Some thoughts on waiting your turn...

There's a book I've been reading called When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas. I have mentioned it here before. It's the sort of book that, rather than reading a chapter a day, I have been saving, not wanting to be finished. Instead, I have been reading a chapter here and there when I feel like I need a pick me up, or a nudge in the right direction. The chapter I read this week is called "Until It's Your Turn." I'd like to share some of the insight provided by this chapter:

p. 106 "The mature woman knows how to wait on God. She has learned through tears, disappointments, and even rejection that sometimes it's just not your turn. That doesn't mean it won't ever be. Or that you're not qualified. Or that you've gone completely the wrong way. It's just not yet."

p. 107 "To do everything we can, stay the course, and wait to be next requires a grown-up Jesus woman who has put away whining and manipulation. She has decided not to stomp her feet, huff and puff, groan and complain. She is waiting with integrity. Not cutting in line with her friend who's farther ahead. Not cheating for advantage. Not bargaining or bribing. Just waiting until she is called."

p. 108 "Waiting is not whining or fretting or looking over to compare whose turn came before ours. Waiting is an opportunity to grow up. To wait upon the Lord means choosing a higher road that most are not willing to take. Sometimes the wallflower has to wait to dance."

p. 109 "A long time ago I heard the adage You haven't begun to wait until you think you've waited long enough." "But maybe it's not about the length of time you have been waiting; maybe what matters is how." (Do you see where I'm going with all of this yet?)

p. 117 "While you wait, are you actively becoming the woman God can use? Are you faithful to prepare?"


So, after all of that, what was my point? In case you are reading this and wondering, "what exactly is Jeni rambling about now?" I am about to explain.

This whole chapter got me thinking about how I wait for things. I do not wait patiently--even in a grocery store line or a traffic jam, when I have to wait I grow surly and irritable. It affects everything in my life--The way I pray (without faith), the way I eat(too much), the way I sleep (not well), the way I clean (I don't), and the way I write (I also don't). The moral of the story is, I don't like to wait. I suppose part of the reasoning for this is because when I am waiting for something, I am incapable of focusing on anything else. My whole life is focused on the one thing I am waiting for and everything else is just an interruption or a distraction. It keeps me from doing any of the other things that God has for me.

Right now I am waiting for my turn at romance. This has been an on and off thing for several years. My eyes are so set on this ONE thing that I want that I cannot focus on my other dreams/Godly desires. Who cares about writing? Who cares if learning this computer program will help me if I get the chance for a different job? Who cares if I want it to be Christmas every day? I don't have time to worry about that. I need to get somebody to fall in love with me. While I'm waiting for the love of my life to come along, which could be months, but could also be YEARS, I could be writing (something other than blog posts) or developing a plan for Christmas Everyday, or investing in learning a new computer program, or even making my room into a suitable place to spend time writing. I could be doing any of these things to work toward what God has for me, but I'm not. I'm laying around reading, moping, and sometimes crying and screaming, my mind focused on how much it sucks that I'm still alone. It is time for this pattern to end. Today, I will take some time to write, and I will dance victoriously at the end of the day.

Everything stays the same...

Denden requested an update but there's really not much to say. I'm still struggling to let go of something that has been a part of me for five years. The reality of it is that I don't really want to--I just feel like I have to. True, I WANT the pain that it has caused to be gone. I WANT to have joyful life without so much drama, and am trying to be active in choosing that. But when I am alone, it's not as easy as it is when I'm around the people who love me. They help to force it out of my mind, or at least to the back where it's not so prevalent. I'm trying to force it out the rest of the time, when I am alone--But my heart continuously betrays me. In a moment of weakness, I stumble back to the source of it all. I want more than anything to see his face, hear his voice offering me words of comfort, and if I can't have that then at least I have to read what he writes, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I did so well at it for a month and a half before he forced himself back in. Since then I find myself unable to stay away, even knowing that his words are the cause of my ever growing restlessness. Everytime I stumble and go back to them, I find something that confuses me even more--that gives me even more for my mind to wrestle with as I try to get some sleep. I return over and over again hoping to find something that will give the situation more clarity, but it just keeps getting murkier and murkier. Before I go, I know that I will not find anything that helps me, and yet I am continuously drawn. I need to stop going there. I need to not desire to know what he's doing/feeling. If God has plans for us down the road, so be it... He can take care of how we get there. But in the mean time I need to stop going there and focus my attentions on other things that God has for me. I need God to give me the strength and discipline to do this because it's completely obvious I cannot do it on my own. I want to be as focused as I was in that happy month and a half where I still cared, but I didn't NEED to know. Dear God, please return me to that.

A prayer for sleep

It has been just over two weeks since the last time I slept soundly through the night. I have been having a hard time falling a sleep and once I get there I am having dreams I don't want to have and waking up before it is time. I am beginning to feel run down, exhausted, irritable. Really small and insignificant things have been getting on my nerves because of my inability to control where my unconscious mind wanders... And because of this, I am also struggling with protecting my concious mind from such thoughts.

I pray that as I go to bed tonight that my mind will be free from these distractions--that I would be able rest in God and not have my thoughts wandering elsewhere while I sleep. I pray that I would have the strength to stay away tomorrow and the next day and for as long as it takes. I pray that God will soon begin to reveal his plans in this and that I will be accepting of them. Jesus, please be my strength, my courage, my grace, my love. I know I don't ask nearly enough.

Just a thought...

How sad is it to find typos when flipping through a book of cocktails? This is my life...

A valiant effort

I really did try... But there was no way my little Ford Escargot was getting up that hill. Perhaps I'll try again at ten thirty... Or maybe I'll walk, it's really not that far... But can I trust the cars on the road not to slide into me... Eh, we'll see...

My Christmas card

Despite the fact that I generally don't like the way I look in pictures, I had my roommate take pictures of me with my cat so that I could use one for my Christmas card. Smokey was just like a little kid--he didn't behave the whole time we were trying to take pictures. He kept squirming and getting distracted and looking in every direction but the camera. My roommate then proceeded to joke that she didn't think pet photography was for her. At any rate, here is the end result:

Numb

It was easier to be numb. When I was angry and thought he didn't care, I was numb. I had a protective coating of frost protecting my heart. I had embraced the numbness the way one who'd injured themselves would embrace an ice pack. The anger and indifference was my icepack. But the truth has come out, melting the layer of protective frost, leaving me open to pain once more. I have up until this point learned to go on through the pain, by making it numb, but now it's time to see the good doctor, Jesus, and have it healed. I have gone a month, and I will go on for much longer. I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and I have only God to thank for that. Now it is time for more strength. It would be so easy to give in--to break down and cry--or to try to put things back the way they used to be. But God wants my whole heart, and He can't have it if I've given part of it away. I can wish all I want that this had gone the other way, that my life had become a romantic comedy complete with the happy ever after. Wishing will not change the fact that I'm the only one who wants that ending. My life is not a romantic comedy and it never will be. My life is a testament of God's love and strength. I choose to be joyful despite the pain... I choose to love despite the risks.

A story of healing

November 29, 1998

Three days past Thanksgiving, two days after the break-up. I had cried for a while, hung out with a friend, and was ready to move on. At least, I thought I was. And then I showed up at work, and he was there. Smug, cheerful, as though nothing had happened to soil his weekend. Talking to me as though nothing had changed, like things would instantly be the same. He was on his way out the door when I came in, for which I was glad. I didn’t want to let him see me shed another tear over this.

It’s not like I loved him, I still had no clue what love felt like. But I had shut everyone else out of my life because at the time I didn’t know any better. I had made him the center of my world because I wanted to love him--I wanted to know what it felt like. He had told me that he loved me three weeks in (which I’m certain was just a ploy to get me into bed) and for the following four months he had been trying to coax me to say it back. He wanted leverage so that he could say, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t hold out on me.”

The truth of the matter is, I don’t think that ten years together would have made me love him. But at the time I was convinced that I would learn to love him despite the fact that he met very few of my standards. I thought that I would learn to like being kissed by him, being let go quickly when we hugged, being practically ignored in public, being pressured to have sex before marriage. I thought I could get over the fact that he called himself an atheist, that he talked down to me because I wasn’t an engineering major, that he absolutely despised kids. I thought it would all work itself out one day.

Perhaps this is why when he called it off, took away my chance to make him the man I wanted him to be, I was completely devastated. I had halfway been expecting it, and yet when it happened, I was appalled. I couldn’t believe that we were through. I begged him to change his mind, I cried until I was hoarse, and it didn’t change a thing. I was just left there with a soggy red face and a sore throat. The day after the break-up my mom and my friend Jamie did everything they could to cheer me up, and I thought I was going to be okay.

And then I saw him. That’s the trouble with dating someone from work-- if it doesn’t work out, you can’t avoid them. You still have to see them every day--still have to be reminded of the failure day after day after day. I wouldn’t let him see me cry, but the moment he was out the door, I was sobbing once more. I tried to make it stop. I knew it was unprofessional to be crying at work. I hated that I always cried. I fought it for two hours and still, I couldn’t force the tears to stop. They sent me home from work, because after all, who wants to eat an extra-salty pizza flavored with my tears. (Perhaps someone who’s a fan of anchovies...) But I couldn’t go home yet--I didn’t want my mom to know how upset I was. I had been keeping my depression a secret from her: she didn’t know about the cutting or the self-induced vomiting and it was definitely not the time to tell her that I wanted nothing more than to die a quiet painless death.

I headed to the back room of Round Table Pizza and waited. An hour passed, and still I cried. I wanted it to stop. I wanted my brain to stop--I wanted the tears to stop--I wanted the breath to stop. I dug in my bag for anything I could find. No razor. No sharp objects. Ah, a bottle of Advil, a bottle of antihistamines... It would have to do. I lined the pills up on the table so I could count. Fifty in all between the two. I’d never been good at swallowing and took them one at a time, like it was a ritual. When it was through, I felt like I needed more and grabbed ten single dosage packages of Aspirin from the first aid kit and swallowed them also. When I was finished, the tears were gone. My brain had started to feel doughy, as though my head had been stuffed with clay. I was calm when I called my parents to pick me up. When I got home, feeling dizzy, panic began to set in. I prayed my first really, non-formulaic prayer: “Oh God! Sh**! What did I do? I really wish I hadn’t done that. I really don’t want to die! My parents can’t handle this. Oh f***! God, I don’t want to die! Help me please!”

That night has been both the foundation of my faith and one of my biggest struggles for the last seven years. Every year on November 29th I have struggled with an enormous burden of guilt--I have been angry, depressed with myself over and over again every year. I have had to constantly forgive myself. But I am writing this mostly just to praise God today, because on my way home from work today I realized that this year I had felt none of that. November 29th passed without event--I felt no guilt, no self-hatred, no depression and had no thoughts of this event at all. I praise God that I have been healed enough that November 29th can go back to being just another day instead of a day filled with dread and regret. I praise God that I can now even survive real love being unreturned because no man is the center of my universe--I am glad that only God can have that place.

The look of joy

This morning during worship, I found myself smiling uncontrolably. I felt so filled, so joyful that I could do nothing but smile and dance. I have to say, I feel happier, more content, more peaceful than I have for a really long time. I am in the process of shedding the excess baggage that has been weighing me down. For the last four years, I have been struggling to focus on God, to be joyful in Him, to find comfort by His side, because I have been so focused on this one thing that I had allowed to weigh me down. It is not going to weigh me down any more. This burden is being cast aside, it is being pushed away, it is no longer going to be a part of me. I am telling you all this because you are my family in Christ and I want to proclaim before you what I intend to do so that I can be held accountable to that. This burden can no longer be a part of my life. I feel comfortable doing this now, because I know I have so much love from all of you to fill up the space that I've been leaving empty for so long.
I have to say, six months ago, I could not have made this step. I didn't see the love that was out there to keep me from falling. I felt like I was not really part of the church FAMILY at all--that I was really more of like a long term guest. I lurked on the sidelines, clinging to the walls, waiting for someone to invite me into the family, as though I wasn't already a part of it. I only spoke to those who spoke to me first, and even then, I was never really truly honest. That all changed shortly after all the blogs began popping up--one day after church when Scoey was talking to Becky and I, he said something along the lines of I'd told more about myself on my blog in that one month than I had revealed to the people there in four years. That hurt me to hear that. I hadn't really realized that I was keeping people on the outside, not really letting them know me. After that, I made an effort to actively pursue conversations with people. To be honest with them when I spoke--and sometimes I might over share, but it's better than not sharing at all. Once I made this effort to pull myself away from the walls, to engage in face to face conversation, I began to feel like I was a part of the family I had been outside watching the whole time. Here's the thing I've come to realize: If you're part of a family, nobody has to INVITE you to talk to them--you just do it. When I go to my parents house, I don't go stand by the wall until they talk to me; I greet them with joy, because I'm happy to see them. I give them a hug, I ask them how things are going, I tell them how things are going for me, and I don't have to be afraid that they don't love me because they are my family. And why should it be any different in God's house? Why should I go there expecting to be invited to talk, afraid that the people there won't love me, because I know that they do--they are my family, too.
So now that I've come to realize how much I belong, and how much love my family in Christ has to offer, I know that I have the strength to start on a new path. This new path is all about finding what God has for me and really seeking it. It is about turning away from giving my focus to someone who will never love me in return, when it should be on God who has loved me all along. It is about letting go of hurt and finding joy in all things, even those that are tedious and seem unimportant. Nothing that God has for me is unimportant. I need to put that in a prominent place in my room so that I can be reminded of it every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep and everytime I sit at my computer to post another blog. I am going in a new direction and that new direction starts (again, maybe?) today.

The Upside of the Evil K

Today I received a box from my friend Meg who live in Iowa. It contained six books that she had borrowed from me about a year and a half ago and a rather large quantity of candy. The candy was packaged in a bag along with some other "FedEx Peak Shipping Season" supplies such as Duck Tape (Yes, it is DUCK tape because that's the brand of duct tape), Band-Aids, Kleenex, Sharpies, and Chapstick. I had expected to never see my books again, so imagine my surprise when I received an e-mail saying that they were on their way back and THEN receiving a package with not only my books, but a thoughtful gift from a friend who understands just how stressful the Evil K can be. After all, she works in a store in Iowa. At one time we worked in the same store, doing the same job on different shifts.

Meg is just one of the MANY incredible friends I've met through the Evil K. I know that sometimes I make the Evil K sound like an incredibly dreadful place, but when it comes right down to it, it could be worse... I could be working at Walmart where making friends at work could cost you your job because of what's called "Time Theft." But I'll save that for another post. Perhaps tomorrow night after I see the Walmart movie. At any rate, the friends that I've made during the 4+ years I've been with Evil K are well worth some of the more negative aspects of the job. There is Meg who moved to Iowa; Rachel, whose wedding I just recently attended; Theresa and Trish who are now my roommates; Rue who is just Rue... And I'm certain that there will be more as time goes on.

This weekend at the Unnamed Writer's Group meeting that I went to, this author was speaking about perspective. It is very difficult to write when we are looking at it as something that we (writers) have to do... Instead, we should look at it as something that we GET to do, because after all, we do enjoy it once we're doing it. The same thing applies to work. When work is getting to me, I should think, I get to go to work today--because even when things are stressful, I am still in the company of friends. I get to spend time with friends every day because I work with them. How many people can say that and truly mean it? I am blessed in my job, even when it seems like it is awful. I need to remind myself more often to find joy in the good things that I have.

Thanks to Meg for reminding me of one of these good things!

The song of the day

I Belong to You

everybody needs to belong somewhere
life can feel so alone without someone who cares
and when life becomes something just to get through
that's when i'm glad that i belong to you

[chorus]
i belong to you i belong to you
you're the one who will never let me down
won't let me down
i belong to you

sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone
when hope is gone and i have no strength to stand on my own
when nothing helps there's nothing that i can do
you surround me and show me i belong to you

when love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore
i'm all alone there's no one for me to live for
letting go of the things i've always clung to
that's when i need to feel that i belong to you

Superchick 2002


"and when life becomes something just to get through
that's when i'm glad that i belong to you"

This is keeping me going right now... Knowing that I belong to God is something that has given me so much strength. Five years ago there is no way I could have made it through some of the things I've gone through since I recognized this sense of belonging. Even when everyone else lets me down, I can still take comfort in God-though sometimes I have to FORCE myself to remember this fact.

Jeni's being arrested (in 3rd person) part2

I now have available a link to my bail page for credit card and debit card donations to the March of Dimes:
www.marchofdimes.com/jailandbail/jenihardie

After Wednesday, I should have a mug shot to post here, so be on the lookout!

Jeni's being arrested on Wednesday!

Okay, here's the deal. On Wednesday, November 9th, I will be "arrested" by the March of Dimes as part of their "Jail & Bail" event. I will be raising money between now and then for my "bail" which means that I essentially am attempting to collect donations for the March of Dimes to be used in their efforts to save premature babies and lower infant mortality. I know this is short notice (as it is for me) but anything you can do to help me reach my "bail" goal would be great.

The end is near...

The very important thing that I've been needing to do, step one is done. Tomorrow will be step two and it will be on its way. That's all I can say right now.

Because I know this is going to be difficult, and because I was going to do it anyway, I am planning on participating in NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month. What this means is that during the month of November, I am setting the goal of writing 150 pages in 30 days. If you want to know more about this, go to www.nanowrimo.com. Anyway, I'm hoping that this will serve as a distraction from the painful things in my life. My new roomie suggested that if I complete the task, if I make it to the 150 pages, I should celebrate with my next tattoo. We shall see about that when the time comes.

And for those of you who are praying/waiting for news on the difficult thing, I promise I will tell you more when it happens.

Who says girls shouldn't talk about baseball?

Okay, so I may not know the most about baseball, and I might generally ignore it and even display disdain for the sport, but that was before my team made the World Series. This is something that hasn't happened in my lifetime, so now it's different. I still don't agree with what pro athletes are paid, but I'm setting that aside because I want to watch the White Sox win the World Series. As a kid I wanted to go watch the White Sox play in Oakland so that I could watch my favorite team kick my least favorite team's butt. Sounds silly, especially now as I realize I'd probably get beat up for doing such a thing in Oakland, but the point is that even though I don't watch baseball all the time, I have stayed loyal to my team. And since my comments regarding the White Sox have been disallowed from certain peoples' blogs (You know who you are, Noel) I will just make this entire post here.

WAY TO GO CHICAGO! ONLY THREE MORE GAMES!

Out of respect to Mr. H:

I am not going to post another really long response to his post. I feel as though we are taking over a bit. So here's my own post continuing the conversation/going off a bit.
I have to partially disagree and say that watching tv shows like Earl and developing a "feels okay to me" complex are not the only reasons why people view Christians as closed minded and rigid. Sometimes it's because some of us ARE closed-minded and rigid. I won't deny that I occasionally have such moments, as I'm sure we all do. I would say that most Christians, at least sometimes because we are sinful, speak the truth as a weapon or a threat rather than in love, and this is why some people view Christians as closed-minded and rigid. It is one thing to tell a friend/acquaintance that you are concerned for them because of how they are living their life. It is another entirely to flat out refuse to speak to someone because of their "sexual orientation" or different beliefs other than to tell them that what they are doing is wrong and they are going to hell. I have met Christians like that and I have to say, they may be a larger part of the reason people view us as "rigid and closed-minded." Don't get me wrong... I'm not trying to condemn them because I know that there are people that I, as a Christian, have also hurt and wronged.
I suppose all I'm really trying to say is while I/we may not agree with something that someone does, I prefer to follow the addage "love the sinner, hate the sin." I want to love the people in my life regardless of what they choose to watch/wear/eat/do. That does not mean that I support them in said actions and it does not mean that I will not speak the truth to them. But it does mean that I choose to love them no matter what because that is the example God has set for us. We can speak truth to them all we want, but the final judgment is God's to make. Also, how many times have we heard that condemnation is the tool of Satan? Calling someone out or speaking truth into their lives is one thing, but condemning one another is NEVER okay. Okay, now that I've got that all out... *Sighs*
Hope ya'll are having a lovely day!

Help Wanted

I need some help of the computer-nerdery variety. I am trying to pay my student loan online. I have accessed the website before, but I think it was on my brother's computer. My mom can access the site on her computer. But on my computer for some reason it goes to the randomly selected search engine and says the page cannot be found. Any suggestions on what is causing this and how I can fix it would be greatly appreciated...

All about the apple...

Now, as much as the title sounds like it could be a post about Adam and Eve, I will quickly kill the rumor that I may be posting anything intellectually stimulating today. The real reason I am posting is because my belly is filled with an incredibly good piece of apple pie that my mother made this morning. It is made from apples that we purchased at Apple Hill yesterday. I also purchased a bottle of probably the best champagne I've tasted in my life to be used for Mrs. Salty's official send-off this weekend. I am looking forward to drinking it and perhaps eating some apples with it!
And now I am considering going to bed. I'm wondering if I'm coming down with something because I've been going to bed REALLY early (for me) for the last week, and I've been taking naps in the afternoons after work and I'm still tired. Ugh! Down with cold and flu season. Oh well, at least my bed is warm and cozy, and at least I'm enjoying it because I need the rest and not because I'm mopey and depressed! :)
Well, now that I have posted about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I will head for bed to sleep for what will most certainly be "not long enough" when I wake up.

Just so I don't forget:

I want to use this line later. Perhaps I will post the finished product.

I have watched you drift away until you were
but a speck in the distance.
I have watched you travel with other ships
but still I stay transfixed, waiting for you to return.

A fun little quizzle... Try it if you dare!

7 years ago...

How old were you? 19

What grade were you in? Sophomore in college

Where did you go to school? University of Nevada, Reno

Where did you work? Round Table Pizza

Where did you live? Reno, NV

How was your hair style? Straight, as usual, shoulder length, blonde

Did you wear braces? No

Did you wear contacts? No.

Did you wear glasses? No

Who was your best friend? I think it was either Truc-Ha or Jamie. I didn’t have a lot of friends at that awkward time early in college.

Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend? Jeremiah... Haven’t had any since after lowering my standards like that...

Who was your celebrity crush? Tom Cruise (I know, what was I thinking?)

Who was your regular-person crush? I don’t think I had one...

Were you a virgin? Yes.

How many piercings did you have? Just my ears

How many tattoos did you have? None yet...

What was your favorite band? No bands, really... Singer, probably Shania Twain

What was your biggest fear? Being alone.

Had you smoked a cigarette yet? No.

Had you gotten drunk or high yet? Drunk: a little, high: never

Had you driven yet? Nope

If so what car(s) did you use? My Chevrolegs

Which of your pets were still alive? Speedy/Turts (a turtle that we’ve had since I was seven and do not know if it’s male or female or how old it was when we got it... also, it’s name is Speedy, but we just call it Turts)

Which members of your family were not born yet? None that I can think of... We haven’t had any babies in my family for a VERY long time...

Did you know the person who sent this to you? Nope...

My Confession

You have been around for so long
Drifting in and out of my life
Like a balloon let loose on a windy day
Blowing to and fro, closer and further away.
You never seem to stand still,
Constantly floating away
Until the wind changes, bringing you back to me.
I grasp at a string I cannot reach
Trying to keep you from escaping me yet again
Only to find that you've already gone,
That in fact that you were never in my reach.
I watch the breeze toss you around
Waiting until you're close enough to grab,
Jumping higher each time you pass by,
And still missing every time.
It is time for my confession--
It is time for me to turn and let you go.
I have wasted too much precious time
Watching and waiting for you, just one balloon,
That will never be close enough
And missing all of the others
That may have been within my reach.

Who am I?

There is a topic that has been coming up again and again in my life recently and that is the topic of who I am. It has come up in my quiet times, in my book study group, even on Noel's blog just to name a few. More specifically the subject is who I am in God, as He made me to be as opposed to who I've become/tried to become because I thought I should. Right now I'm still through these things trying to figure out what parts are genuinely me and which are the parts that I added because I thought I should.

So here's how this is going to work: I am going to make a list of three qualities that are genuinely me as I was created by God and three qualities that I have come into because of how I thought I "should" be. Then I'd really like it if other people would share three of each (or just one of each) as well.

"Should be" qualities:
1. I have become someone who cannot say no. When people ask me for favors, I don't say no because I "should be" willing to help and to serve. I realize it is important to help and serve, however it is better to do a few things well rather than a lot of things poorly or unenthusiastically. This is one that God is working on with me, making small changes as needed.
2. I am not good at asking people for help/and or prayer. I've touched on this in previous blog posts and I think the reasoning behind it is that I think that I "should be" close enough to God that I should be able to come to Him alone in my weakest moment and have faith that everything will be okay. I think that I "should be" strong enough and independent and faithful enough to not need someone to go to God for me. This is one that God is also working on in me.
3. I think these all come down to pride. This third one is that I think that because I have a degree and because I'm 26 that I "should be" someplace further in my life--that I "should be" working at a better job, that I "should be" married by now, that I "should be" getting ready to have kids.

Who I am:
1. I am a writer. No matter where I work, no matter how unhappy I am with it, none of it is important. God did not create me to make copies--He just provided me with the job that I might be able to pay the bills. No matter how much I dislike work, I can take comfort in knowing that I am a writer.
2. I am a hard worker. When I make commitments, I do my best to make sure I follow through. Even the things I don't enjoy, that I wish I didn't have to do (making copies), I put my all into.
3. I am a fast learner. I am frequently capable of picking things up without much in the way of explanation. Unless of course it's sewing and then I cause small explosions.

Now it's your turn!

No pressure or anything...

One wedding down, two more to go before the end of the year. On Friday I attended the wedding of a friend that I used to work with. It took place just outside of Genoa at Wally's Hot Springs. The wedding itself was not really worth the drive, but of course the fact that I got to see my friend get married was worth it.
The next wedding will be in two weeks, and that one is here in town. This is the one that I've been pretty much immersed in, being that I just recently moved into the house of the bride and have been pretty good friends with her for the last year or so. (Plus there's the fact that Ms. BBoss is the co-Maid of Honor) I think this one will be a lot of fun, though I'll be sad to see her go.
The last wedding of the year will be in December. Actually, it will really be a brief private ceremony in San Diego (which I will not be at being that it's private) followed by a travelling reception. The reception will consist of two weeks of events starting in SD, moving up the coast, and then into Reno. There will be a couple of events in Reno, then the travelling reception will end in Carson City on New Year's Eve with a Masquerade Ball. This is the wedding my suitemate from the dorms, and long time friend. I am of course, also looking forward to this one.
I just found out about the December wedding today, when my friend T and I talked on the phone for the first time in quite a while. It was expected, but still very exciting news. But that would not be the end of the "expected but exciting" news category. The next one, though expected, was still a bit of a shock because I've been waiting for so long. At long last, my baby brother proposed to his girlfriend of five years. My mom was incredibly excited and wanted to call everyone that she knows... Except she doesn't know that many people. Now, here's where the title of the post comes in. After my mom settles down, she turns and looks at me and says, "You're next!" The funny thing is, I'm actually probably the LEAST likely person in my family to be next because pretty much everyone else is at least seeing someone. My mom is a funny woman sometimes.

Warm little ball

Ever feel like curling up in a warm little ball in the corner of your bed and hanging there until the mood passes?
Ever feel like you're floating around all alone, stopping to chat with people you've known, yet still lost among the masses?
Ever feel like your heart, having been broken too many times, might just give up, give in, and forget to beat again?
Ever feel like you're living your life in a dream, stumbling through unfamiliar places, trying to escape the pain?
Ever feel like your life has amounted to nothing, that you'll leave this cold and empty world without making your mark?
Ever feel like you're trying to find yourself in the middle of the night, and wind up even more lost and crying in the dark?

I just want to curl up in a little warm ball and start all over tomorrow. I feel like my blog has been like a melo-drama lately, so perhaps it's time for another round of "The Good Things in Life" brought to you by the letter Q and the number pi.
This time we're shooting for ten good things in Jeni's life that Jeni is grateful for.

1. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my roommates individually since I moved in.
2. I have a happy little sandwich ready for my lunch tomorrow.
3. I finally found out what my raise at work is going to be: a little over 4%
4. I have been enjoying my q.t.'s with God (not that I usually don't...)
5. My roommate who's been out of town will be back tomorrow.
6. My dad taught me how to change my PCV valve and air filter this weekend (quiet! I know the air filter's easy, but I'd never done it before...)
7. (Argh! This is hard right now) I am now eating 3 meals a day.
8. I have cooked several times in the last week (and I had the privelige of cooking for friends.)
9. I got to spend time with a couple of friends whom I don't see nearly enough of.
10. I have felt very loved and cared for by the people around me. Thanks to all who contributed to that feeling!

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day

Every year for my birthday, I get e-mails from friends reminding me that my birthday is also a very important holiday: Talk Like a Pirate Day. In honor of this great holiday, I am posting a link so that everyone can enjoy Talk Like a Pirate Day with me.

Guess what time it is?

Happy
Birthday
Scoey-D!!!

Caught Unaware

Thanks to all who have given me encouragement recently. I finally realized what exactly it is that's going on, and it isn't pretty. Last week at small group leaders' training, we talked about areas in our lives where we were being attacked because Satan doesn't like what we are doing. I hadn't really experienced anything yet last Sunday, and I was expecting it to be physical for myself as well as my family/friends because that is what other people had shared. Had I really thought about it, it should have been obvious to me that the easiest way that Satan could attack me would be to get me depressed. Once it seems like everyone is angry with me, or that I'm just plain dumb or not making sense, and I start believing it, then everything else shuts down. My eating habits turn to crap, I don't write, I don't clean, I don't exercise. Pretty much, I don't do anything except to sleep, cry and complain about my life (in this case, on my blog). I knew that I was starting to get depressed all week, but I didn't recognize it as what it was--an attack. I just chalked it up to me being stupid (as I have a habit of doing). I placed all of the blame on myself and that is just what Satan wanted. Last night I broke down, and this morning the only reason I showed up to church at all is because I had a commitment to be there during first service, just in case any babies showed up. I was trying to avoid talking to anyone, but God knew that was the last thing I needed right then, and I am grateful for that. Thank you to all of you who encouraged me this morning, for hugs and prayers, for friendly smiles and kind words. Thank you for knowing that something's wrong even when I say it's not, and thank you for loving me enough to ask again. Thank you to God, for loving me, imperfect and easily deceived as I am.

I am an @**

Okay, yeah. So, I am a jerk. I don't know when to shut up and I run my mouth off totally causing other people to lose their enjoyment in blogging. I don't want to stop blogging because I really enjoy hearing people opinions about important (and not so important stuff) but I feel like EVERYTHING I've said for the last week has turned horribly wrong. I say things in a way that doesn't make sense, or I say things that don't really need to be said, and I'm just completely an idiot about the whole thing. So anyone who might be reading this tonight who was involved in the whole mess, I'm sorry. I apologize for being an a** and going off. Please forgive me for being selfish in wanting to defend my "honor" or whatever you want to call it and forgive me for being so hasty in responding to something that was not meant the way it sounded. I really don't know what else to say. I feel terrible. I really messed up and I love you all and pray that you can forgive me (please).

Peace out for now,
Jeni

The funny thing about Molly-hair

Intro: Molly is a Jack Russell Terrier who lives in the house where I'm currently residing. She is the pet of the soon-to-be "Smug Married" who owns the house.

A recent scientific breakthrough has found that there are many uncommon uses for Molly-hair. Due to it's incredible staying power, it has been found to make an incredible sofa cover. Tired of staring at the same old bland brown couch? Say no more. With Molly-hair you can change the color of the sofa to white with just one shake of a dog's head. While Molly-hair is only available in white, it could easily be spray-painted a soothing shade of lilac or even a horrific shade of day-glo orange.
And that's not all? Are you a man who's suffering from premature balding? Are you afraid to get a toupee because you fear it will fall off? Fear no more. Just one package of Molly-hair and a box of hair dye and you'll have the full head of hair you've been wanting without the fear of being discovered. Thanks to the incredible adhesive power of Molly-hair, even a vacuum cleaner will not pull the hair from your head. No need to fear toupees in windstorms anymore. With Molly-hair fear is a thing of the past. Get your Molly-hair today.

A downer sort of day

After a long day at work, and a quick dinner at my parents' house, I went to chill with BBoss for a little while. As a result of our conversation, I am now thoroughly depressed. Okay, perhaps that is a bit of an exaggeration. But not necessarily entirely. It kind of sucks when someone tells you that something you've spent 20% of your life chasing after is never going to happen, no matter how right they are. It also sucks to see someone you care about struggling with something but have no way to help except to sit and listen and pray. On days like today, though my brain knows better, my heart feels let down by God. Perhaps this is the sort of thing I shouldn't say, shouldn't put down in writing, but it is real and at least putting it out there is better than leaving it buried inside of me, waiting for it to go bad inside of me, spreading all sorts of bitterness. I don't want it to be this way. I will pray that I will not let Satan convince me that the bad things that are happening are in some way God's doing, some sort of punishment for my inconsistent level of faith. I will pray that I would find the strength and faith to believe that God will take the pain away, both physical and emotional. I will pray that He will either change my job or change my heart about my job. I will pray that I will be led away from unrealistic hopes and dreams. I will pray that my friends and I will have the discipline to better manage our finances. And when it seems like there is nothing left to do, I will pray.

Why I am defective:

I could just blame it on the cold of doom that has been lingering all week. But it's so much more fun to write a poem about why one's brain may be broken. Enjoy.
Please don't take it too seriously!

Disclaimer: This poem is incredibly sappy and sentimental.

Disconnected

The words coming out of my mouth
my heart, just don’t seem to make sense anymore.
I once could write my feelings so well
that even one with different feelings would feel the same
but right now everything is confused.
The connection between my fingers and my brain
has been disconnected, torn out by some careless tenant
in the region of my heart--tearing out
whatever hopes and dreams got in the way, removing
all of his loose ends, taking away the pieces of life
he’d deposited in me and leaving me alone
with severed cords dangling around me,
eerie reminders of what has been taken away--
not just him, but the very last drop of hope
that someone might love me someday.

Musings on Love/Attraction

In today's post, I will be listing the qualities that it seems that men look for in women. It will be divided into the ones I have, and the ones I don't have (Just the top 3 of each).

Strikes against me:
1. I am not what would be considered "hot." Specifically when a man talks about a "hot chick," I would not fall into this category. (I do not say this to be self-deprecating. I would not deny the possibility of being considered pretty, beautiful, cute, etc because these are about an individuals perception. Hot, however seems to fall more into a societal perception. I'm not really sure that I would even want to be considered "hot" because that would be about what's on the outside, and I don't want somebody like that desiring me.)

2. I will not be considered the lesser partner in a relationship. It is my belief that a marriage is a partnership between two equals, neither greater than the other. I also believe that there is evidence in the Bible to support this position, which will be for a later post. The point is, finding a man who doesn't think the woman is supposed to stay home and take care of the kids and cook and clean and leave the important decisions to him alone, is challenging to say the least. Even men my age seem to frequently believe that women should not teach men, should live to obey men, etc. I will not have my voice silenced.

3. I am too eager to show what I know. I've heard occasionally (even from men) that this is somewhat intimidating. I rarely pass up an opportunity to make "intelligent" conversation. I've heard from some men that they like to be the "smart one" in the relationship, so if it appears that a woman might more than him, he will ignore her. I am not going to play dumb to protect some guy's ego.

What I do have:

1. I have a desire to make things better for people who do not have it well.

2. I am fiercely loyal to those who decide to call me their friend/family/whatever.

3. I am incredibly open--anything you want to know about me, I will be more than happy to tell you. (I suppose this could also be considered a strike...)

Let's hear it from the guys about what qualities in a woman are important (aside from being hot) and from the women about what important qualities we do have.

Yesterday's Post Part 1

I am reposting the first half of my post from yesterday because I decided that it needed to be separate. So, here goes:

This morning in church, I was revisited by one of my favorite stories from the book of Mark. There was a point during the service when it was mentioned that in order for God to fill us we need to believe that it will happen. When it comes to the signs of being filled with the Holy Spirit, I sometimes struggle with believing that such things would happen. My human, wanna-be logical brain tries telling me that such things are not possible even though my heart knows they are. And this is where I find myself going back to Mark 9:24 when the father of a boy who is demon possessed asks Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief. I find myself doing this a lot. When I come against things that are difficult to believe without experiencing or seeing them, I find myself praying for help with this unbelief, because though my heart believes, I still find myself in a state of unbelief.
A couple of years ago I wrote a song about this subject. (Keep in mind that I cannot play music and therefore the music is only stored in my head.)

Unbeliever's Prayer

My soul has felt your hope
My eyes have seen your joy
My mind knows of your peace
And my ears have heard of your love

But still I find myself
Questioning you again
My heart reaches out
My mind has no doubt
Still I'm wondering how
Things will ever change
And I ask you today
Help me with my unbelief

Your hands have touched my life
Your arms have held me close
Your voice has spoken truth
And your heart for me is loving

(Repeat Chorus)

Help me. My doubts are taking control
Help me. My fears are taking hold
(Repeat)

Sorry, for all of you who have already read this... I just thought that being that it was a different issue entirely that it should have its own post.

Fighting my Gifts

On the subject of spiritual gifts: I have taken the happy spiritual gifts test at probably 7-8 times in the last three or four years, and there are a couple of areas that I consistently score high in that I have a hard time with, and they are always in the top 3, tied for highest score...
#1 Celibacy: Now, this is a tough one. The description given by the evaluation is "The gift of Celibacy is the divine enablement to some members of the Body of Christ to remain single and enjoy it; to be unmarried and not suffer from sexual temptations." Now I have no problem believing that this definition applies to me. I do enjoy being single most of the time--I like not having to coordinate my daily schedule with someone elses. The problems I have with this are that first, I love kids and I'd like to have some someday--but I'm not really interested in doing what I need to do to get there, if you know what I mean. (I feel that this is highly abnormal... I won't even try to make sense of that...) Second, I really do want to experience loving someone so much that I want to spend every day with them for the rest of my life AND have him/her return the feeling... Not necessarily a spouse, just a permanent earthly companion... I want to spend my life with my best friend in a sense and bring up children with him. Any thoughts on this?
#2 Evangelism: Now this one, I really do not understand. How could I possibly be blessed with the gift of evangelism. I am too timid to start conversations with people I don't know. I do not speak well in front of people in large groups, and I've never led anyone to Christ. The only logical solutions I can think of (with the help of a couple of you...) are that a) I enjoy WRITING in a way that promotes Jesus and make him real to people and b) I have no hesitation to share my faith with people I know--or people I don't really know who start a conversation with me. I'm just not good at being the initiator with new people. At any rate, how is it that this one ALWAYS comes up?

These are my thoughts for today. If you have made it this far, you are braver than most.

Just posting to say:

Happy



Birthday



Becky!!!

One time too many

The evil K has messed me over one time too many. I am very upset with my manager right now-- There is an assistant manager leaving at work, transferring to Carson, actually, and my manager had encouraged me to apply for the position and I had openly expressed my interest. I've been waiting for the position to be posted, but now it seems that they gave the position to someone else without posting it or interviewing for it. I wouldn't really care had it not been for the fact that my manager ENCOURAGED ME to apply for it. I am actually downright angry about the whole thing. I want to leave there. I've been praying for something else to come up for a couple of years now, and still I'm there. I just want to move up, because if I'm going to be stuck there, I might as well start advancing myself, right? I really don't know what to do right now-- I can't ever seem to be able to find something new, but I'm not going anywhere in the Evil K either. Please pray for me to find clarity in this situation.

A very unusual day

I must say, that's what yesterday was. It was the first time that I actually SAT THROUGH both services at church. I mean, I've been there during both enough times, but usually I am doing something during one of them, so I've never been able to compare the difference. Also, I've never had the experience of hearing the same talk twice, causing it to sink in even more. This will be important later.
After church, I went to Ferntucky to visit my oldest bro & his wife. Only one of my nieces and nephews was there, which was VERY pleasant because the others, while I love them, are not terribly well behaved. My oldest sister called to talk to us, crying because now that she's in Atlanta she misses us and isn't getting along very well with the guy she moved there for--but she doesn't want to leave because her son, my nephew (who's 19) is doing well there and really enjoying it. Between the family, we spent an hour and a half on the phone with her, trying to calm her down. There were many bad jokes made and some disagreements about politics which one of the guests (not a family member) turned into a childish display of name-calling.
The ride home was probably the strangest thing that happened the whole time... The discussion of the political disagreement led into a discussion about faith and it gave me an opportunity to share with my parents. They asked me a lot of questions about what different things meant, and how I interpreted them and how I knew they were true and I discussed with them some of my experiences with faith. It was incredible. Opportunities like this don't come up with my parents very frequently. When I talk about church, they usually change the subject, but this time, it was them who kept the conversation going and I kept talking about it as long as they were willing to hear, which ended up being all the way home.
After that, I had another interesting thing happen which I don't want to elaborate on right now, but I will probably talk to some of you about it later.
And that was my Sunday.

By popular demand:

Okay, so I really had only one request to post some more writing here, but I am going to do it anyway. This poem is LOOSELY based on the person I was four years ago, when some of you first met me. While it is slightly exaggerated, it reflects the reality of who I was then. You can make your own assessment of how it compares to who I am now.

Shattering Divinity

She had everyone fooled

Known to the world as blushing innocence
she carried her Bible with her everywhere--
except on Saturday nights.
Those nights she was everything wild:
Painted on cherry red smile
pitch black eyelashes that go on for days
slinking around the smoke-filled room
in a dress so small her sister's doll could wear it
stopping every now and then
to toss back another shot of Cuervo Gold
drinking until the world around her
started spinning like a tilt-a-whirl
and blackness engulfed her.

Sunday morning
Despite her hangover,
she sat in the front row in church
and thanked God for another Saturday.

Are you happy now, denden? You requested some writing, and there it is. (It's a couple years old, but for now, it will have to do...)

New places

I'm almost completely moved, though not yet settled. I guess now it's okay to stop and break down. Life has been exhausting recently, helping BBoss with the bridal shower, packing, moving, working lots of overtime. I am run down, and somewhat let down. Aside from BBoss, my closest friends really contributed nothing to helping me move, even when I asked for help. On the brighter side, I think the move will work out to be a positive thing. I really don't have much to say right now. I'm kind of tired, and still have a lot to do, so I think I'll just call it a night...

Calling all Pickups

I'm just wondering if anyone who reads this has a pickup truck and some time to help me on either Saturday or Sunday afternoon. The person who was going to come over with her pickup has had a change of plans, and now I am in search of replacement pickup. Please reply here if you can help me or if you have any ideas for me, or if you just want to make fun of me. On the more positive side, because of Becky's help yesterday, I now have a large majority of my stuff packed. Except the books... That's going to take at least 20 boxes, but at least they're easy to pack... I can't wait for the move to be done so that I can start getting settled.

Expressing the Stress... What a mess...

Howdy! I'm still here, still alive, still trying to figure out how to pack everything to move by next weekend. Ergh! So, here's how things are looking right now. Today, I worked an 11 hour day with no lunch. What a way to start the week! Don't get me wrong--Normally I am incredibly grateful for overtime. I love to have the extra money to put toward bills and such, but this week is not the best week to have to put in a lot of extra hours. I am moving this weekend. I have only packed four boxes. My clothes from my closet are on the floor because the rod in my closet broke. (WHY?!) I am helping (or at least trying to help) Becky with a bridal shower for a friend of ours. The shower is taking place on Friday, which means I will accomplish NO packing or moving on that day. I suppose all I can do is pray that the rest of the week goes by more smoothly than today, and that I will remember to ask for help at work and at home instead of trying to take care of everything on my own. Becky is going to help me with the packing. I am incredibly grateful for that. If anyone needs me for anything before that, you can find me buried under a mountain of books and clothes, trying to dig myself out, surviving by eating the pages of a Nicolas Sparks book that I was going to throw away or burn anyway. At least a Nicolas Sparks novel is good for something...

Taking Care of Myself (or not)

Over the last week, I have had it brought to my attention by THREE people that I do not take care of myself, nor do I allow myself to be taken care of by others. I already mentioned in a previous post my propensity to keep things to myself, to hide the things that I don't want other people to see. I try to sweep my humanity under the rug. I don't want people to see that I am just as human as they are, and that I have needs and desires just like everyone else. Everywhere else that is not this blog, I keep these things to myself. I aim to convince everyone (including myself) that everything is alright here, and therefore I do not allow anyone to take care of me, nor do I take care of myself. It's almost like I think that if I keep denying that I need help, I will not need help. By ignoring the situations in my life altogether, perhaps they will go away. But they are not going to go away or fix themselves. I can pray all I want for answers, but if I don't follow the guidance when it comes, nothing will change. I know that I can't do everything alone, but I alone can start the movement. I need to take responsibility for asking for help when I need it and for taking the first step in the right direction. Right now it's more like I'm standing in one place, looking at where I need to go and expecting God to beam me there, like I'm a character in Star Trek or something.
"Beam me up, Snotty!"

And now for an important message from:

Okay, so it's probably not really important, but I figured I may as well update, seeing as how I'm requesting others to do the same. So, here's the scoop. Lots of stuff going on. I am supposed to be packing right now, and I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing (Yes, I know, it's very difficult to pack and type at the same time.) I am very excited about the move, though and it seems so close now. Three months ago, I thought I'd never make it. Now I feel like I will never finish packing, seeing how all I've packed so far is two boxes of books.
In other news, my manager at work asked me if I intend to apply for the soon to be open assistant manager of production position. It is both tempting and intimidating. I have been praying for help in the financial department, and should I get the position, it would mean an extra 4,000 dollars a year, which would definitely help pay off those pesky credit cards. But it is a swing shift position. I hate getting up at 5:30 am, but I like having EVERY evening free to do what I wish. But I really write, and function in general, better at night. While I was on vacation, I stayed up until about 2am and woke up at 10 in the morning. That is my ideal sleep schedule. But my family and friends mostly work during the day, so I'd really have to fit them ALL in on my days off. But my days off would be Friday and Saturday, which would be VERY good days off. Ugh, such a dilemma: what to do, what to do. I suppose if I apply for it, if God really doesn't want me there, I won't get it. We'll see.
Today I am going golfing. Please use this thought as a great piece of entertainment value. Need a laugh? Just think about me golfing. And don't forget to have a great day!

My own personal mission

This morning at church, I received a great amount of reassuring, a great encouragement. I am the kind of person who frequently thinks that what I am doing is not good enough. Even if it is the thing I was called to do. People talk about the missions they are going on, the places they're going, the people they're reaching, and I frequently think that I am less because I am not going places to try to reach people. When people talk about the places they are going, I forget that I was called to stay. I really wanted to go, and I got a clear response that I should stay indefinitely. Here's how that happened:
In 2003, I went to Intervarsity's mission conference at Urbana, because even though I was no longer associated with Intervarsity having graduated the previous spring, I was at a prime point in my life. A mission trip would have been ideal to make me feel like I was doing something after I graduated. I was hoping to find an internship, a mission, a project, anything that would prove that I was useful to God's kingdom. I went looking for some way to serve people--I really did want to serve people, but I really also wanted to FEEL like I was doing something, to see the fruit of what I was doing. Throughout the conference, I really didn't find anything that matched my passions, and I had a lingering sense that God wanted me to stay in Reno. Then I talked myself into believing that God wouldn't want that, and that it was just my fear holding me back. I kept telling myself that if I didn't go someplace and serve people in another place, then I couldn't possibly be a good Christian. Then, on the second to last night of the conference, there was a drama performance that made it all clear to me. The basis of the performance was the man in Mark who was possessed by "the legion." When Jesus cast the demons out, the man begged Jesus to let him come with him. Jesus told him no-- He told the man to stay: "Stay, and tell your friends and family what I've done for you." I felt chills. I fell to my knees. And I knew that my personal mission is to stay, and tell my friends and family what He's done for me.
It was good to be reminded that "Go" means just "in everything we do" as opposed to a LITERAL "go." It would be easy for me tell people I don't know about the ways I've changed... It's much harder to stay and show the change to the people who have known me since before Jesus was in my life. My mission may not be the one that I choose, but it is the one I'm called to none the less, and I should be doing it to the best of my ability, even on days when it seems that it is not nearly exciting enough. My opportunities to share with my mother have grown EXPONENTIALLY over the last few years. I still have yet to convince her to return to church, either with me, or to her old church, but there are some days when it seems she might be right on the edge, particularly now, after she just lost her grandmother, who raised her, and last year she lost her mother, whom she'd hardly known at all. She is starting to grow (slowly) more open-minded, more forgiving. I know that there will be a time, perhaps soon, perhaps not as soon as I'd like, when it will be time to go, but for now, I will continue to stay.

Putting off Packing

I'm here, making a post, though I really have nothing to say, because I am trying to avoid packing. I despise packing. I like moving--carrying boxes and furniture (yes, it's sick isn't it) and being in a new place--change is great. But packing... well, that's another story. Packing and I, we just don't get along. I always intend to start early, and as the time draws nearer and nearer, I find myself less and less motivated to pack. I'm supposed to start moving my stuff in a little over two weeks, and I've done nothing, except to get rid of 3 bags of clothes. When there is no pressure, I lack the motivation to get rid of the things I don't want to move--to sort through the mess I've made during this phase of my life--after all, a mess is almost inevitable with me. I've been watching a lot of home improvement television lately (even though I don't have my own home to improve) and I frequently find myself VERY attached to the idea of participating in the show "Clean Sweep." Someone objective helps you go through your things and helps you decide what to keep and what not to. Even if I got nothing else out of it, no new room, no new furniture, it would still be worth it for someone else to look at my stuff and say "WHAT DO YOU NEED ALL OF THIS CRAP FOR?" I need someone who can help me discern what is CRAP that is just weighing me down. So right now, I'm just here, making this post, because it is much easier than trying to figure out what I need to eliminate. Hmmmm... Where to begin...

Fighting against the negative.

Okay, so now that that's over with... Here are some more things that I can be happy for:

1. My replacement pig antenna balls should be coming soon. (My old one was stolen... This time I ordered a back-up) I ordered them last week with the money I made doing an apartment mystery shop.
2. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap today.
3. My mom is making me dinner tomorrow, so I don't have to cook or buy food.
4. Unnamed Writers' Group is meeting again this month, on Saturday.
5. We are having an ice cream social for my sister on Sunday before she leaves for Georgia. I'll get to see my family members that I don't get to see frequently enough.
6. I get paid in an hour and a half.
7. Only one more day to work this week and the person who drives me crazy doesn't work tomorrow.
8. I exchanged three e-mails today with my friend who lives in Iowa, whom I miss and rarely get to talk to.
9. I'm meeting my friends Saturday morning for our bi-weekly payday weekend breakfast.
10. I found some job postings online that actually sounded like something I would enjoy instead of something that would just be an escape... And I applied for them even though I may not be "qualified."

WOW!!! Can you believe I made it to ten? : )

Anti-Progress

Warning: This post is mostly just my mental processing.
I'm sure we all know that feeling. Like we're moving backwards--like every step we take is counteracted by two steps backward. I know that each step I take in obedience, with Jesus at my side, is a positive step, a step in the right direction, but sometimes it's like walking into a hurricane. I have been trying for five years to get my debt under control. I know I have made progress, but some days, looking at that ant hill, it seems to be Mount Everest. I know that God is supposed to be our provider, but my debt just keeps growing, or at least remaining stagnant. I have a really hard time dealing with a provision that leaves us buried in debt. Yes, I was stupid in the past. Yes, I made mistakes, and I deserve to pay for them. But how long will the interest and late fees and overlimit fees go on? Okay, so one credit card will be paid off, and there's still five left. It's good that one's paid off. I was going to pay more to other cards but I got hit by some bogus charge from a website that I signed up for something YEARS ago, and now they charged me for an "auto renew." I am fighting with them to get the charge reverse, but CONVENIENTLY they have no record of me turning off the auto-renew feature.
I know that paying back my debt is not going to happen overnight. I know in my head. My mind has no trouble wrapping itself around this concept. But my heart feels burdened by it. It is something that weighs me down. I am tired of fighting this battle. I just want to sleep.

Okay, sorry all... If anyone has made it through my mental processing, do you know anyone who's hiring part-time? I'm considering picking up a second job to help out with the debt so that it will be gone before it's time for me to go to grad school. It would be a much more productive way to spend my time than sitting at home moping and eating while watching far too many home improvement shows. If anyone knows anybody, let me know... Please...

So long to the old post!

So the post I had been trying to type up and post before this kept posting in an incomplete form. It was very strange, and I cannot explain the reason that it was happening, except that God wanted me to stop being so negative. It was basically about how moody I am sometimes, and the harder I try to NOT be moody, the more moody I am because I find myself failing.
Anyway, since this post is no longer about that, we are officially moving on. I am now making this post about ten five positive things that are happening in my life. (Sorry, I need to start small...)

1. As of Friday, I will have another credit card paid off. It will be a nice chip off of the debt I incurred during my pre-Christian spending binges. Only 5 more to go!
2. I am receiving an $85 check back from another credit card because apparently I overpaid... (Because when I sent the last payment, they knocked off a BUNCH of late charges...)
3. Only 25 more days until I move into my new place. I paid my last rent for the apartment to my brother last week!
4. Blue Like Jazz is a much more entertaining book than God's Politics, while still having topics for us to discuss in our Bible/book study.
5. My friends are so loving and patient, even when I'm cranky/whiny/moody.

Does not play well with others

This was the message my mother found on all of my report cards as a child. I always told her that it wasn't that I didn't like the other kids, it was that they didn't like me. I always blamed them. But year after year, the same me returned to school, and every year I was marked as the kid who did not play well with others. My backpacks were stolen, my lunch torn apart, my hair pulled, my shins kicked, and on and on. I had crying fits. I cried in class and hid under my desk, trying to avoid being noticed. I cried on the playground alone by the fence as far back from the other kids as I could get, and the teachers always came, wondering what sort of unauthorize activities I might be engaging in by the fence, and forced me to go back to the other kids, actively tried to find someone who would play jumprope or tetherball with me. I am perfectly aware now that hiding under my desk and wandering off alone only drew more attention to me, bringing further ridicule. My entire elementary school (and middle school for that matter) career was spent trying not to be noticed, which usually ended up drawing more attention to me and caused me more problems. When I was made fun of for wearing a patch, I could have developed as a class clown had I made it into a joke, but instead I cried, and everyone knew me as the girl who cried over EVERYTHING. It became a game to see how easy it was to make me cry. In sixth grade I was even sent to an afterschool program for children who had "emotional trouble."
Okay, so one might wonder Hmmm... Where is Jeni going with this random narration about her "troubled" childhood. And now I will tell you:
I have realized that in some ways I am still that child who did not play well with others. I still get "bullied" because I don't speak up for myself, I don't appeal to God, and I don't really do anything at all except cry about how crappy my life is or how I'm not good at anything. I cry when someone has hurt me or ignored me, but I don't say anything. I just sit over on the side, crying. Instead of hiding beneath my desk, I hide beneath this blog--It is painfully obvious what is going on underneath, but I think that people won't notice. When people come to ask me what's going on, what's the matter, I lie and say everything's fine and I'm forced to go back to the playground, to the world and hope that no one will notice I've been crying because it makes me look weak, it makes me prey to the bullies and the men and women in my life who think of me as more childish because I cry. If I had been bold enough to ask the people on the playground to let me play with them, if I was bold enough now to ask for prayer for the areas I struggle in, I wouldn't find myself in the corner, trying not to let anyone see me cry. I would be inside, taking care of the things that needed to be taken care of, crying if I needed to, but not because I thought nobody cared. I do not play well with others because I spend my life running away from them, hiding from them.
Nothing made this more clear than a conversation at church this morning. B-Boss and I were talking with Scoey, and he said something along the lines of
I know Jeni can't stop talking when she's around the people she's close to, but the rest of us don't really know much about her. The blogs are nice because they let us know what is going on in her life. That moment was more convicting to me than anything during the service. I do not play well with others because I'm too busy hiding under my desk crying, hiding under my blog where no one SEES me, they just hear my cries. Gulp--where do I begin to remedy this mess? How do I start being open and honest in person with people I've been hiding from for years?

Moving on...

Last night, my great-grandmother, who turned one hundred 2 months ago, passed away. It is very strange--I just mentioned three days ago in my post that she wasn't really living, and now she's physically not. I don't really know how to feel. I'm not really mourning, because I know that it was her time, yet I feel like there is something not right about that. But the way her life was, I cannot say that I wish she was still living on. Perhaps this poem I wrote a few weeks ago will better express what I'm trying to say:

After a Hundred Years

Her heart continues beating, her lungs still take in breath
but after a hundred years practice, it is programmed,
like a machine, she knows no reason.
She cannot hear "I love you," can't see our smiles, our tears.
She feels not lonely, nor joyful, nor sad--she knows no emotion but fear
as each day she awakes in a new place, though she's never left.
She no longer remembers names or faces.
She's forgotten where she's from, and where she's been--
Even her husband and son are but a distant memory,
long gone from this life, and from her mind.
She sits in her wheelchair, alone all day and thinks nothing
of the absence of those who could come visit, for she cannot remember
even when they are there, holding her hand,
stroking her once golden hair, which has grown pale, after a hundred years.
No shadow of color remains, no glints of sunshine bounce off the surface,
only deathly white strands, absorbing the life around her.

And now for something a bit more cheerful:

Sorry for the depressing nature of my last couple of posts. I've been in kind of a funk this week. I think it was a case of I-don't-want-to-work-tinitis. That whole vacation thing, spending a week doing the thing I'd love to spend my life doing (and I don't mean sleeping, though that would also be tempting ; ) spoiled me and the return to work jerked me back to reality where people have to work jobs that they don't like in order to pay the bills.
Right now, I am taking a break from an incredibly sad attempt at drawing a lion. After I sketched out an idea for my next tattoo, my roommate asked me to draw something for her to add to a tattoo she already has, which is the symbol for her astrological sign. She wants to add to it with a sun theme, but doesn't know SPECIFICALLY what she wants--she wants me to come up with that concept, see what I get. She is a "Leo" in terms of astrology (which she isn't really into, so the whole thing doesn't really make sense) so I am attempting to draw a lion which would incorporate the symbol. After that, I was going to attempt to have the lion's mane going outward and turn into flames around its head, like the sun. My attempts at drawing this are really rather comical. I'm not saying this in a "woe is me, I cannot draw sort of way" because I really don't care that I can't draw and I'm VERY entertained by what I have come up with. I'm not bad, but a realistic lion is far beyond my skill level. But I WILL persevere. Even if the lion doesn't look perfect, at least the idea will be clear. Perhaps when I have access to a scanner, I will post a picture so that you might be entertained, too. I wouldn't want to keep all of the giggling to myself...
And that is the end of this post that has no deeper meaning, no distraught questions or longings, just my rambling about how utterly entertaining things are when I attempt to draw.

Still struggling with self-doubt

Self-doubt is an ongoing battle for me. I have had people tell me that by doubting myself, I am doubting God because I'm saying that something he created is not good. I also frequently hear the messages of how we don't measure up to God's standards and only by his grace are we saved. I have no trouble accepting the second statement. In fact, I am EXCEEDINGLY aware of the ways I do not live up to God's standard. I keep pressing forward, trying to improve myself, but I keep backsliding, falling into habits that God does not love. I constantly find myself worrying what other people think of me, and sometimes, being the imperfect person that I am, I let that have more control over me than what God thinks of me.
Case in point: Sometimes, when people don't say more than an occasional hello to me, I think that it is a sign that they a) don't like me or b) are mad at me. I do not, however, attempt to talk to them. I let my fear of being rejected, ignored, turned away, keep me from developing relationships. Yes, I am aware of it, and yes, I do TRY to push through it, but some people intimidate me more than others. I am almost 26--there is no reason for me to be afraid of the bullies on the playground anymore. However, I constantly find myself analyzing, trying to find a reason why such-and-such doesn't talk to me. Maybe (s)he just doesn't like me. Or maybe (s)he thinks I'm a bad person. I bet that's it. But if that's it, isn't it his/her duty as a fellow Christian to let me know what it is I'm doing that is bad/unhealthy/offensive so that I might be able to improve myself. Oh shoot. I bet it's because I talk too much. Or maybe (s)he thinks that my stance on (important religious issue) is not Biblical. I wish people would just tell me what I'm doing wrong, why they aren't talking to me. Being criticized would be better than being ignored. And all the while, I am ignoring said people, in some senses intentionally avoiding them because when it comes to whether or not people like me, sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Has anyone else had such a bitter struggle with self doubt, and if so, any advice on how I can make my next step in conquering. I know it's a long process, and I've been dealing with it for a while, but I feel that I have reached a standstill, a plateau, that I am stagnant.

Sobering

Lots of things going on in my family and in the families of people I know and care about. Many of these things are not so happy, hence the title of my post. Here's some of the things that make me feel really selfish for complaining about the things I do, and realize that I am INCREDIBLY fortunate.

-My younger half-sister was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She is a single mother of three children, and has not told them yet. She wants to wait until she finds out how far along it is and what treatment the doctors are going to pursue.
-My older half-sister is moving to Georgia because her fiancee is struggling with a custody battle with his son. He was granted custody of his son in his divorce, but his ex-wife took him to court to keep him from being able to bring his son to Reno. In a court that favors mother's rights, he was told that if he wanted to keep custody, he would have to stay in Georgia so that his ex-wife could have easy access to her son for visitation. It makes me sad for the kid to have to be involved in such a battle.
-My great-grandmother turned 100 this year--she no longer knows who any of us are, she can't hear, can't see well, but she's still breathing and eating on her own.
-I have a friend whose father has been fighting lung cancer for over 2 years. Her mother is also unwell and not expected to live much longer. Her father was recently put into hospice care, and as of this weekend, the doctors are only giving him about 2 more weeks.

Please be praying with me on these situations.

A call to action

Today, the book study I attend, led by Becky, http://crinolinepagesinb.blogspot.com, finished up our reading of God's Politics. We've been struggling to get into it for months, and finally decided it best to read the last chapter and call it done. I'm glad that we didn't skip the last chapter, because I personally found it the most insightful and the most challenging. I would like to share a passage that I found particularly convicting:

"...he began to open up to us about how a workplace conflict had left him without a job and eventually homeless.
We all noticed that Matthew always carried around a large cardboard box, which he would carefully set down next to him. Exactly what was in that box? After the last night of class, Matthew came with us to a Call to Renewal organizing meeting at the Divinity School. Afterward, as we were in the refectory for refreshments, I looked over and saw that Matthew had opened his box and placed its contents on one of the tables. People gathered around to view a beautifully crafted model of a church made from white cardboard. All along the outer walls of the steepled church were the words of the prophets and the sayings of Jesus, beautifully written in Matthew's own hand--almost like caligraphy. Over the front door, Christ's words appeared, 'Come to me, all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' Right beneath the words was a door, closed shut with a little padlock. The message was clear.
Matthew told me how he made his church and protected it from the elements. He smiled and said, 'Sometimes, people like the church so much they offer to keep it in their apartment for me, so it doesn't get damaged.' With a twinkle in his eye, he added, 'But they don't make the same offer to me. Only to my church.'"
God's Politics-Jim Wallis
Chapter 21 pg. 357

Really, one can take from this story whatever he/she wants, but I am convicted. I am reminded of an idea I had, a plan I made in an effort to serve those who Jesus refers to as "the least of these." The idea was based on the notion of Christmas. In college, I attempted to write an argument against the use of the term X-mas for the holiday celebrated on December 25th. I was strongly opposed to it because in my words, "We're not celebrating the birth of X!" My roommate reminded me that not all people who celebrate this holiday on December 25th, are celebrating the birth of Christ. They are honoring the day as a cultural holiday as it has been made, rather than a religious holiday... Many people don't even make the connection. But it was not right... It wasn't fair that America could just hijack the holiday, take it away from Jesus. But as I began to research for the paper I wanted to write, I made a discovery that may seem obvious to some. The early Christians (Acts, etc.) did not have a holiday set aside for the celebration of the birth of Christ. They did not need such a holiday. They celebrated the birth of Christ every day. I decided at that time that modern Christians should strive to be more like this. That we should be celebrating Christmas EVERY DAY. I wanted to figure out a way to start a non-profit organization with this principle as its foundation. I had grand ideas in which each day the Christmas Every Day Foundation would perform some service to an underpriveliged group--a different service for a different group EVERY DAY. I still think it's a good idea, and I want to do something with it... but I don't. I let it sit stagnant, hoping that someone else will start the ball rolling so that I can just hop aboard. I say I want to make a difference, I have the words of the prophets and Jesus written all over me, but when will I start letting people in?

Weeeee.... Or: How I spent my summer vacation.

In case anyone was wondering, or would like to know, this is the progress made on my vacation:
Page count: 50
Word count: 23404

I feel so accomplished right now. I can go to bed and feel good about myself, knowing that I accomplished something that was important to me. Now, to keep the momentum going. That will be the tougher part.

A goal almost reached

Page count: 44
Word count: 20799

Taking a short break from writing to make this post. My creative juices are not functioning terribly well right now. I'm feeling somewhat stifled by the fact that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I keep worrying about what sort of mess it's going to be when I get there, and it's kind of bringing me down on my writing high. But I'm pressing on. I will not let the Evil K keep me from accomplishing my goal of 50 pages. I have let that place control my life for two long. The most important thing in my life right now, aside from God of course, is my writing, and I cannot let the Evil K pull me away from it again. Please be praying that I would have the discipline to keep writing after I go back to work, even on crappy days. God has gifted me with a passion for writing, and I do not want to continue to squander it as I was doing before. It is my dream to be a writer, but in order for that to be possible, I need to write.

I just might make it after all

Current page count: 33
Current word count: 15,204

I think it's time for a break...

My mission should I choose to accept it.

So, I have been on vacation all this week, and I am really enjoying it. However, that is not to say that I took a vacation so I could sit around and be lazy and not work, which is pretty much what I did on Monday and Tuesday. But in reality, even though I wasn't going anywhere, I decided to take my vacation so that I could spend time writing more extensively than I do when I am working. So yesterday, I set myself out on that task. Total pages completed yesterday: 10. So my goal is to write 10 pages everyday until I go back to work. That way, when I go back to work, I will have 50 pages, which will be a very good start.
This is not an easy task, in any way. It seems like it should be fairly easy to write about one's own life, but when you are writing about what you've lost--even the happy parts are sad. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess that what I'm trying to say is, it's very difficult to write about some of the happiest times of my life because right now it seems like I won't ever be that happy again. I know that this all sounds very depressing, and in some ways it is, but I can't see any other way to move past it. I've been praying about the whole thing for several years, but I can't seem to be able to let it go, so I'm trying something new. If I write about it, I will be dumping it all out--every bit of it, even the things that nobody else never knew--and maybe then, once it's out, I'll be able to let it go. It's worth a try, and that is what I'm doing.
I know that this sounds rather vague and enigmatic at the moment, but I'm still trudging through it, trying to figure out what pain is real, and what is created.

Growing more restless by the day

I only have a little over a month before I move into my friend's house... I will be living with 2 people from work when the entire situation is finalized. I will still be living with people who are not Christians, however, people who live like they are or could be. In addition, we have VERY similar interests. We all write, and have interests in artistic things. I wish that the time would go by faster, but I know that I need to be patient. It's not that I don't like my roommates now (my brother and his girlfriend) but it's like living with a married couple. My brother has gotten kinder and more considerate, and even more friendly since I decided that I was moving out, but his girlfriend, who I used to get along with really well, has started completely shutting me out. She makes plans as though I've already moved out and she seems to just pretty much ignore my existence all together. I'm sure it's nothing personal, she's just so ready to be married that there's not room for another person there. I don't mean to make it sound like I love her any less than I did before, because I don't. I just need to move on, and I've been ready for a while, but the lease doesn't end until the end of August and I JUST WANT TO MOVE. Okay, no particular reason for all of this information except that I need to express this.

Ponderings on Harry Potter

Today is the release of the sixt Harry Potter book, and my friends and I are going to the midnight party to pick up our books. Because of the timeliness of it, I thought it might be a good topic of conversation for the day.
Now, I know some people will not agree with me on this particular matter and that is fine. I just want to throw it out there.
I have, for my entire life as a Christian (5 years), heard people demonize the Harry Potter series. I've even heard it referred to by some as "Satan's work." However, the same Christians enjoy the Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings series, both of which also touch on topics of witchcraft, magic, and mythical creatures. I have not read the Lord of the Rings series, though I have read The Hobbit so I am basing my information on that on the movies and the word of other people I know who have read the series. At any rate, what I want to know is, why is it acceptable for children to read books about magic and such as long as they were written by a Christian. The children will not be able to tell the difference. They don't know what an allegory is, and if they are old enough to know that, or have someone explain it to them, then they are also old enough to have someone explain to them that Harry Potter is not reality, that witchcraft is not Biblical, just as parents would have to explain about the Narnia and LOTR series.
I have personally been able to use things in Harry Potter to connect to people and explain to them Biblical things that they may not grasp any other way. I enjoy reading the books as an adult, and my faith in God is not in any way affected by reading them. I am taking my niece, who is 13, to the party, and I have no qualms about it because I know that her faith is also strong. I would say, if one has a history of being involved in witchcraft, and may be tempted to go back to it because of reading these books, then they probably shouldn't. If it is something that they struggle with, if they know it will cause them to sin, then they should avoid reading these books. But personally, I have no struggle in that area. I have never in my life believed in any other God, even before I was actually a Christian. Let's be honest, I have my own things that I need to stay away from. Most of the time I avoid romantic comedies because I know that doing so will cause me to fantasize about a life that is not mine. In the same way, people who struggle with their loyalty to God, like to dapple in other beliefs, or have previously been involved in witchcraft, would be safe to stay away. But it is up to us as individuals to listen to God and hear Him tell us what areas we have problems in. It is up to us to assess what things in our lives are drawing us away from God, and for me, Harry Potter is not one of them. I am tired of being ridiculed (obviously not by anyone here, or I might not be saying this) by Christians who think that their interpretation is the only one and everyone else should follow. Unless it says specifically in the Bible, "Thou shalt not read Harry Potter" then everything beyond that is a matter of interpretation and should be prayerfully considered by each of us individually.

P.S. I think a blog is an amazing thing. I would be too afraid to bring this up with most people face to face. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of a sissy and don't generally initiate face to face conversations unless I am INCREDIBLY comfortable with you. I am working on this.

P.S.S. Sorry to anyone who already tried to comment. That was an accident!

This is an old one, a little bit more refined...

This was originally a letter to my only two boyfriends (almost 7 years ago) who tried to take from me what I would not give. I'll just leave the explanation at that.


Unblemished

I have been chosen by hand by the
one who made me. Like a perfectly
ripened plum, I have been set aside.

You will never know the flavor
of my plump and juicy
strawberry lips. You will not know
the scent of my golden honey hair.
I shall remain pure as the rainwater--
clean and untouched
by your stumbling hands, while my
sins are wiped away by His perfect love.

He has gently caressed
my bruises and scars that were left
when your impatient branches
tried to penetrate my
skin. But you could not succeed
because He has selected me
as one whose sweetness
will never be known, whose apricot
flesh will never be tasted.

Calling for Rain

Okay, this is really bad, but what can you expect from a poem that was written in three minutes?


A hundred and three degrees outside
And inside nothing but pain
The weatherman says there's no sign
Of this pattern breaking today--
I want to break down, keep crying
But God's still waiting for me to pray
For relief from this internal burning,
It may be hot outside but I'm calling for rain.