Christmas Weekend So Far

Ah, what an eventful weekend after an equally eventful couple of weeks-- and not all in a good way. It started out last week when I spent the entire week feeling crappy and losing weight. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all about losing weight and I'm glad that I can now fit in a smaller pant size, but it really was not pleasant. When all was said and done, I ended up losing 9.6 pounds in a week. Now that I'm able to eat properly again, I've gained back two of those pounds. It seems that the problem was caused by the antibiotics I'm taking for Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth, which is the fourth answer that I've received since April and it is still undecided whether all of these things can be tied together in some way, or if they are all separate. So the antibiotics made me super-sick for a week and I have four more months where I need to take them for a week. We shall see how this goes.
So, just as I was starting to feel a little bit better and able to eat somewhat normally, my mom got the fabulous cellulitis infection right before Christmas. She went to get it checked it out on Sunday and they gave her antibiotics, which apparently did not help because it got worse instead of better and spread so they put her in the hospital for the night so that they could treat it with intravenous antibiotics. There was the possibility that she'd have to stay until Christmas Eve, but since it improved in 24 hours she was able to go home on Wednesday instead.
So Thursday, Christmas Eve, I had to work. We had been given the option of working longer days at the beginning of the week then only working 1/2 day on Christmas Eve, but I don't like going to work early because 7:30 is already early for me, so I opted not to. Most people took the 1/2 day on Thursday, so after 11am there were only 3 people still working in my department. My co-worker across the aisle put on Elf on his PSP and we listened while we worked. In the evening, I went to my aunt's house for the traditional Christmas Eve celebration. Every year my uncle (who is more like a sibling in maturity) and I provide entertainment by singing Christmas carols, sometimes in funny accents. He was also in theatre at UNR, so he enjoys performing as much as I do. My other uncle dresses up as Santa even though the youngest person there is 11 years old. And we eat lasagna every year. This has become a problem-- I really like lasagna, but lasagna doesn't like me. But I ate it anyway. And it didn't hurt me too much... After we left my aunt's house, we picked up Smokey and went to my parents' house and went to bed.
Christmas Day was much more busy than usual, but not in a bad way. We started off the morning with coffee at Starbucks (actually, soy chai for me) with my half-sister and her new husband and my nephew. Next, we picked up my grandma (the one who's not so nice) and went to breakfast at Black Bear Diner. I had a chorizo scramble which was quite tasty. After that, my parents wanted to take my grandmother out to the casino to gamble. Since I am really not a huge fan of the casinos, I went to the movies while my parents and grandmother went gambling. Yes, I went to the movies alone on Christmas. I love going to the movies alone AND I love going to the movies on Christmas, so it worked out quite well. I wanted to see Sherlock Holmes, but the next show time was over an hour away, so I went to Up in the Air instead. I was disappointed at first, but after seeing the movie, the disappointment dissipated. It was funny and sad all at once. It made me feel both content and depressed with my own life. It made me think about what's really important in life. After the movie/gambling, we were invited to dinner at my half-brother's house in Ferntucky and asked to bring dessert. So we went to the store to pick up ingredients for dessert and went back to my parents' house to make the dessert which was a cream cheese pudding pie. For dinner at my bro's house we had turkey, corn and macaroni and cheese. It was fun spending time with them, but the reality is I made very bad food choices which made it difficult to fully enjoy the evening. I really need to stop doing that. After dessert, I spent the remainder of the evening feeling crampy and tired, but I still had fun with the family. When we got back to the house, I crashed almost immediately.
This morning when I woke up, I got one of the books that I'd gotten for Christmas and went back to bed to read for a little while. We had breakfast, did some laundry and then went out to do some shopping. At Costco I got a beautiful Asian and Thai cookbook that has pictures of every single recipe. I really love Asian food because they use almost no dairy and very little wheat. I can't wait to try some of the recipes in the new pots and pans I got for Christmas. We then went to Starbucks with my brother and his... um... well his "friend"... Yeah, we'll just call her that. The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful. French dip sandwiches for dinner, finishing the laundry and Jeff Corwin's show on food network. Now I am home and I think it is almost time for bed. I think I shall take Smokey, my book and myself and head for the bedroom. :)

In most families, I'd be the weird one, but in this family, I'm the normal one...

Okay, I know. I've been a very bad inconsistent blogger as of late. Back when this blog first started, it was all kinds of emo and I whined a lot about how horrible my life was and so on. And over the last year, I decided I didn't want my blog to be that kind of place anymore. The problem is, the times when things are yucky in life are the times I feel most compelled to write, and so I have ended up writing nothing here. Emotionally, things are great. I look back at my old blog posts and realize that I have come MILES from the emo girl I used to be. That's not to say that I'm not still emo sometimes, because of course I am, but at this point in my life I have far more days between crying binges. (Okay, so that's not really hard since back then they happened almost daily...) At any rate, I am back to my blog and that's that.
As I said, emotionally, I have been great. I have isolated myself much less than usual this year and am learning to not take things so personally. People are people. They are flakey and inconsistent and it has nothing to do with me. It's just because they're looking out for number one...
Physically, I have been eeehhhhhh. But that is a story for another post, if ever...

Today's title, though, is about my family. I have to say that my family of origin/birth family is COMPLETELY insane! This is brought on by lots of family drama and weirdness as of late. It seems that nobody in my generation is capable of having a normal relationship. I will break that cycle eventually, but for now, there is my brother and his wife, each with their "spare spouses" as I like to call them. They each have a "friend" of the opposite sex with whom they spend their weekends and important days (such as birthdays, holidays, etc.) There are my half-siblings, only one of whom has even semi-normal relationship habits. But my two half-sisters... Forget about it. Definitely NOT rolemodels for me in my future life. The older of my two half-sisters got married last weekend with a week and a half notice. She married the father of her son. Sounds normal, right? Not so. Her son (my nephew) is TWENTY THREE and did not even know his father until this year. Did I mention that my family is insane?

Wishes

Today record your wishes: the secret ones, the old favorites or the one that is speaking to you right now.

I wish I could finish a novel.
I wish I could edit somebody else's novel.
I wish I could share dinner with another person at least 5 days a week.
I wish I could go to medical school just for the knowledge.
I wish I could go to grad school, but only if I didn't have to work at the same time.
I wish I could plan another bridal shower or two or three.
I wish I could take my parents on a trip to Europe.
I wish I had appreciated my body more when I was younger.
I wish I could go to culinary school, again, just for the knowledge.
I wish I knew for sure that I would have children some day.
I wish Ben & Jerry's would bring back the "One Sweet Whirled" flavor.
I wish I didn't cry so much, but it's better than the alternative.
I wish my talent matched my passion in the things I love the most.
I wish I had some nachos.
I wish I would make better choices.
I wish I didn't still have two more work days before my vacation
I wish I had a margarita to go with the nachos that I also don't have.
I wish I had the courage, the resources and the finances to make these wishes come true, but mostly to make my friends' and families' wishes come true...

Lies

Writing Exercise for 09/15/2009

Today write only lies. They can be absurd ones, such as, last night I had dinner with the President in Honolulu, or the lies you tell yourself and/or others. Without judgment be a total liar. Or write down lies you have told and, in retrospect, what motivated you to withhold the truth. Or, write a scene in which one of your characters considers telling a lie.

When I was in fifth grade, I went on a camping trip with my class to learn about surviving in the wilderness. This part is not the lie. The lie is what I told my classmates when they were trying to catch lizards and I was afraid. I didn't want to give them more fuel with which to burn me with their taunts, which saying that I was afraid of lizards was sure to do... So I lied. I told them that I was allergic to lizards. I know that it sounds ridiculous now-- after all, who is allergic to lizards-- but they bought it and I escaped the added ridicule that my irrational fear would have bought.

In eighth grade I lied to my mom about my grades. I told her that I was getting A's and B's and maybe one C when the reality was that there was maybe one A, one B and several C's-- and I didn't even mention the D I was getting in Algebra because I didn't do my homework. That would have meant explaining to her that I was miserable-- that it's hard to focus on doing your homework when you didn't even want to live. I cried a lot, but I never let her know how sad I really was because I was afraid of what she would do to try to make it better. I was afraid that she would actually make it worse. After all, in the past her interference, though with the best intentions, always had given the other kids even more reason to pick on me rather than stopping the trouble.
So the first semester she didn't find out about my grades until the failure notice came in the mail. I learned my lesson and did better the second semester. My grades didn't really improve but I learned to lie better. I told her that I was doing better in Algebra at least and then I made sure that I was the one to bring in the mail every day the week failure notices came out and I intercepted the notice, took it into the bathroom and burned it over the toilet then flushed the evidence.

When I was nineteen, I lied to everyone. I told them all that I was okay, that I was happy, then I secretly went into the bathroom and vomited or cut myself. I did it to distract myself-- by drawing the focus away from my emotions and onto the physical discomfort, I was able to keep from crying most of the time and even put on a happy face most of the time. I didn't want people to see what I was really feeling because they would think I was weak and needy. And if they thought I was weak and needy, they wouldn't give me a chance. This was a time of transition and I really needed people to give me a chance.
I still lie to my mother about this time in my life every day-- not that she's ever asked or even come close to knowing what I did during that time-- but I lie by omission. I tell her everything. I've admitted all of the rest of my lies and missteps, but this one I leave out. I don't want to worry her needlessly-- because even though this was almost eleven years ago and I'm not that person anymore, as a mother she will still worry about it and even be upset that I didn't come to her (even though I didn't go to anyone at the time) and upset that I did those things. It is the past and there is nothing to be gained by telling her.

These days, I still find myself lying constantly, but now it's in a different way. I lie when I act like I'm not smart enough. I lie when I say I don't have the discipline to change myself, to write a book, to run a marathon. I lie when I say I'm not pretty enough or interesting enough to meet somebody who will love me. I lie to myself every single day because to admit to myself that I AM intelligent, that I AM driven, that I AM beautiful and that I AM interesting means allowing myself to hope that the things I have always dreamed of are real possibilities. I lie, because having hope for the good things that may come if I believe in myself and taking action toward those things makes me afraid. I lie because if I convince myself that I can't do it, that I'm not good enough, then I don't have to try and then I will not be disappointing myself or anybody else when I fail.
This is my way of breaking free from the lies I tell myself. I am taking action. I am putting myself out there even though I'm afraid-- because if I don't, nothing will change. I will never feel more fulfilled and I will never know what could have been.

Piece by Piece

Writing Exercise from 09/14/2009

Today start writing with no thought about what form the material will take. Or, select material you already have and try it out in another form. Pick from short story, poem, essay, performance monologue, creative non-fiction, children's story.

The enemy prevails
where uncertainty dwells.
The devilish voice in your head
incessantly yells
at you letting you know
that your dreams are worthless
that you'll never make it,
that your life is a mess.
The more that you listen
the more you believe
the less that you fight it
the more you're deceived.
As you boldly break free
from the tight grip of fear
you'll find even more of
the things you hold dear--
you'll start to find love
wherever you look
all because of your courage
and the chances you took.

Snot

Writing Exercise from 09/13/2009 (Don't blame me for the content, I'm just following the directions!)

Today, for a minimum of one full page, write about snot. Afterward, consider how you felt before you began, as you wrote, and once you were finished. Record your responses. Check if any material emerged that you could incorporate into a piece you are working on. Or list other unmentionable topics you could explore as you write.

As she sat crying on her couch, her body quivered and pulsed much like the oozing, dripping gob of snot that hung from her left nostril. It's pale, slightly yellowish hue was reminiscent of corn chowder and she was to upset to do anything about it-- she just left if there trembling on her upper lip, just barely clinging on. The mass of snot was fighting its hardest not to fall, like an inexperienced rock climber clings to the face of a mountain just a little bit too challenging.

As she continues to cry, the pearlescent blob begins to pulsate as it fills with air and then deflates again. When she finally realizes the snot is dangling perilously, she sniffs, summoning a portion of the pasty fluid back within, then she runs the back of her hand under her nose creating a smeared trail of snot up to her wrist.

I feel that writing a whole page about the snot is a bit over the top, but it might help in the event that you're trying to accurately portray a situation that may involve snot. Of course it would be excessive to use the entire description, but to just pull the pieces that fit the situation, it could be quite useful.

In the Beginning There Was the Word

Writing Exercise 09/12/2009 (Incomplete)

Today write about the first time words profoundly affected you. Describe the situation, what led up to it, the moment of the encounter, your physical reaction, and something else that was taking place in the same setting but had nothing to do with your experience. Feel free to allow your imagination to supply whichever of these elements you can't recall. You might try this as a poem.

"Does not play will with others."
Six simple words and yet they caused so much destruction. The first time those words emblazoned a report card, I could not imagine the affect they would have on my life. The reality was that others didn't play well with me, but those six words changed everything-- those six words came to define me. If they wanted somebody who didn't play well with others, then that was exactly what I was going to give them.
I became the feisty little girl who didn't really pick fights, but didn't do much to avoid them, either. Had I been bigger, I might have become a bully. But it's hard to act tough when you're only four feet tall.

I Don't Remember

Writing Exercise from 9/11/2009

This time, begin with the phrase, "I don't remember," and fill up a page. If you draw a blank at any point, repeat the phrase "I don't remember," in writing, until something else forms in your consciousness. Notice if one of these non-memories suggests a section of a piece, an experience for one of your characters, or perhaps a topic to write about. Notice what subjects of non-memories emerge: are they the same themes you write about? If not, further explore one of the new ones.

I don't remember much about my life before high school. Some people say it's because it was a long time ago, but I know that is not the truth. While, yes, it was a long time ago, the reality is that there just wasn't much worth remembering before high school. Then again, I could be wrong-- how would I know if there's anything worth remembering if I can't remember.
Maybe what really happened is that I hit my head on the first day of high school-- no, make that the last day of middle school-- and forgot everything that had happened in my life prior to that day.
Or maybe it's like some crazy plot in a soap opera-- Perhaps I was kidnapped by some evil genius and brainwashed to do his dirty deeds. That sounds about right. I can almost see his sinister face looming over me as I begged him not to take the pleasant memories of my childhood away from me-- not to replace them with traumatic ones.
Or maybe I was right before about hitting my head, only like in the soaps, or maybe romantic comedies, I woke up and found that high school and college were just a dream.
I don't remember much about my childhood-- maybe because I was abducted by aliens when I was seven... Alright, so that one's a little far-fetched even for me.
Or what if I was drug off into the woods by a pack of bears and forced to live with them for several years and when I was finally rescued I suffered from PTSD and became agorophobic and refused to leave the house because I was traumatized but didn't really know why so I started seeing a psychologist who was paid by my parents to plant false memories so that I wouldn't remember the horrible things that had happened with the bears but my whole existance was then a sham because all of my memories were created by somebody else.
I don't remember most of my life before high school, so I think I'll just make it up.

Memory is Imagination

Writing Exercise from 9/10/2009

Begin with the phrase "I remember" and start writing. It doesn't matter if you stick with one memory or list several. You can retrieve memories from as far back as childhood (or past lives!) to as recently as yesterday. If you get stuck just keep repeating the phrase "I remember," in writing, until something else forms in your consciousness. Don't even be concerned with the authenticity of the memory. Just record whatever comes to you. Don't stop until you have filled two pages.

I remember the day I met my first boyfriend- the one I don't usually count. I went to a baseball game with my best friend. It was the Diamonds-- They were after the Silver Sox and before the Chukars and before the Silver Sox returned. I don't recall the details of how we wound up going to that game, but I do remember that is was with people from her church and he was one of them. Tall, brown eyes, curly hair.
I remember the day I met my second boyfriend. He was actually my friend's boyfriend at the time. I know that your friends exes are supposed to be off limits, but she's the one who set up up, so it seemed like it would be okay. The day we met, my friend had invited me to go see a movie with her and her boyfriend (who would later be my boyfriend) . We saw Mr. Bean, and afterward we went back to his house and his best friend played Fur Elise on the keyboard.
I remember the day I met my third boyfriend (and there hasn't been one since-- I learned not to settle for less than I deserve). It was freshman year of high school and a friend from my English class was friends with him. We'd seen each other every day because his locker was right by mine, but we hadn't been introduced. After the day we met, we would spend years bickering and bantering as friends before he became my third boyfriend. He definitely was a much better friend than he was a boyfriend, but I'd always know that would be the case and had settled anyway. Never again.
I remember my first kiss, well before all three of the boyfriends. It was the friend from my freshman English class the summer after freshman year-- I was fourteen. He wanted to be my first boyfriend, though I didn't know it at the time. He'd invited me over to the apartment where he lived with his mom along with some other friends for a pool party. The other friends he's invited were a couple. That night, we were all in the pool after dark and his other friends were in the corner of the pool making out. We were on the other side of the pool talking and he pointed up at the sky pointing out Orion. When I looked up, he kissed me. But I didn't kiss back. I was fourteen. I wasn't ready. And I'd thought we were just friends. I told him that I only thought of him as a friend, and he accepted it, though throughout high school he kept trying and I never was willing to give him a chance. If I have any regrets, that is it-- who knows what my skewed high school perception may have lost me.
I remember the day I met my first love, not realizing at the time what he would become to me or the drama that my life would become because of it. I had gone with a couple of friends to the Pi Phi Sorority house to play board games in the basement after the Thursday night meeting of Intervarsity. My friend and I had decided to stay on when the girl we'd ridden with decided to go home. We were going to walk back to the dorms-- After all, it wasn't very far at all. When the game night ended and the group dispersed, my friend and I made our way to the door, but we were followed by a friendly giant-- an extremely tall guy who hadn't said much all night. He announced that he couldn't let us walk back to the dorms alone and he joined us on our trek up Sierra Street. On the way, we passed two girls sitting outside on their front steps having a cigarette. One of the girls was wearing bunny slippers. Our tall friendly escort was quite amused by the slippers and asked the girl if he could try them on. I can't even remember if she let him-- just that he asked.
I remember all of these things and the lessons that I learned from each of these experiences have helped to make me into the woman I am today.

A New Challenge

Only 9 more days until Talk Like a Pirate Day. Because I don't really want to acknowledge the other thing that is happening in 9 days. I know it's not really a big deal, but at the same time, it is-- primarily because I have been lazy. I have not done most of the things I've wanted to do, and the reality is that some of those things are out of my control, but some of them are not-- some of them I've just been lazy about. I'm not trying to be too hard on myself-- after all, I know I've made progress in reaching out and meeting new people as well as being okay with being the one who does the inviting. But I've been lazy about other things that are important to me. I've been lazy about eating, mostly because I kind of gave up, deciding that if I was going to feel crappy no matter what I eat that I might as well enjoy it. I've been lazy about blogging because I got tired of nobody reading, even though I started it for myself and that used to be good enough. I've been lazy about writing because I'm afraid that I'll never be good enough. These are just some things that I've been lazy about, but they're also the ones that need to change. So the plan is as follows:
1) I'm going to join Weight Watchers with some of my co-workers. Our company pays for half, and I figure I may as well take advantage of that.
2) I'm working through a book of writing exercises one a day-- just as a warm-up to get my focused so that I can hopefully finish the novel by Sept. 19, 2010 (a year later than I'd originally planned, but better late than never.)
3) I will post the writing exercises on my blog, no matter how rough & crappy they are. This will be my way of keeping myself accountable with the help of anybody who may read this and notice that I'm slacking.

Feel free to check out now if you're not into this sort of thing or if you're opposed to long blog posts. Here is the first writing exercise from last night-- now remember, I said I was posting these no matter how crappy and nonsensical, so here goes:

Today dive into writing by choosing any one of the following words that have more than one meaning: bear, cleave, lie, sewer, tear or desert. Start by copying the word and quickly, without stopping for any reason, continue writing until you reach the end of the page. Making sense is unimportant. Your goals are speed and endurance. If you get stuck, repeat whatever word you've just written until something new spills out. After you finish, read the result. Don't forget to breathe, and try not to tense up your hand. Ready, set, go...

Desert
Living in the desert can be quite like going through life alone. After all, in both scenarios, any company you might find will be a great pleasure, and quite the relief.
There will be times in the desert that you find yourself parched. After going quite some time without the living water of companionship, you will find yourself dry-- unable to speak because of the cotton heaviness upon your tongue. In these times the appearance of even the most unwelcome acquaintances can come as a relief-- the may not be the cool, refreshing sparkling water you may be desiring, but unfiltered tap water will still quench your thirst until you are able to get to the place where you can find the cool refreshing drink you're looking for.
You may find times where you feel alone and deserted and sometimes it's because you simply chose not to drink-- you didn't want to settle for luke warm tap water, so you held out for something shinier in a plastic bottle. But when you get thirsty enough, you will take what you can get and you will find that the tap water is not as bad as you thought it was. You realize how much hurt you could have saved yourself if only you had given plain old tap water a chance in the first place.
After all, while the pretty plastic bottles can be so quick and convenient, so tasty in its variety of flavors and so attractive in its decorative bottle, you will find that it is tap water that will always be there for you, a faithful friend who never leaves, who will be wherever you go, whose provision will never run out and who will still be refilling you long after the pretty bottle is gone.

No Big Deal

As my 30th birthday approaches, I am receiving a lot of solicited and unsolicited advice from well-meaning friends, family and co-workers. The only ones who are offering no advice are the ones who most relate and understand to how I'm feeling. Most people seem to think that it's unnatural for me to NOT be excited by this birthday or that I'm making a big deal about nothing. And they're probably right. I probably should be excited and I probably shouldn't be thinking that I'll be depressed. But the reality is I know myself-- this is another landmark birthday that will be passing with my dreams still floating in the distance unfulfilled, and I don't tend to deal with that sort of thing very well. I want to be excited. I'm trying to make the experience as fun-filled and pain free as I possibly can. I'm trying to plan activities and vacations so that I will not have time to isolate myself or hole myself up in my apartment.
I really don' have much more to say than that, right now. I am excited about the things I have coming up-- I'm excited about quite a few things in September. I just pray that the excitement will last through the fall. I don't want to be the one who cries all the time about things that she has no control over. I don't want to be the person who isn't grateful for the good things in her life. I do want to be the person whose joy is contagious, whose smile is genuine, whose eyes do not betray some hidden emotion.

Trying New Things and Finding Comfort in the Old

Today was a day of trying new things... A lot of new things in one day for me. But the day started with an old thing that was quite enjoyable. First thing this morning, I went to I-Hop for breakfast with one of my friends from the days at the Evil K, who also happens to be a former roommate (in fact, probably the best roommate I ever had, besides my brother...) This is something that we used to do fairly regularly back in the Evil K days, but don't do so often now. It was a pleasant morning and well worth the sleep that was sacrificed.
Church was good in that since the group that I've now become accustomed to joining with for communion was completely absent, I was forced to reach out again and join somebody different. It's been almost a year since I had to do that! But I think I've grown more confident. This time, instead of going to somebody that I know, who would of course not turn me away (not that anybody would-- but my heart sometimes fears it), I went to somebody new, who I didn't already know. This is a new thing for me, having the confidence to believe that new people WILL accept me.
Another new thing I intend to try as a result of the message today: having the confidence to act on my potential. Yes, there was a lot of talk about hypocrisy and such, but what stood out to me was the little snippet about potential-- about God taking us and pulling out the potential that is already within us. Now, I don't have trouble RECOGNIZING the potential, I'm usually just too afraid to act on it. I'm afraid to fail, to not be good enough, to not LIVE UP to the potential. So what I need is to have the confidence in myself, as God does, as well as the confidence in God, to believe that I can do what God has for me-- that He will help me to do it. That would be new.
Later, in another new thing, I asked to join OTHER people in prayer at the end of the service. And not just any other people, but other people who generally intimidate me... This was an attempt to be more confident.
More new things: after church, I went to meet my family at Legends for lunch in celebration of the sis-in-law's birthday. We went to Jazz: A Louisiana Kitchen. This was my first time visiting the Legends "mall" or whatever you want to call it. Also, our lunch was my first time trying SEVERAL new foods: grits (didn't like 'em), fried okra (it was okay), breaded crawfish (was really good) and most interesting-- alligator bites (yes, they really are alligator meat...) It was fun and the food was tasty.
And back to the old, comforting things: I am now sitting at home, relaxing watching House on DVD. It's very comforting to do some of the same old things, particularly when there are some things this week that I am worried about. I find confidence in doing new things and having them work out, but I find peace in doing some of the same old things that I've been doing for years.

Lost Things

I have been thinking lately about lost things. Things I used to do and no longer do: playing soccer, theatre, running, spending time writing EVERY day. Things I used to have, but no longer have: a sense of adventure, a desire for something more, a passion for all things I do. Yes, the reality is, I have become indifferent and apathetic. I want to care, but I just don't. I miss the things that I've lost, but I don't really do anything to get them back. And the reality is that if I was willing to work for it, I could get each and every one of them back. But I've lost the energy to make the effort. There's a country song (yes, I know some of you are gagging as you read that) that says it perfectly... "My Give-a-Damn's Busted."

Here's the thing-- Back when I used to do any of those things, I really cared about all of them. I gave each and every one of them my heart. But during those times I had very few real relationships. And the ones I did have are mostly lost now. Those are the lost things I find myself missing today. Those are the lost things that I would like to get back, but I just don't know how. I know how to get back the lost things that are what I DO. But I don't know how to find the people that I've lost over time-- how to rekindle the friendships that I miss. There are some that I've lost that I've let go of because they had become unhealthy-- they were good for a time, but they were never meant to last forever. But there are some that I'd like to have back, even if just so that I know that their lives are good and they are healthy and happy.

This afternoon during my nap, I had a dream that my best friend from high school had died-- not in the dream. It was just something that I knew in my head in the dream. She had died and I ran into her sister and we were able to sit and share the things we'd liked about her and cry together. When I woke up, for a minute, for a minute I thought that I really had at some point heard that she'd died. In reality, as far as I know, she's still alive and well, married with at least one child. I've learned this through the reports of a mutual friend. I actually haven't seen her for at least ten years and the reality is that she could die and I could never know about it.

These are the lost things that make me the saddest, the most upset. How is it possible that the person I was closest to for three years back in high school could be completely absent from my life now? I don't even have her as a friend on Facebook or Myspace or any virtual manner of connecting. I've never even looked for her. I'm not sure if I should. Has it been too long? Does she ever think about looking for me? I am somewhat optimistic because last summer my mom reconnected with HER best friend from high school through classmates.com and now they communicate again. After over forty years they were able to reconnect, and this gives me hope for all of the lost things. Hope that lost friendships may someday be rekindled, lost ambitions will be rediscovered, lost passions will be reignited.

Life and things to come...

Today was a wonderful day filled with blessings. I had fabulous conversations with THREE of my close friends-- the ones who are just as much my friend as I am theirs and now I feel quite relaxed and encouraged. (I love you guys!)
The afternoon started out with a little time to myself, which was nice, because I really haven't had any of that for the last couple of weekends. Since I was meeting some friends for a movie downtown at 2:15, I just went straight downtown. It would have been silly to go home only to have to leave again 10 minutes later. So I decided to chill at Dreamers' for a little while and have some lunch. This was officially my first time trying a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich and I must say that it was quite tasty.
The movie was hilarious and then I went to Pneumatic Diner with one of my inner circle (hehehe) and had a tasty meal there. We walked around downtown quite a bit, which was nice. I really should spend more time outside... I should make myself do it, even when I really don't feel like it.
Anyway, after that, I went home and talked to TWO more of my friends on the phone which was also quite nice.

As far as things to come-- Real Simple magazine is having another essay contest. I can't believe it's already been a year since the last one. At any rate-- I fully intend to enter again. I think this time the subject is a bit less vague and I already know what I want to write about. They've also increased the word count from 1500 to 3000 words, which might make things a bit easier. I can't wait to get started.
Also, it's almost JULY which means that ARTown is almost here. I fully plan to take advantage of the free activities-- I may be broke, but that doesn't mean I can't have a great time in July. I'll be posting some activities on Facebook if anybody wants to join in on the ARTown fun...
And last-- I am making plans for my birthday because I want to have fun and hang out with the people that I love and care about when I turn *cough* thirty *cough*. It's three months away, but I don't care. I want to make sure that I am happy and not depressed and so I'm planning things that I enjoy and if anybody wants to join in, they're welcome to, and if not, it's their loss! More on that later.

I also see bedtime in my near future... We'll say about 15 minutes in the future... :) Good night, all!

My blog has been neglected...

Life has been interesting lately. For the most part I have been happy because of my friends-- the ones that God has so graciously placed in my life-- despite the constant feeling that something in my life is still unfulfilled. I've been dealing with some stuff that I'm just not going to blog about and these few fabulous friends who are endlessly loyal have been very supportive once I let them in. As far as everybody else-- I feel like I'm having to work far harder than I should, and I'm getting to the point of being burned out again on being the one to put in all of the effort. Why should I always be the one doing the planning and inviting? When does it get to be somebody else's turn? (The loyal few are excluded from this statement. You know who you are...) I'm tired and I need a break, but I'm afraid that if I take one, if I stop being the one to make the effort, I'll end up isolated all over again.
Partially I think I'm just emo because I have a lot of questions, a lot of issues, but not many answers. And partially I think it's because the up and coming birthday of doom (30) and I have yet to accomplish anything noteworthy. I know that our accomplishments should not/do not matter-- but as I said before, there are days when I feel unfulfilled. I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, how I should be making a difference, why I am still here, alone, waiting for life to happen. I know-- life doesn't just happen-- I need to take action of some sort, but I just can't figure out what.
And this is why I haven't blogged. Nothing makes sense. I have Jesus. I have friends who love me and I am mostly happy-- at least when they're around. So why isn't it enough? Why do I still see what other people have and want it even though I know it isn't right for me? Why do I sabotage myself in my pursuit of my dreams-- give up before I've even started?

Yeah... I think it's time for bed.

Until the next time...

Pointless Pregnancy Tests

Okay, so I made a status update on Facebook about this today but the size of a status update cannot truly convey the humor in this situation.
So this morning I had a doctor's appointment with the new doctor I started seeing about a month and a half ago. I changed primary care doctors because I was not happy with my previous doctor who dismissed my concerns, which in my new doctor's opinion, are very valid concerns, particularly given my family history-- which he also didn't dismiss because my parents go to the same doctor. So anyway, I've been seeing him trying to get the tummy trouble situation figured out and resolved. This was my third visit to his office and he has ordered various blood and imaging tests for me-- and today, out of nowhere, he asks me if there was any chance I could be pregnant.
I thought I'd made it clear on my new patient paperwork and during my first visit that I have not engaged in the necessary activity for such a question. I reminded him that if I was, it would only be the second time in the history of the universe that such a thing has happened. He politely laughed and told me that he wanted to do a urine test to make sure there was nothing unusual going on there. I didn't really think much of it, because he'd had my parents do the same in the past.
I wait in the room while the run the urine test and a little bit later he comes back and tells me that everything looks normal there... "Oh, and you're NOT pregnant." As if this is news to me... He then proceeded to tell me that since he was running the urine, he had to check because while he was sure that I wasn't, lots of patients lie about their sexual history. Every doctor says the SAME thing.

So, here's the long and short of it:
Number of pregnancy tests over the last 8 years: 5
Number of times I needed one: ZERO

Hence my status update this morning:

45 minutes at the doctor's office and here's the big news: I'm NOT pregnant. *Note Sarcasm*

I'm afraid that despite the "*Note Sarcasm*" the humor of it may have been lost on those who don't know me very well.

I thought I was going to have to move again

Okay-- I was kidding... Kidding. Don't freak out... I'm not really moving again.

But the reason for that header:
So this morning, I went to work early for some overtime-- started at about 6:30, which is WAAAAAAAYYYYY early for me-- and when I walked into the building one of my supervisors sees me and says-- "Oh, I was just thinking of you." Then one of my co-workers stands up and yells across the rows of cubes, "JENI! You're not 'sploded!" So I look at her, puzzled and say, "And good morning to you, too!"

Then my supervisor proceeds to tell me that one of the buildings in my apartment complex exploded...

So I went online to find the news story, just to make sure I didn't have to move again... :)
This morning they were saying that an explosion that may have been caused by a gas leak, but as the day went on and the investigators investigated, this is what they found:

How stupid can you get

At least I don't live in the same building as that lady!

Things I didn't do before

Over the last year, I've taken steps to be more outgoing, to reach out more, to talk to people and invite them to things despite the fear that they will say no. And over the last year, I've come to realize that if people do say no, it's probably not personal-- my head always knew this, but my heart was less rational. And I've also realized that when people say no, or bail on a plan at the last minute or whatever the case may be, it is their loss-- not mine. I can still have a great time doing whatever.
Today I did something a bit more unusual for me. I have become comfortable with reaching out to people I know and trust-- but reaching out to new people, meeting new people is still a challenge, but today, I found myself asking a complete stranger (a rather attractive one, at that :D) to join us for communion simply because I noticed he was alone. I didn't even think about it as anything unusual until after the fact. And that was when I realized that something has changed within me and I couldn't be happier.
I look forward to the excitement that will come as I continue to change and continue to willingly approach new people. I'm curious to discover what sort of opportunities this changed behavior will bring about. I pray that it will last-- that I won't just retreat back into my cave when things get tough. Only time will tell.

Weekend in Vegas Part I

So last weekend, I took a fabulous trip to Las Vegas to visit Becky. It was my first time in Vegas (aside from passing through the airport) since I was three years old. Of course Becky had fabulous non-touristy activities planned for the three of us (Becky, Mary and I).

So Friday night, out flight got in at about 10pm and we went to Becky's place to change for a night out on the town. (I know-- I'm usually going to bed about that time...)
The first place we hit was Firefly Tapas Lounge where we enjoyed appetizers and a pitcher of Sangria. (When I relayed the tale of the evening to my mother, she heard me wrong and thought I said Firefly TOPLESS Lounge... Oh dear. Not that it would surprise me if there was such a place...)
Next we hit a bar that Becky said was a locals sort of place where the "hipsters" hang out... It was called the Downtown Cocktail Lounge. Nothing particularly special-- typical bar environment, low lighting, music that's way too loud--it's more about the company than the place. The most unusual part was the bathroom-- the bathroom stall wall is a one way mirror, where it's a mirror on the outside, but when you're inside you can see out. Kind of creepy, actually. Anyway, here we are hanging out at the Downtown Cocktail Lounge:











Next we hit another bar, just around the corner called The Griffin. More of the same-- loud music, low lights. Good thing we were only having one drink per place, otherwise we'd be in BIG trouble, eh? Especially since there was still one more place to hit. The last place we visited was called the Beauty Bar-- apparently sometimes they do manicures in the bar-- and this is where the real trouble began. They have a courtyard in the back. According to Becky, there's usually a band playing there, but on this particular evening, they were renting out roller skates instead and people were skating around the courtyard... Yes, I knew that this was a bad idea-- but I let Becky talk me into it. Tipsy roller skating would be bad enough-- but to make it EXTRA fun, the courtyard was not flat. It had kind of a slant, so on one side you'd be skating uphill, and on the other side you'd be coasting down hill. Here is a picture of Becky and Mary skating (No picture of me skating-- it's bad enough Becky put one on her Facebook):











That was the end of Friday night. It was after three by the time we got back to Becky's and we all crashed pretty quickly.
Saturday we slept in and when we woke up we took a trip out to Red Rock Canyon. We took the scenic loop and stopped along the way for a short hike. Here is a picture of the prickly pear that poked both Mary and Becky, after which they both proceeded to flip off the prickly pear (but I thought that picture would be inappropriate for blogspot!):









When we got back from our trip to Red Rock Canyon, we got ready for Becky's dinner party-- she invited some of her Vegas friends plus her dad over for dinner so that they could meet Mary and I (if they hadn't already). The Thai food Becky made was fabulous and the conversation was-- well, interesting. The husband of one of Becky's friends kind of monopolized conversation, so there was a lot of sidebar talk going on... There was also some toilet trouble that resulted in everybody having to fill up the tank using a giant pot before they flushed... Poor Becky.
After the dinner party, Becky wanted to take us to a bar at Circus Circus called the Horse-Around bar-- It is a bar that was built on the carousel in the midway, and it apparently was mentioned in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Unfortunately the bar was closed, so we went to another bar at the Artisan. It was a classy sort of place with art on the walls and outside the bar in the lobby sort of area there was a nice fountain and tables and more art... I would have preferred to sit in the lobby area as it was much quieter, but it was nice, none the less...
We were home a bit earlier Saturday night, so we got a proper night's sleep, at last!

Too much drama

Yeah, that's what my life has been lately. I'm choosing not to elaborate at the moment because it's much more appropriate for my emo blog... But I'm here, and life marches on...

Extending Love Without Expectations

I'm in a phase again where I'm finding myself lacking the motivation to blog. After all- what is the point of sharing my heart if nobody finds it necessary to reciprocate?

The truth is this is something I've been struggling with in all parts of my life, not just online. I find myself not wanting to make the effort to put myself out there only to be ignored or pushed aside. It happens online and it happens in real life and I have been finding myself resentful of the people who do it. I am tired of constantly reaching out to people, of making an effort to love them when they aren't willing to give me the time of day.

This is where my epiphany comes in- this past Sunday, I arrived at church and was immediately in a foul mood. The people I have repeatedly attempted to reach out to just smile an walk on by. I stand around waiting for somebody to show up who actually wants to be a part of my life. I see a friend arrive and it improves my mood just a bit. Then, just before worship begins, another friend arrives and joins me where I am sitting. Worship begins and I'm feeling just a little bit happier. Then another friend arrives and joins me on my other side. And I'm filled with an overwhelming joy. I suddenly feel as though things are JUST as they should be.
I am convicted. I know that I have been selfish. I would not be happy being the center of attention, and yet sometimes that is what I want. In this overwhelming joy, God reminds me that He has handpicked each and every one of my friends and placed them in my life for a very special reason. Each of them fulfills a specific need in my life-- and I have no needs that are left un-met that would be fulfilled by any of the people whose attention I have been striving after. Things are just as they should be in God's eyes.
Just like a real family, just because somebody spends the majority of their time with other family members, it does not mean that they love you less. And there should never be a time where I do not show love to somebody simply because they have not been showing love to me. We are called to love others-- not to love only those who will show us love in return.

Jesus, please help me to love without expectation of anything in return. Help me to be grateful for the life that I have rather than resentful that it's not the life I want. Fill me with the same joy I felt in the moment I was surrounded by my friends, knowing that you have placed them in my life for a reason.

A New Season

It has always been that my friends come in and out of my life in seasons. It is gradual, but when I look back, it looks like things changed quite quickly.
Right now, it seems that I am entering a new season again. I love my old friends dearly and they are still and will continue to be my friends. But we're not in the same place anymore and they are no longer the people I feel most comfortable turning to when I'm down and just need someone to cry with, to pray with. Over the last year or two, I have made some great new friends and reconnected with old friends who are in the same place that I am. But with the new friends, I still haven't quite established who is the one I should call when I'm feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable and need somebody to pray with. I kind of feel like I'm wandering.
Over the last few years, I have become 100% more outgoing than I used to be, and yet I still find myself feeling lonely. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It just happens. While it is great to have lots of friends and spend time in large groups, I still need to connect on the personal level with people as individuals.
And that part is finally starting to come around to. This new season may just be spring time when the sun begins to shine much brighter and the beautiful colors begin to light up all around.

Violated!

Yes-- It is a tale of excitement and adventure, most of which I missed, despite the fact that it happened to me.

So today, just like every Sunday, I had bowling at the Coconut Bowl at 6:00. Our practice starts at about 5:50. Nothing particularly notable about this day. I did have a drink-something called "orange dreamsicle"- which is a little bit different. On about my third practice ball, I went up, took my turn, and when I came back, everybody is pointing at my purse and asking whose it is. I said that it was mine, and of course, asked why they wanted to know. I thought maybe somebody had spilled something on it, or knocked it on the floor or something.

And then the bartender said that he caught some guy trying to steal it. During the minute I was up throwing a practice ball, some guy had grabbed it and stuffed it under his coat. The bartender saw him and said something to him, at which time he dropped my purse and ran off. The bartender brought it back, and that is the moment that I returned from my practice ball.

I didn't see any of this happen-- this is just what I have been told. But I checked my purse to make sure nothing was missing, and then I took my wallet, stuck it in my pocket and asked my dad to put my purse in the car.

I thought that was all-- I felt violated and upset, but I thought that there was nothing to be done. I assumed that the guy had fled the property never to be seen again. But then halfway through the first game, the Sparks PD showed up and wanted to ask me about what had happened. I really didn't know anything since I didn't see anything. But then they said that since it was my property, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to press charges. All throughout the first game the police were in and out with reports to be filled out and statements to be made.

Then they needed to go through my purse to assess the value of the items inside to determine if the would be thief would be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony. It turns out that I had almost $500.00 worth of personal property in my purse (including the purse itself). So, apparently that makes it a felony. So we got everything wrapped up and my dad took my purse back to the car and the remainder of the night was uneventful.

I joked through the final two games, but when the evening was over, I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt violated- but also I felt incredibly blessed. The bartender's attentiveness saved me a lot of time, money and frustration. I feel like I should give him a giant hug (which would obviously be inappropriate) or buy him a drink (which would also be moderately inappropriate) or send him a cookie basket or something.

I think maybe I should have another drink before bed. Ugh, what a night.

Life should be more than this...

I have, as some people have noticed, been struggling more than usual recently. I made a particularly emo post on my emo blog about part of it, but it doesn't really tell the whole story. In my life, there has almost always been a song that characterizes what I'm going through at any given time, good or bad. I've written about them here before, and they usually come to my mind unexpectedly-- sometimes they are songs that I haven't heard for months or even years. Today the song that characterizes this period of my life came to my mind. The song is "I Belong to You" by Superchick. Yes, I know Superchick is rather cheesy and such, but the song is quite true to what I am feeling right now-- so here are the lyrics:

Everybody needs to belong somewhere
life can feels so alone without someone who cares.
And when life becomes something just to get through,
that’s when I’m glad that I belong to you.

I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.

Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone.
When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own,
when nothing helps, there’s nothing that I can do,
you surround me and show me I belong to you.

I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.

When Love is gone there’s no arms to run to anymore,
I’m all alone there’s no one for me to live for,
letting go of the things I’ve always clung to,
that’s when I need to feel that I belong to you.

I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.

This is how I'm feeling, spot on. I really do have a lot of days right now that just feel like something to get through. I do feel quite alone most of the time. I do have days where Jesus is the ONLY thing keeping me living-- because without Him I'd still be living the life I was ten years ago which consisted of intentionally hurting myself and wanting to die. The skeleton in my closet is that I still sometimes think about it. I never seriously consider it anymore, but it still pops up in my head, and there are days that it takes great restraint to not punch a wall or pull out a razor blade-- but Jesus gives me the strength to make the right choice, even in the moments when there is nothing I would rather do than cause myself pain. It is the weapon in Satan's arsenal against me that only Jesus can defeat.
At any rate, the song tells where I am at and what I'm living for right now. And I'm praying for a new song to come along really soon, one that's more about hope and less about loneliness.

My Essay, as Promised

So I said that I would post my entry to the "Real Simple Magazine Life Lessons Essay Contest" on my blog after they posted the winner (not me). And so here it is-- If you don't like long, you should probably leave now. It's short for an essay, but still long for a blog post.

The question was: What was the most important day of your life?
“What was the most important day of your life?”

I look at this question and I am completely overwhelmed. After all, how can one possibly choose ONE most important moment of an entire lifetime thus far? Okay, so maybe if I was married, I might call the day I met my husband the most important moment of my life—or if I had a child, the day he or she was born might be the most important moment of my life. But my life to this point has not been quite that predictable or cliché. It has not been the life little girls dream about when they are young. There is no dream man, no dream family with 2.5 children, no dream house and no dream job. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining, I am mostly happy with my life—but it’s not at all what I had thought it would be. Two major stops on my “happily ever after” timeline have already come and gone unfulfilled. In my fictional life that I created for myself, I was married by 25, had my first kid by 28 and had published my first novel by 30.
When I turned 25, I spent the first half of the year trying to get over the fact that I wasn’t married. When I turned 28, the not having a kid wasn’t quite so much of a blow because I still hadn’t (and haven’t) found the man I’m going to marry. One thing I didn’t think about is that these goals are not realistic. Yes, things could have happened this way, but they didn’t, and it’s not because I’ve failed. I would have failed if I settled for something less than I wanted just to make this happen—but it takes a stronger person to hold out for what is right, even if it means watching all of your friends get what you want and still waiting. As far as the third stop on that timeline? There’s still time for that.
Thinking about all of these things made me realize that I knew exactly which day to call the most important day of my life. I discovered that TODAY is the most important day of my life. Today I will learn to never lower my standards in an attempt to find love. Today I will be made whole again. Today I will meet my first love, and today I will let him go. Today I will go to driving school, get my license and buy my first car, and today my mother will nearly have a nervous breakdown when I come home with a flashy red car. Today I will move into my own apartment. Itwill be small and a little bit dingy, but it will be mine. Today one of my dearest friends will move halfway around the world and I will be terrified that our friendship can not, will not survive; and today I will discover I was wrong as our friendship remains solid. Today I will graduate 11th in my high school class; and today I will graduate college (just barely) one semester after changing my major, saying farewell to the teaching career I never wanted anyway. Today we will celebrate my great-grandmother’s 100th birthday, and today she will pass away. Today I will watch my little (though not in stature) brother get married before me. Today I will remember all of these days. These are just some of my todays, but each and every one of them has helped to make me the person I am on this today. And all of the todays that are yet to come—how will I choose to spend them knowing that each one is the most important day of my life?
Today is the day I get out of bed and go to work so that I can pay the bills. Today is the day I will smile at a stranger passing by and maybe he’ll smile back and maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll even stop to chat. And maybe we’ll never talk again, but maybe we will. Today is the day I will take a chance on people. I will love them in spite of the possibility that I will get hurt, or that I will hurt somebody else. Today I will put pen to paper and write something beautiful. Okay, so maybe only my mom and dad will think it’s beautiful, but it’s a start. I will just sit down and write whatever comes out because I will never write anything beautiful if I continue to write nothing at all. I will write this essay and I will mail it even though I will never be completely happy until it’s perfect—which it never will be. I will write because it’s what I love and I will not stop just because it’s not perfect.
Today is the day I choose to put my all into what I have at this moment rather than holding back, waiting for my “real life” to begin. Today is the day I celebrate and cherish the life I have rather than coveting somebody else’s. And when tomorrow becomes today, today will still be the most important day of my life. After all, there is no good that can come of always looking behind us, wishing things could be the way they used to be, or wondering where we went wrong. Glancing back and remembering the good times and learning from our mistakes is natural, even expected; like checking your rearview mirror while you’re driving. But when we continue to look behind us, we miss what lies ahead— not only the obstacles, but the joys as well. We miss the roadblocks in front of us and we crash. Or worse yet, we are so busy looking back at the love we used to have that we zoom right past the love that’s yet to come, missing out completely. Each today is a choice. We can choose to be in today and make the most of it or we can choose to be in yesterday and tomorrow, completely missing out on today.
Today is the day I move forward. I will not live in the past, nor will I worry about what the future holds, because worrying will take me nowhere. I will live today in a way that reflects who I am and what is important to me. I will stop expecting to fail. I will make a reachable goal for today and today and today. I will do what I can with what I have and nothing more or less. I will value my commitments to myself as much as I value my commitments to others. Today I will spend a little less money and a little more time on myself. I will make dinner for a friend. I will pray for contentment with a life that is nothing like I planned and expect my prayer to be answered. I will stop standing in the place I have been and take one step forward, then another and another. Today I will choose to do all of these things. And tomorrow I will have to choose to do them all over again because it will be another today… And another best day of my life.

A New You in 2009

Okay, so I'm not really counting on a NEW me in 2009. Yes, I will continue to grow and change, but I know I will not INSTANTLY be new. But I was watching TV and that's what the commercial in the background promised, so it seemed like a good title for a blog post.

2008 kind of sucked, but it is done and over with, so there is no use dwelling on that now. The topic of this post is the things I realized about myself this weekend that I can now work on.

As you all know, I love kids-- I really want my own, but alas it is not the time. As you also know, the place that I generally serve is with the kids. I spent several years working in the nursery once or twice a month and then I moved on to watching the younger kids while the older kids were in youth group. Once youth group stopped meeting on Wednesday nights, I never picked up another area of service. I really wanted to work with the kids, but I thought that it was best to stay away because I thought it would put too much focus on what I want more than anything else but cannot have.
But this weekend I realized that since I stopped serving with the kids and no longer had regular time spent with kids and/or serving, I have been MORE depressed. So I stopped to try to keep from being depressed and it actually made me more depressed. And so now, it is BACK to the kids. HOORAY!

In other news, it is a wonderful thing to have friends who share the same struggles as you. It feels great to know that there is somebody knows exactly how you feel and what you mean without having to give a lengthy explanation-- though it would be exponentially better if none of us had to deal with it- but since we do, being able to share the struggles makes life a little bit better.

The Real Simple Magazine essay contest that I entered will be posting the winners this Friday. I haven't heard anything yet, so I am assuming that I am not a winner. However, I will remain hopeful for three more days until the winners are posted. After that, when (oops I mean if) I am not a winner, then I will post my essay on my blog.

Happy 2009 to you all! And now it is time to watch Jeopardy-- It makes me feel smart.

Happy New Year and Welcome to 2009!

You know all of the rules about drinking that one should follow in order to avoid feeling crappy the next day? Let's just say that those rules went out the window this New Years' Eve. The last couple of years I spent New Years' with my family for lack of a better plan. This year I attended a "progressive dinner" with a couple of my closest friends and it was quite an adventure. I enjoyed myself immensely despite my resistance to the entire idea. And at the encouragement of my friends, I did indulge in some beverages. To be honest, I broke the cardinal rule of drinking and mixed my alcohols... I had a margarita at the first stop (tequila). Shared a bowl drink with my friends at the second stop (also tequila). No drinks at the third stop. The fourth and final stop is when everything went down hill. I started with a glass of wine, moved on to a mojito (rum), then decided that a PEAR mojito might be better (vodka) and then after midnight enjoyed a couple of mimosas (champagne) and a glass of wine. Let's just say this is a once in a lifetime experience. I feel great at the moment, but I'm sure that won't be the case in the morning... I am currently eating crackers and drinking water to try to minimize the consequences. And I am QUITE looking forward to coffee with Erica tomorrow. Should be a great time. Happy New Year to Ya'll and I shall see you soon! :)