence because God has promised victory.  Even if that victory does not look the way I expect it to, I will be victorious in Him.  I am far from perfect, and I still slip up and let the victim mentality take over every once in a while, but reading my old posts, I can also see how far I've come. 
Some people would say that the past is the past and we shouldn't dwell on it, and I absolutely agree with the second part.  We definitely should avoid dwelling on the past - however remembering and reflecting on the past can be a beautiful thing, because looking back to see how far we've come may be just the motivation we need to continue moving forward.  I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but when I look back and see where I started and how far I've come, I have the confidence I need to finish the race.

Coming Home Again

So, there is something to be said for coming home again.  I just got home on Sunday from a 10 day vacation and the first night home, everything felt surreal.  Even thought I've lived in Reno my whole life, it felt unfamiliar.  I mean, obviously I still knew where I was going and everything, but it somehow looked completely different.  It looked darker and brighter at the same time.  I can't really explain it.  So I found myself wondering why things felt so different.  Normally when I come home from a vacation, I am comforted by the familiarity of home - but this time I was kind of confused by the unfamiliarity of everything because I wasn't sure where it was coming from. 
I thought about it and realized that the life that I'm living now, the one that I have come home to, has not really become familiar yet.  I moved into my apartment less than a month before I left for vacation.  I have only had someone to miss when I go away for a few months.  After years and years of a life that was more lonely and empty, this current life still feels unfamiliar.  Not in a bad way, just in a way that means that there are still surprises, still new discoveries to be made, new feelings to be felt.  It's actually exciting.  Exhilarating.  I am enjoying the freshness of every new day for the first time in a very long time and it's taken the experience of coming home again to make me realize that.

Motherless Day

As Mother's Day approaches, the television and radio stations are filled with advertisements for potential Mother's Day gifts.  I hear the beginnings of the commercials, then I have to change the station.  I don't want to think about what all of these people all over the country will be doing to honor their mothers while I am sitting at home wishing that I still had that privilege.  I am struggling, particularly because Mother's Day falls on the 13th this year.  I miss my mom because she was my best friend  - she was the one that I turned to for advice and also shared all of my happy times with. 
I know that my dad is having a difficult time right now, too.  It's hard because for the past two years I've had all the time in the world to spend with him, and now I don't.  It's hard to balance moving forward in my life while also honoring my dad and taking care of him as much as I can.  I know that he's a grown man and capable of taking care of himself, and yet in some ways he's not because until two years ago, he never really had to.  So missing my mom has so many levels.  I know that she would want me to be living my life.  She would be so happy for the good things that are happening for me right now.  She would want me to be enjoying every minute of this.  And I want to be able to do that.  But I also need to make sure my dad is taking care of himself, that he is not isolating himself - because I love and care about him - and also because nobody else is going to step up and do it.  I only pray that I can be the daughter that my mom raised me to be even though she's not here anymore.  And I pray that I can find a balance to living my own life while still taking care of my dad.

Sweet Relief

Today was a busy, but a rather productive day...  In the morning, we participated in Community Service Day at the Food Bank for work.  I was still feeling a little bit stressed out because there was a decent amount of cleaning left to do at the old apartment.  It wasn't too bad, because I knew everything would get done, but I still dreaded going back to there.  My old apartment was kind of a place of hopelessness and discouragement because so many things went wrong in my life while I lived there.  I didn't really realize it until I'd spent a couple of nights in my new apartment, but the old apartment was filled with negative energy.  It was dark and dreary.  Once I went back there after spending time in my new apartment, I felt a definite difference.  Walking into that old apartment made me feel sad all over again.  It sucked the life right out of me.  I had been surviving there for a couple of years, but the reality is, I wasn't really LIVING there.  Basically, it was a storage unit with a bedroom.  I kept my stuff there and I slept there, and that was about it.  Anything of any significance, anything pleasant or enjoyable that I've done for the past two years was done outside of that apartment.  I can honestly say that I did not enjoy much of the time that I spent there.  It wasn't all miserable, but it was definitely not pleasant. 
Today, I got the last of my stuff out of that place and into the new place.  All that's left to do is to finish the oven (the oven cleaner had to sit overnight) and mop the floors.  Then I can turn in my keys and be done with that chapter of my life once and for all.  There is still a ton of work to do at my new apartment, but I am feeling encouraged that it will get done fairly quickly and then I will have the opportunity to celebrate this new beginning and bring joy into this place.  I actually have room to entertain and I fully intend to take advantage of that.  I intend to have this be a place where I can enjoy spending time, where I actually LIVE rather than just a place where I sleep, eat and bathe.  I look forward to spending evenings here with friends and family members.  I look forward to the future that I have in this home regardless of how long or short my time here is.  I intend to enjoy every day I spend here.  And if you want to be part of this, just let me know - there is still beer in the fridge at the moment. 

Must Be Doing Something Right

The way I see it, I really must be doing something right, because so many things are going wrong.  It's been an interesting moving experience so far.  Saturday was moving day and the people who showed up to help me were the three most important men in my life (and also my brother's girlfriend).  Nobody else, just them.  So Thursday night, I got practically zero sleep, which meant that I was completely unproductive on Friday and did not really get much done in the way of packing.  All of the books and other items that had been packed earlier were already moved on Friday, but Saturday was a fiasco.  Without my mom's skill at organizing and directing, very little of what needed to get done actually wound up getting done.  I am overwhelmed and feeling like everything is not going to get done.  I keep saying that I wish that I could just burn everything in my old apartment so that I don't have to deal with it.  Obviously I don't really mean it, but I feel lost and I don't know what to do with all of the random piles of stuff that I managed to accumulate and that I never dealt with. 
 The funny thing is, that this is a great analogy for our relationships with God.  As we look to move forward- to be changed, to have a new beginning- we expect things to be easy.  We expect the change to happen right away - we expect to make the decision to make a new start and to have the junk from our pasts to completely disappear.  But that's not how it works.  Just because we choose a new life, a new beginning, does not mean that the problems of the past are gone.  We still have to deal with all of the garbage that we've let build up, the difference is that with God we are better equipped to deal with it.
The message from church on Sunday keeps running through my head - there is one particular thing that stood out to me, and it was the point that we are completely willing to trust God with our live and our salvation, which is a huge thing, and yet we aren't willing to trust Him with the little things in our lives, the mundane things that make up our day to day.  I'm trying to remind myself to trust Him with the little things rather than freaking out over how little time I have left to get finished cleaning out my old apartment.  I'm having a really hard time with that, especially after today.  I was going to skip Weight Watchers so that my dad and I would have more time to get things done (since my dad is the one person that I can ALWAYS depend on) and when I went to leave work, my car would not start.  The battery was dead.  Worse, the battery is located in a funky place, so the tire had to come off so that it could be replaced.  So instead of working on getting the junk at my old apartment cleaned up, my dad and I ended up at Pep Boys getting my battery fixed.  So now I have even less time to get things done.  And I'm still as inept at this as I always was.  On the positive, only 23 more days left until vacation

Wish You Were Here

Things have been kind of an emotional roller coaster. I've been worrying about some people who are close to me because of things that they are going through, while at the same time, things seem to be on the up-swing in my own life. I am moving in a little over a week to a bigger and nicer apartment. Good things are happening in other areas of life as well. I am excited, and yet extremely emotional. I've never moved without my mom's help, and I feel disoriented about the whole experience. I know that I'm an adult and shouldn't need my mom's help to move, but to be honest, my whole life is changing in every aspect all at the same time and it seems wrong that I cannot share these changes with her. I won't have her expertise in packing glass items to make sure that nothing gets broken in the move. She won't be there with boat loads of food trying to feed anyone and everyone who shows up to help. She won't be there giving directions and shouting at the men to be careful not to break something. At the same time, I want so badly to tell her about the exciting things that are happening in my dating life. Things are going well, and I'm really happy. I don't know where things are going for sure, but what I do know, is that for once I have hope.
When she passed away, for almost a year, I struggled to let go of the feeling that I had let her down because she didn't get to see me get married, that I wasn't able to make her a grandmother which is something that she wanted more than anything else. I felt like I was a disappointment because I couldn't even give her a glimmer of hope that these things might actually happen some day. I made myself sick because I had convinced myself that because I refused to settle, because I was not willing to pretend to be someone that I'm not, that it was my fault that I was still alone and that despite all of my accomplishments, I was still a disappointment to my mother because I had failed to make her a grandmother. I know it is not true. I know that these were lies from the enemy trying to get me to pull away from people and isolate myself. But I still desperately want to be able to share my current happiness with her. I want her to be able to meet the first person who has made me feel like I'm important while also making me feel like I'm not settling. So it's bitter sweet. So I'm getting emotional a lot despite the fact that I actually am happy.
Today it was a little thing that pushed me over the edge. At work, we were talking about getting Easter baskets and I said that I didn't get an Easter basket - but that I used to get one every year. In later years the Easter basket came with a package of Ferrer Rocher chocolates and a Starbucks gift card, plus some Easter kitty treats for my cat. Now, not only do I have to buy my own chocolates, but my cat no longer gets spoiled either. We're both missing out without my mom around. So when we were talking about Easter baskets, I got emotional and cried at work for the second time today (please note, I do note advocate crying at work -but sometimes it just happens) - not because I really miss getting an Easter basket, but because I miss having someone think about me the way my mom thought about me - and everyone else.
I know it's been almost two years, but as everything is changing I find myself terrified at facing this new world that my life is becoming without her guidance and advice. And sometimes I just need her to hold me while I cry.

Finding Fitness and Learning to Rest - A Journey

I have been working very hard over the last few years to get healthy, and it's just within the last year that things have really fallen into place. If you haven't really kept up with me during this time here's what I've been up to. You may or may not know that in 2010 I did a 60 day challenge of Bikram Yoga. 60 classes in 60 days. That was the first time I really put myself first in anything. I used to try to work out, but it would always be whenever I found time, which wasn't very often. It helped me to lose my first 27 pounds, but then I got stuck and wouldn't budge, so I decided it was time to try making a commitment to myself and actually keeping it. While I would never flake on a commitment to someone else, I had no problem flaking on my commitments to myself. So I made this decision, this commitment to do this 60 day challenge of yoga, and finishing it really did change my mindset - it showed me that I could honor a commitment to myself, that I was worth it.
Despite the sweat that I shed during that challenge, I didn't lose a single pound. I was still stuck. And things only got worse. The day after I finished my challenge was the day that my mom went into the hospital and passed away a month later. After that, I gained about 5 pounds in two weeks. But my dad had decided that he wanted to get healthy also, so we joined a gym and got a trainer. Over the first couple of months we did that, my dad last about 20 pounds, but I was STILL stuck. I started working toward running my first 10K, and I ran the Turkey Trot that year. And I was STILL stuck. Then the holidays came, which really didn't help matters. My dad and I were still going to the gym six days a week and guess what? I was STILL stuck.
And then the new year came, and right after that, our trip to Hawaii to scatter some of my mom's ashes. After the trip, I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, and I stopped working quite as hard because it wasn't making a bit of difference. I had been working hard for over a year - harder than I had been when I lost the first 27 pounds - and I didn't see the point of working that hard and getting nothing. And so I started slacking off. I still went to the gym with my dad three or four days a week, but I was just eating whatever was convenient which was not usually very healthy.
I gained back 10 pounds over the next couple of months and found myself back up over the number that I had never wanted to see again. I decided that I needed to do a boot camp of some sort. I would commit to that boot camp, and hopefully I would get back on track, and even more, hopefully I would get past the point where I'd been stuck before.
Enter CrossFit. I had been searching for boot camps, had pretty much decided on one and was just waiting until I had the money for it, and then one day there was a Groupon for a CrossFit "boot camp". I had no idea what CrossFit was at the time, but it had the words "boot camp" and with the Groupon, it seemed like it was going to be a good deal. So I bought it - the first step in renewing my commitment to getting healthy.
When I started, I was kind of middle of the pack in my boot camp class, which was really just a two week introduction to the movements that were common in CrossFit. I intended to do the four weeks covered by the Groupon and be done with it, but after a month, I had lost a little bit of weight and wanted to give it more time, so I made a one year commitment (gulp) and plunged in. After the 4 week period was over, most of the Groupon-ers who had started with me decided not to continue and I found myself surrounded by people who were far more fit than me. And I am extremely competitive. My first goal was to always finish, and my second was to try not to finish last. I always finished, but many times I finished last. It was humbling because I knew if I was in the shape I had once been in, this would not be the case. But I kept going and even when I was FAAARRR behind everyone else, I finished, and often I cried because I was ashamed of what I'd let myself become.
Around the same time I joined Weight Watchers because I got a discount through work and I have always functioned better when I'm being held accountable. And having to get weighed once a week definitely held me accountable. So with the combination of CrossFit and Weight Watchers, I was able to get past the point where I had been stuck before. The first week below that number, I shrugged it off, considered it a fluke, but after going down two more weeks I started to believe that I could actually be un-stuck. During the process I set small goals for myself. My first goal was to get to a size twelve pants by my birthday so that I could buy a pair of jeans from Express since that's where I used to buy my jeans when I started college. After that I bought size 10 goal jeans from the Goodwill Store. Then size 8 goal jeans. All the while, the ultimate goal was to fit in my high school senior prom dress again so that I can wear it on one of the formal nights on the cruise my dad and I are going on in May.
As of right now, I have lost 50 pounds since last May, 67 pounds over all, and my size 8 goal jeans all fit. I have a couple pairs of size six jeans that fit. And the dress, well, it still doesn't fit, but I haven't given up. I may not get there, but I won't be too upset because I haven't been in single digit sizes since high school, so regardless of whether I can wear that dress, I still feel fabulous.
My journey is not complete yet. I haven't reached my goal, yet, but I believe that I will. But I also need to learn that it's okay to rest. In fact it's actually important to rest. My mind still seems to believe that a day of rest will ruin everything. That if I take one day off, I will suddenly be back to my old self overnight. My mind still believes that I am big. I sometimes look at my jeans and think that they are way to small for me. When I got rid of my size 14 and 16 jeans, I had to try on every pair because when I looked at them, I thought that they should still fit. I need to remind myself that one day is not going to ruin everything. One day of resting, one day of splurging, whatever it may be. One day is okay as long as it doesn't turn into two, or three or thirty. So I'm continuing on my journey, enjoying every minute of getting fit, and trying to be patient with myself, trying to be kind to my body.

The Best Version of Me

It has been almost a year since my last blog post, and yet my blog is still here. I am so glad, because reading through it, I am reminded that for the most part my blog has been a place that I come to release all of the pain and hurt that I've felt. It has rarely been a place of joy and celebration, but I think it's time to change that.
I have recently started dating somebody, and for the first time in my life, there is somebody that I like who also likes me in return. It is a new and amazing experience and it takes my breath away every day to discover that someone truly does like me for me. I'm also discovering a lot about myself and my expectations.
As many of you know, (as if many are reading this - but that is beside the point) I spent six years thinking that I knew who I was going to marry. Letting that go nearly broke me, and yet at the same time it made me stronger for bigger battles that were yet to come. Looking back on those six years, I now realize that I spent a lot of time trying to change, trying to make myself into a person that he would like. I wanted to be a better person (in other words, someone other than me) so that he would look at me and choose me.
Fast forward to now. Now that I am actually dating someone, I find that I want to be better at all of the things that I already do. All of the things that I already love. All of the things that make me ME. I want to become the best me that I can be. Because I've found someone who like me as I am, I just want to be a better version of me, rather than wanting to be a better person (ie, someone other than me). When I realized this the other night, I realized how freeing it is to feel like I don't have to give up the things that are me, nor do I have to pretend to like things that are not me.
So here I am, returning to my formerly melancholy blog, to share a little bit of joy. If any of my friends are actually reading this, thank you so much for not smothering me with a pillow for being so darn depressing for all of those years. And thank you for many years of love and encouragement.

Until Next Time!