Caught Unaware

Thanks to all who have given me encouragement recently. I finally realized what exactly it is that's going on, and it isn't pretty. Last week at small group leaders' training, we talked about areas in our lives where we were being attacked because Satan doesn't like what we are doing. I hadn't really experienced anything yet last Sunday, and I was expecting it to be physical for myself as well as my family/friends because that is what other people had shared. Had I really thought about it, it should have been obvious to me that the easiest way that Satan could attack me would be to get me depressed. Once it seems like everyone is angry with me, or that I'm just plain dumb or not making sense, and I start believing it, then everything else shuts down. My eating habits turn to crap, I don't write, I don't clean, I don't exercise. Pretty much, I don't do anything except to sleep, cry and complain about my life (in this case, on my blog). I knew that I was starting to get depressed all week, but I didn't recognize it as what it was--an attack. I just chalked it up to me being stupid (as I have a habit of doing). I placed all of the blame on myself and that is just what Satan wanted. Last night I broke down, and this morning the only reason I showed up to church at all is because I had a commitment to be there during first service, just in case any babies showed up. I was trying to avoid talking to anyone, but God knew that was the last thing I needed right then, and I am grateful for that. Thank you to all of you who encouraged me this morning, for hugs and prayers, for friendly smiles and kind words. Thank you for knowing that something's wrong even when I say it's not, and thank you for loving me enough to ask again. Thank you to God, for loving me, imperfect and easily deceived as I am.