No pressure or anything...

One wedding down, two more to go before the end of the year. On Friday I attended the wedding of a friend that I used to work with. It took place just outside of Genoa at Wally's Hot Springs. The wedding itself was not really worth the drive, but of course the fact that I got to see my friend get married was worth it.
The next wedding will be in two weeks, and that one is here in town. This is the one that I've been pretty much immersed in, being that I just recently moved into the house of the bride and have been pretty good friends with her for the last year or so. (Plus there's the fact that Ms. BBoss is the co-Maid of Honor) I think this one will be a lot of fun, though I'll be sad to see her go.
The last wedding of the year will be in December. Actually, it will really be a brief private ceremony in San Diego (which I will not be at being that it's private) followed by a travelling reception. The reception will consist of two weeks of events starting in SD, moving up the coast, and then into Reno. There will be a couple of events in Reno, then the travelling reception will end in Carson City on New Year's Eve with a Masquerade Ball. This is the wedding my suitemate from the dorms, and long time friend. I am of course, also looking forward to this one.
I just found out about the December wedding today, when my friend T and I talked on the phone for the first time in quite a while. It was expected, but still very exciting news. But that would not be the end of the "expected but exciting" news category. The next one, though expected, was still a bit of a shock because I've been waiting for so long. At long last, my baby brother proposed to his girlfriend of five years. My mom was incredibly excited and wanted to call everyone that she knows... Except she doesn't know that many people. Now, here's where the title of the post comes in. After my mom settles down, she turns and looks at me and says, "You're next!" The funny thing is, I'm actually probably the LEAST likely person in my family to be next because pretty much everyone else is at least seeing someone. My mom is a funny woman sometimes.

Warm little ball

Ever feel like curling up in a warm little ball in the corner of your bed and hanging there until the mood passes?
Ever feel like you're floating around all alone, stopping to chat with people you've known, yet still lost among the masses?
Ever feel like your heart, having been broken too many times, might just give up, give in, and forget to beat again?
Ever feel like you're living your life in a dream, stumbling through unfamiliar places, trying to escape the pain?
Ever feel like your life has amounted to nothing, that you'll leave this cold and empty world without making your mark?
Ever feel like you're trying to find yourself in the middle of the night, and wind up even more lost and crying in the dark?

I just want to curl up in a little warm ball and start all over tomorrow. I feel like my blog has been like a melo-drama lately, so perhaps it's time for another round of "The Good Things in Life" brought to you by the letter Q and the number pi.
This time we're shooting for ten good things in Jeni's life that Jeni is grateful for.

1. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my roommates individually since I moved in.
2. I have a happy little sandwich ready for my lunch tomorrow.
3. I finally found out what my raise at work is going to be: a little over 4%
4. I have been enjoying my q.t.'s with God (not that I usually don't...)
5. My roommate who's been out of town will be back tomorrow.
6. My dad taught me how to change my PCV valve and air filter this weekend (quiet! I know the air filter's easy, but I'd never done it before...)
7. (Argh! This is hard right now) I am now eating 3 meals a day.
8. I have cooked several times in the last week (and I had the privelige of cooking for friends.)
9. I got to spend time with a couple of friends whom I don't see nearly enough of.
10. I have felt very loved and cared for by the people around me. Thanks to all who contributed to that feeling!

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day

Every year for my birthday, I get e-mails from friends reminding me that my birthday is also a very important holiday: Talk Like a Pirate Day. In honor of this great holiday, I am posting a link so that everyone can enjoy Talk Like a Pirate Day with me.

Guess what time it is?

Happy
Birthday
Scoey-D!!!

Caught Unaware

Thanks to all who have given me encouragement recently. I finally realized what exactly it is that's going on, and it isn't pretty. Last week at small group leaders' training, we talked about areas in our lives where we were being attacked because Satan doesn't like what we are doing. I hadn't really experienced anything yet last Sunday, and I was expecting it to be physical for myself as well as my family/friends because that is what other people had shared. Had I really thought about it, it should have been obvious to me that the easiest way that Satan could attack me would be to get me depressed. Once it seems like everyone is angry with me, or that I'm just plain dumb or not making sense, and I start believing it, then everything else shuts down. My eating habits turn to crap, I don't write, I don't clean, I don't exercise. Pretty much, I don't do anything except to sleep, cry and complain about my life (in this case, on my blog). I knew that I was starting to get depressed all week, but I didn't recognize it as what it was--an attack. I just chalked it up to me being stupid (as I have a habit of doing). I placed all of the blame on myself and that is just what Satan wanted. Last night I broke down, and this morning the only reason I showed up to church at all is because I had a commitment to be there during first service, just in case any babies showed up. I was trying to avoid talking to anyone, but God knew that was the last thing I needed right then, and I am grateful for that. Thank you to all of you who encouraged me this morning, for hugs and prayers, for friendly smiles and kind words. Thank you for knowing that something's wrong even when I say it's not, and thank you for loving me enough to ask again. Thank you to God, for loving me, imperfect and easily deceived as I am.

I am an @**

Okay, yeah. So, I am a jerk. I don't know when to shut up and I run my mouth off totally causing other people to lose their enjoyment in blogging. I don't want to stop blogging because I really enjoy hearing people opinions about important (and not so important stuff) but I feel like EVERYTHING I've said for the last week has turned horribly wrong. I say things in a way that doesn't make sense, or I say things that don't really need to be said, and I'm just completely an idiot about the whole thing. So anyone who might be reading this tonight who was involved in the whole mess, I'm sorry. I apologize for being an a** and going off. Please forgive me for being selfish in wanting to defend my "honor" or whatever you want to call it and forgive me for being so hasty in responding to something that was not meant the way it sounded. I really don't know what else to say. I feel terrible. I really messed up and I love you all and pray that you can forgive me (please).

Peace out for now,
Jeni

The funny thing about Molly-hair

Intro: Molly is a Jack Russell Terrier who lives in the house where I'm currently residing. She is the pet of the soon-to-be "Smug Married" who owns the house.

A recent scientific breakthrough has found that there are many uncommon uses for Molly-hair. Due to it's incredible staying power, it has been found to make an incredible sofa cover. Tired of staring at the same old bland brown couch? Say no more. With Molly-hair you can change the color of the sofa to white with just one shake of a dog's head. While Molly-hair is only available in white, it could easily be spray-painted a soothing shade of lilac or even a horrific shade of day-glo orange.
And that's not all? Are you a man who's suffering from premature balding? Are you afraid to get a toupee because you fear it will fall off? Fear no more. Just one package of Molly-hair and a box of hair dye and you'll have the full head of hair you've been wanting without the fear of being discovered. Thanks to the incredible adhesive power of Molly-hair, even a vacuum cleaner will not pull the hair from your head. No need to fear toupees in windstorms anymore. With Molly-hair fear is a thing of the past. Get your Molly-hair today.

A downer sort of day

After a long day at work, and a quick dinner at my parents' house, I went to chill with BBoss for a little while. As a result of our conversation, I am now thoroughly depressed. Okay, perhaps that is a bit of an exaggeration. But not necessarily entirely. It kind of sucks when someone tells you that something you've spent 20% of your life chasing after is never going to happen, no matter how right they are. It also sucks to see someone you care about struggling with something but have no way to help except to sit and listen and pray. On days like today, though my brain knows better, my heart feels let down by God. Perhaps this is the sort of thing I shouldn't say, shouldn't put down in writing, but it is real and at least putting it out there is better than leaving it buried inside of me, waiting for it to go bad inside of me, spreading all sorts of bitterness. I don't want it to be this way. I will pray that I will not let Satan convince me that the bad things that are happening are in some way God's doing, some sort of punishment for my inconsistent level of faith. I will pray that I would find the strength and faith to believe that God will take the pain away, both physical and emotional. I will pray that He will either change my job or change my heart about my job. I will pray that I will be led away from unrealistic hopes and dreams. I will pray that my friends and I will have the discipline to better manage our finances. And when it seems like there is nothing left to do, I will pray.

Why I am defective:

I could just blame it on the cold of doom that has been lingering all week. But it's so much more fun to write a poem about why one's brain may be broken. Enjoy.
Please don't take it too seriously!

Disclaimer: This poem is incredibly sappy and sentimental.

Disconnected

The words coming out of my mouth
my heart, just don’t seem to make sense anymore.
I once could write my feelings so well
that even one with different feelings would feel the same
but right now everything is confused.
The connection between my fingers and my brain
has been disconnected, torn out by some careless tenant
in the region of my heart--tearing out
whatever hopes and dreams got in the way, removing
all of his loose ends, taking away the pieces of life
he’d deposited in me and leaving me alone
with severed cords dangling around me,
eerie reminders of what has been taken away--
not just him, but the very last drop of hope
that someone might love me someday.

Musings on Love/Attraction

In today's post, I will be listing the qualities that it seems that men look for in women. It will be divided into the ones I have, and the ones I don't have (Just the top 3 of each).

Strikes against me:
1. I am not what would be considered "hot." Specifically when a man talks about a "hot chick," I would not fall into this category. (I do not say this to be self-deprecating. I would not deny the possibility of being considered pretty, beautiful, cute, etc because these are about an individuals perception. Hot, however seems to fall more into a societal perception. I'm not really sure that I would even want to be considered "hot" because that would be about what's on the outside, and I don't want somebody like that desiring me.)

2. I will not be considered the lesser partner in a relationship. It is my belief that a marriage is a partnership between two equals, neither greater than the other. I also believe that there is evidence in the Bible to support this position, which will be for a later post. The point is, finding a man who doesn't think the woman is supposed to stay home and take care of the kids and cook and clean and leave the important decisions to him alone, is challenging to say the least. Even men my age seem to frequently believe that women should not teach men, should live to obey men, etc. I will not have my voice silenced.

3. I am too eager to show what I know. I've heard occasionally (even from men) that this is somewhat intimidating. I rarely pass up an opportunity to make "intelligent" conversation. I've heard from some men that they like to be the "smart one" in the relationship, so if it appears that a woman might more than him, he will ignore her. I am not going to play dumb to protect some guy's ego.

What I do have:

1. I have a desire to make things better for people who do not have it well.

2. I am fiercely loyal to those who decide to call me their friend/family/whatever.

3. I am incredibly open--anything you want to know about me, I will be more than happy to tell you. (I suppose this could also be considered a strike...)

Let's hear it from the guys about what qualities in a woman are important (aside from being hot) and from the women about what important qualities we do have.

Yesterday's Post Part 1

I am reposting the first half of my post from yesterday because I decided that it needed to be separate. So, here goes:

This morning in church, I was revisited by one of my favorite stories from the book of Mark. There was a point during the service when it was mentioned that in order for God to fill us we need to believe that it will happen. When it comes to the signs of being filled with the Holy Spirit, I sometimes struggle with believing that such things would happen. My human, wanna-be logical brain tries telling me that such things are not possible even though my heart knows they are. And this is where I find myself going back to Mark 9:24 when the father of a boy who is demon possessed asks Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief. I find myself doing this a lot. When I come against things that are difficult to believe without experiencing or seeing them, I find myself praying for help with this unbelief, because though my heart believes, I still find myself in a state of unbelief.
A couple of years ago I wrote a song about this subject. (Keep in mind that I cannot play music and therefore the music is only stored in my head.)

Unbeliever's Prayer

My soul has felt your hope
My eyes have seen your joy
My mind knows of your peace
And my ears have heard of your love

But still I find myself
Questioning you again
My heart reaches out
My mind has no doubt
Still I'm wondering how
Things will ever change
And I ask you today
Help me with my unbelief

Your hands have touched my life
Your arms have held me close
Your voice has spoken truth
And your heart for me is loving

(Repeat Chorus)

Help me. My doubts are taking control
Help me. My fears are taking hold
(Repeat)

Sorry, for all of you who have already read this... I just thought that being that it was a different issue entirely that it should have its own post.

Fighting my Gifts

On the subject of spiritual gifts: I have taken the happy spiritual gifts test at probably 7-8 times in the last three or four years, and there are a couple of areas that I consistently score high in that I have a hard time with, and they are always in the top 3, tied for highest score...
#1 Celibacy: Now, this is a tough one. The description given by the evaluation is "The gift of Celibacy is the divine enablement to some members of the Body of Christ to remain single and enjoy it; to be unmarried and not suffer from sexual temptations." Now I have no problem believing that this definition applies to me. I do enjoy being single most of the time--I like not having to coordinate my daily schedule with someone elses. The problems I have with this are that first, I love kids and I'd like to have some someday--but I'm not really interested in doing what I need to do to get there, if you know what I mean. (I feel that this is highly abnormal... I won't even try to make sense of that...) Second, I really do want to experience loving someone so much that I want to spend every day with them for the rest of my life AND have him/her return the feeling... Not necessarily a spouse, just a permanent earthly companion... I want to spend my life with my best friend in a sense and bring up children with him. Any thoughts on this?
#2 Evangelism: Now this one, I really do not understand. How could I possibly be blessed with the gift of evangelism. I am too timid to start conversations with people I don't know. I do not speak well in front of people in large groups, and I've never led anyone to Christ. The only logical solutions I can think of (with the help of a couple of you...) are that a) I enjoy WRITING in a way that promotes Jesus and make him real to people and b) I have no hesitation to share my faith with people I know--or people I don't really know who start a conversation with me. I'm just not good at being the initiator with new people. At any rate, how is it that this one ALWAYS comes up?

These are my thoughts for today. If you have made it this far, you are braver than most.

Just posting to say:

Happy



Birthday



Becky!!!

One time too many

The evil K has messed me over one time too many. I am very upset with my manager right now-- There is an assistant manager leaving at work, transferring to Carson, actually, and my manager had encouraged me to apply for the position and I had openly expressed my interest. I've been waiting for the position to be posted, but now it seems that they gave the position to someone else without posting it or interviewing for it. I wouldn't really care had it not been for the fact that my manager ENCOURAGED ME to apply for it. I am actually downright angry about the whole thing. I want to leave there. I've been praying for something else to come up for a couple of years now, and still I'm there. I just want to move up, because if I'm going to be stuck there, I might as well start advancing myself, right? I really don't know what to do right now-- I can't ever seem to be able to find something new, but I'm not going anywhere in the Evil K either. Please pray for me to find clarity in this situation.

A very unusual day

I must say, that's what yesterday was. It was the first time that I actually SAT THROUGH both services at church. I mean, I've been there during both enough times, but usually I am doing something during one of them, so I've never been able to compare the difference. Also, I've never had the experience of hearing the same talk twice, causing it to sink in even more. This will be important later.
After church, I went to Ferntucky to visit my oldest bro & his wife. Only one of my nieces and nephews was there, which was VERY pleasant because the others, while I love them, are not terribly well behaved. My oldest sister called to talk to us, crying because now that she's in Atlanta she misses us and isn't getting along very well with the guy she moved there for--but she doesn't want to leave because her son, my nephew (who's 19) is doing well there and really enjoying it. Between the family, we spent an hour and a half on the phone with her, trying to calm her down. There were many bad jokes made and some disagreements about politics which one of the guests (not a family member) turned into a childish display of name-calling.
The ride home was probably the strangest thing that happened the whole time... The discussion of the political disagreement led into a discussion about faith and it gave me an opportunity to share with my parents. They asked me a lot of questions about what different things meant, and how I interpreted them and how I knew they were true and I discussed with them some of my experiences with faith. It was incredible. Opportunities like this don't come up with my parents very frequently. When I talk about church, they usually change the subject, but this time, it was them who kept the conversation going and I kept talking about it as long as they were willing to hear, which ended up being all the way home.
After that, I had another interesting thing happen which I don't want to elaborate on right now, but I will probably talk to some of you about it later.
And that was my Sunday.

By popular demand:

Okay, so I really had only one request to post some more writing here, but I am going to do it anyway. This poem is LOOSELY based on the person I was four years ago, when some of you first met me. While it is slightly exaggerated, it reflects the reality of who I was then. You can make your own assessment of how it compares to who I am now.

Shattering Divinity

She had everyone fooled

Known to the world as blushing innocence
she carried her Bible with her everywhere--
except on Saturday nights.
Those nights she was everything wild:
Painted on cherry red smile
pitch black eyelashes that go on for days
slinking around the smoke-filled room
in a dress so small her sister's doll could wear it
stopping every now and then
to toss back another shot of Cuervo Gold
drinking until the world around her
started spinning like a tilt-a-whirl
and blackness engulfed her.

Sunday morning
Despite her hangover,
she sat in the front row in church
and thanked God for another Saturday.

Are you happy now, denden? You requested some writing, and there it is. (It's a couple years old, but for now, it will have to do...)