Pictures as Promised!

So, after quite a delay, I finally have pictures from my brother's wedding, and so I thought I would share a few since I promised I would. So here goes:





Becca and I










The Bridesmaids











Mi Familia









David (the Best Man) and myself








Russ and the Ladies (Apparently my bro is quite popular!)







The Happy Couple at Last!

The Garden

This post is kind of a response to a comment on my recent post entitled "Friendship Revisited". I said that I was feeling it necessary to proceed in this friendship with caution, and I received a comment that I needed to be willing to take risks. I have also have several conversations since then with others during which I expressed a desire to not talk to this particular friend. Nobody seems to quite understand where I am coming from, and I really don't know how to explain it. And then I came across something in the book I've been reading that expresses my feelings perfectly--much better than I could have done on my own. The book is called Revelations of a Single Woman. And in one chapter, the author explains a relationship/friendship much like my own in which her desires are completely different than those of the man involved. And here is the letter that she wrote in response to him when he questioned her for pulling away:

Okay Simon. Please let me explain something. You are right when you sense that I am "pulling back," but I'd like to take a minute to explain. See, Simon, a woman's heart is a lot like a garden. There are, in the garden, public areas. This is where almost anyone can traverse (read: decent colleagues, the kind checker at the grocery store, the rare person on the subway who gives up his or her seat, neighbors who want to borrow a tool, parents of friends, little kids in the park, etc.) Then there is the center of her garden. It's a special place, reserved ultimately for the person who wants to commit to "husband her garden permanently," so to speak. (I know you're into etymology, Simon. I guess you know that the word husband is actually an agricultural term.)
Anyhow, the tricky part, of course, is that there's this in-between place, somewhere between the inner sanctum and the outer ring, and that's where this all gets confusing. Basically, Simon, the folks I let into this more fluid in-between part are some key family members, longtime girlfriends, a few guys I consider brothers, my boss who I know cares for me, and guys who are interested in exploring the idea of entering into that inner sanctum. The problem, Simon, is that once a guy whom I like--and Simon, I have felt chemistry between us--decides he's not particularly interested in long term inner-sanctum husbandry, I can't let him wander all around the middle ground anymore. If I do, then he inevitably crosses lines he doesn't know he's crossing, and I inevitable try to pull him into the center. He can't figure out why I'm all upset (because, afterall, he was honest about his lack of intentions), and I keep hoping I'm going to change him. That, Simon, is a recipe for disaster.
So, brother Simon, that's the scoop. I hope this helps. I do care about you, and I want you in my public areas, so to speak. But in light of everything you've said, for now, that's all I can invite.


Don't get me wrong... This is not to say that I'm giving up entirely. However, this is to say that at this point, all I am prepared to do is sit back and wait, come what may. I am tired of the tug-of-war and now that I know where things stand, I am no longer trying to pull someone into my inner garden who doesn't want to be there, and I am hoping to meet someone, new or old, who is interested in going there...

Where I Reside

I have lived with a very odd collection of people over the last few years. Since permanently moving out of my parents' house, I have had some very interesting roommates. There was the drifting Christian who asked me to lie to her parents if they asked if she was sleeping with her boyfriend. There was the guy who spent 10-14 hours a day on the computer doing whatever it is that gamers do, and only once or twice emerging from his bedroom to share a meal with the rest of us. There was the legalistic Christian who gave away her bed so that she could know the suffering of people without, but then ended up sleeping on the futon in the living room most nights. She was also the the one who tried using the "Daniel Fast" as a long-term diet and claimed to have a wheat allergy, but would eat an entire box of crackers in one sitting. There was a very peaceful time when it was just my brother, his girlfriend (now wife) and I--despite the conflicts in beliefs and lifestyles, that was the easiest living situation up to that point. And the current was a little better than that. Here, I have lived with people who all work at the Evil K. We allow ourselves one small segment of Evil K ranting per week, and after that, all talk turns to other subjects. Some of the bigger challenges here have been the dishes (which are always piling up), ruined cookware (teflon flakes in mac & cheese... Yummy...), the insanely expensive utilities (which don't fully benefit me because the gas heat and A/C do not cover the back part of the house), the mice, ants and spiders (I don't like crawly things), and the fact that our street does not get plowed when it snows and my car does not handle snow well. There has also been the fact that my cat has to stay in the back because the two cats in the house don't get along. I just feel bad that he doesn't ever get to hang in the front where the heat and A/C are.

The point of all of this is that all of these battles are about to end. No more washing dishes that have already been "washed", no more mice, no more freezing/melting, no more driving/sliding to work in the snow. As long as I'm approved, I will be moving into my own apartment, by myself, on January 12. My cat will have free reign over the place and any dishes left in the sink will be mine. And I will pay half as much for utilities that will actually heat/cool my room! Oh yeah, and I'll be able to walk to work rain, snow or shine! This will be a very good way to start the new year...

Friendship Revisited.

I just had a conversation with a friend whom I haven't spoken to, as friends, for over a year. I got what I was waiting for from this friend at long last, though not necessarily what I wanted. I am grateful to have this friendship back because of the timing--because I've been praying for a friend who would be available to me when I get off work. I am grateful to have back the things that I missed, the easy and comfortable conversations, the way we understand one another, and so on. I am also glad to have an added layer in this friendship, being a layer of openness that wasn't there before, which is what I wanted most of all. At the same time, I am aware that I need to be cautious. Please pray that I will continue to let Jesus alone be my source of joy and that I would not allow myself to depend on others for this.

Wishing You

A HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!

When Not to Trust

I have been told by numerous people in my life, but most frequently by my mother, that I am too trusting and too forgiving. On one occasion, a friend forgot to show up for my birthday dinner. I was upset, but I forgave the friend. To this day, my mom still holds a grudge against that person. I used to ignore her because I thought that there is no such thing as being TOO trusting or TOO forgiving. And yet, everytime I choose to forgive and forget, I end up being let down repeatedly by that person. I know forgiving is a good thing, as is trusting, and I still deny that it's possible to be TOO forgiving. But I'm starting to wonder about the TOO trusting. If someone tells me that they are going to do something, than I usually take that person at his/her word. But more times than not, I end up being disappointed. On the less important end of the spectrum, I don't go see a movie that I really want to see because person a says she wants to go see it with me, and then I end up missing it. Or I don't bring lunch to work because person b says that he's going to bring me something. Those obviously aren't that big of issues. But if I can't trust people to do the small things that they said they would do, how can I possibly trust them on the big things. It's one thing to call and say "hey, I can't make it after all." I'm perfectly fine with that. But to just blow it off altogether, just makes me mad. It makes me not want to be around the people who don't keep their word and never apologize for the broken promise or forgetting the plans. So at what point is it okay to be skeptical of what others tell us? Should we continue to trust them when they've given us no reason to?

To Tell or Not To Tell...

The recent crises at work have left me feeling rather contemplative. My novel has not been going well because of the time spent at work, but I don't resent this because I need to be there during this. I have a co-worker who is experiencing some things that I've experienced in the past, which is the cause of the contemplative mood. The contemplative mood got me wondering why I was having such a hard time with the story that I'm trying to write. And I thought I felt a nudge that this is not the story I need to be telling right now. That I need to go back to one that I've already started and failed to finish. I need to finish writing MY story. The one about how I reached where I am right now. The one I was still too involved in to write a year ago. The one I'm not sure I want to finish.
What's that? Why would I not want to finish it? But the problem is, if I finish it, I have to do something with it. And if I do something with it, I have to tell my parents a lot of things that they don't know that I'm not sure how they will take it. And yet I feel a nudge back toward this project. It is the time. Now that I'm more secure in myself. Now that I know people who need to read it.
Which brings me back to work. As I said, I have a co-worker who is experiencing some things that I experience in the past. And I know that Jesus is the only one who can fix these problems. I don't even know yet if this co-worker will be returning to work, but I'm afraid for that time. I was talking to my only Christian co-worker about this and he told me that maybe that's what I'm still at the Evil K for. This terrifies me. Right in the middle of the time when I'm trying to escape, right when it seemed it was time to leave, and all of a sudden there appears to be a reason for me to be there. I mean, I know that there's always purpose, but this is a big thing. It almost feels too big for me to handle if this co-worker comes back to work. I don't know how to do it. I know that I don't have to worry about it because God will take care of the timing and give me direction, but that doesn't stop me from worrying, even though I know that worrying does no good. At any any rate, I know that this all sounds like a crazy, jumbled mess in this context, but if I talk to you in person, I'll be sure to explain...

Over and out!

How Far I've Come

Today something happened at work that made me realize once again/even more so, how far I've come in the six years that Jesus has been in my life. I can't really be very specific in this forum, but I feel extremely blessed when I think about how much has changed, even in the last year. Here's a brief list of a few of them, just to get them out there, and because I want God to be glorified through them:

1. Last year, after I actually sought to find healing for some things in my past at the recommendation of a good friend (you know who you are), the anniversary of the events in question came and went without me actually realizing it. Since that time, it has become more of a story of victory for me, rather than another reason to beat myself up.

2. Last year, after I made the decision that I'd like to lead a small group was also the time when I actually began tithing regularly from every paycheck. When I made that choice, I had SIX credit cards that still needed to be paid off (see Aug. 3, 2005 post) and I had been struggling to pay some of them off for over FIVE years. Now, just over a year later, I will only have ONE credit card left to pay off as of this Friday.

3. Sometime last fall, because of something that someone *cough*scoey*cough* said, I recognized that I was very reclusive at church--that I tended to just hang out in a corner waiting for someone to come and talk to me, rather than actually going out and making the effort to talk the them. In the last year, I have been told that I've become somewhat of a social butterfly. Hmmm, amazing, isn't it?

These are just a few key examples of WONDERFUL things God has done in my life in the last year or so. Perhaps I will add more in a couple of weeks in honor of Thanksgiving.

P.S. To anyone who's wondering about the novel word count, I will have to update that after I get a bit more caught up. We are currently in crisis mode at work, and so I will have to catch up this weekend.

Checking in

Even if nobody is reading this, I'm checking in with my progress, anyway because I'm hoping that if I stop, someone will kick my butt back into gear. So here it is:

Current word count: 5,262
Where I should be: 5,100
Current page count: 13 1/4
Words to go: 44,738

Keepin' it moving!

Current word count: 3,474
Current page count: almost nine
Words to go: 46,526

That is all. I will resume in the morning.

That's what the weekend is for!

Current word count: 1826
Where I should be: 3400

The good news is, today is my Friday, and the weekend is a GREAT time to catch up my word count! :)

Returning to Me

Fall is never a very good time for me. I always struggle emotionally FAR more than I do the rest of the year. There are many reasons for this, most/all of which have been discussed on this blog at some point or another. And every fall I start a project in an attempt to return to myself. Every November since 2002, I have entered the "National Novel Writing Month" competition with the goal of writing 50,000 words in 30 days. I have not yet completed this. In fact, I think the most I've completed toward this goal in any year was about 13,000 words. I would like this year to be the year that I actually finish it. I'm hoping that writing about that journey here will help me to actually follow through on it and get it done. So, starting tonight at midnight, I need to write 1,667 words per day in order to make it to 50,000 by the end of the month. I know that I can do this, I just need a kick in the butt every once in while.

Home at last!

2:30 am. Just got home from work. Time for bed. Must print resume and cover letters in a.m. Must escape Evil K. End Transmission.

Working at home

This is a short long post with a simple request. Please pray that I would find a new job. And if you know or hear of anything that sounds like it would be good for me, please let me know.
Now, for the venting part. If you're not in the mood to read venting, don't read any further.
I just got home from work (1:30am) after starting at 1:45pm and I had to bring stuff home with me from work so that I could be home now. I still have about 1.5-2 hours worth of stuff to do, but at least I can watch Law and Order while I do it. The kicker is that we have a meeting at 8am that is mandatory. And one of the people I work with also brought home a box with her. She started work at 3pm. The person whose fault it is that we have to do all of this started at 3pm, but was 10 minutes late because he was playing pool with friends-- and he left at 11:05pm. He's scheduled to work until 11:00, so we can't MAKE him stay, and he didn't ask if he could leave, but he left anyway. The reason why we're having to fix it is because he rushed through it so that he wouldn't be late getting off. I'm tired of talking to him about the same crap over and over again with no change.

Please please please please pray that God would open a door for me to leave the Evil K if it is His will, and if it's not that He would give me the strength to endure it without wanting to physically harm myself. (Punching walls, and the like...) I cannot do this alone. If it is His will that I stay where I am, then I need to find some Christian friends who work similar schedules to keep myself from being isolated all week.

Ever feel like God is taunting you?

I know that this is not a good thing to think, yet I've found myself there all week. I went back to work on Sunday after my two week vacation, and it was a decent day, but I REALLY didn't want to be there. On Monday, the same old crap started all over again. The customers for whom I did more than we are expected to do turned around and got pissy claiming that we didn't do enough. The team member on my shift who hates to work (although apparently it's only when I'm there) continued to give the same old pushback and whining because he wanted to go home early. I still have not heard anything about the job for which I interviewed. This is when the God taunting me thoughts started. I keep wondering why He would let my hopes be raised by the interview if nothing was going to come of it. This is the first real interview I've been called for since I graduated despite applying for hundreds of jobs in the last three years.
I KNOW THAT THIS IS A LIE!!! I AM AWARE THAT GOD IS NOT TAUNTING ME, SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY!!!
But the feeling returned this evening for a while. This time it was brought on by something else... As most of you know, I've been praying for a while that I would be able to pay off my credit card debt, acquired in my younger and less intelligent days. I've been gradually chipping away at them little by little as I can, and yes--I have paid off five in the last year and a half BUT the two I still have left are BIG (at least for me). So tonight, I went out with my parents to the restaurant at Rail City. We sat down and my parents got their keno tickets ready. I thought about playing, debated it in my head, and decided that since I had gone to a movie today, I had already spent my entertainment money for the day. I have a set of eight numbers that have been my keno numbers since I was about ten when my parents used to let my brother and I pick numbers and play our tickets for us. Those are my numbers because the first time I picked them, my parents won a hundred dollars, which meant that I got ten dollars, which is a big deal to a ten year old. At any rate, the first game after my parents tickets were in, ALL EIGHT of my numbers appeared. After I had just talked myself out of playing. And I couldn't help thinking, once again, that God was taunting me. I mean after years of praying for relief from my debt, and praying right now for a way to be able to move to my own place by the end of the year--a way to pay for all of the deposits and starting fees associated with moving--and here if I had just played like I usually do, without expectations, just for the fun of it, I would have had all of that and more. I felt for a moment like I'm always watching the blessings fly around me, hitting other people, but always passing me by.
ONCE AGAIN... I AM AWARE THAT THIS WAS A LIE!
I know that there are many blessings in my life. I have always been blessed with good health as has my immediate family. I am blessed to have the experience of learning from the mistakes I've made with money at an early age. I am blessed to have single friends my age so that I don't have to feel like a fifth wheel when I go out. I am blessed to have parents who can help me in times of need--physically and emotionally. I am blessed with a job that I do not have to fear losing. I am blessed to have the ability to catch onto new things quickly which makes me an asset anywhere I work. I know that these are the things I should remember. I know that I should be grateful for always having enough, that nothing bad has really happened in my life. But knowing it and doing it are two different things.
This is me trying to DO the just BE thing. That's a bit of a contradiction, isn't it?

Kissing the Blarney Stone

That's one thing that my brother and his new wife have no intention of doing while they are in Ireland for their honeymoon. Their flight left at 6:00 this morning.
At any rate, the wedding went very well. Unfortunately there were very few attractive single guys there, and the ones who were there are related to me. Ha ha ha... But seriously--the ceremony was beautiful, the food was great and now MY BABY BROTHER IS MARRIED! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There were many crazy & entertaining things happening before, during and after the wedding. Here's a short list:
1. On Sunday night, the guys at the bachelor party called us during the bachelorette party numerous times, begging us to come join their party--so the bachelorette party went on the road and joined the bachelor party.
2. On Monday, during the wedding rehearsal, their was a woman in the rose garden picking the roses despite the signs that say "Do not pick the roses." Becca's mom politely asked her to stop. Later we saw her picking the roses again, and Becca's mom ended up calling the police and getting into an argument with the woman. Fortunately, Becca's cousins kept her calm enough that we didn't have to worry about the mother of the bride being sent to jail the day before the wedding.
3. On Tuesday, when we were all getting dressed, the snap on the halter strap of my dress came unsnapped twice before we even left the hotel room. Fortunately, Becca's sister is an expert with safety pins and we were therefore able to avoid a wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson proportions.
4. Becca, her sister, her cousin and I (the bride and three out of four attendants) were about five minutes late and Becca's uncles kept calling to find out where we were because he was worried about the wedding starting late. Once we arrived, we had to wait another FORTY minutes to start the wedding because Becca's mother was running late. This wouldn't have been a problem except that Becca's father was with her. It's usually difficult to begin without the father of the bride. When they finally arrived, Becca had already been getting ready to start without them and was just going to have one of her uncles walk her down the aisle. The people who were waiting apparently got so bored that some of them busted out books from their pockets, and if I had to guess, my dad probably fell asleep.
5. During the reception, I was able to strong-arm my dad into dancing with me for the father/daughter dance. YAY!
6. After the reception, we were an hour late getting cleaned up and out of the building. Ironically enough, if Becca's parents had been on time, we probably would have been out of the building on time.
7. After all was cleaned up and moved and unloaded, the best man and I were the last two to arrive downtown for the "after party" for the wedding party. Before I arrive, apparently one of the bridesmaids had been kicked out because she was TOO drunk. So they put her in a taxi and sent her home. After I arrived she started calling Becca's cousin and telling him that he had to wait for her to get back or she would do harm to him (I won't specify what...) Keep in mind that this bridesmaid is MARRIED but wants to hang out with Becca's single cousin. A little while later she called back and said that she had fallen down outside the building and chipped her tooth, so her husband had to come and pick her up. I feel really bad for her, but hopefully she'll remember not to drink so much in the future...
8. My cousin Linnea and I decided to leave the others because they wanted to go to another bar, but we were hungry and not drinking. So we went back to the Eldorado to eat and my cousin Jordan kept calling Linnea's phone about every five minutes. Every time, he would say the same thing: Where are you guys? Linnea told him we were at the Eldorado and tell him to come join us and he said okay... Then five minutes later he'd call again and the conversation would repeat itself. Jordan never showed up before I left downtown, but I stayed to make sure that Linnea got safely to her dad's car.
9. The morning after (yesterday morning...) I received a phone call from Becca's cousin Bridget saying that they couldn't find her cousin Elisa and they were wondering if she was with Jordan. They had to pack up her stuff and check her out of her hotel room because they didn't know where she was. Elisa finally turned up at about noon which was about the same time that Linnea called me to tell me that Jordan had been picked up alone sometime that morning... But apparently they were together all night until Jordan got picked up.

And that is the crazy wedding adventure... It was a lot of fun, but I am SOOOOOOO glad that it is over!

Would it change a thing?

I had my interview and computer test on Wednesday. The computer test, I believe, went pretty well. But the interview, I really can't be sure. I was nervous and I'm pretty sure it showed... I struggle so much with confidence--I'm always sure that people won't like me. I hate this about myself, and I'm pretty sure that other people can tell. I have been better about this recently--I have been reaching out to people, being myself, being sure that they will like me. But now that I find myself desperate, I have no confidence at all. Right now I feel certain that they will choose someone else--after all, how can they believe that I'm the right person for the job, if I don't believe it myself. But I don't know what to do if I don't get this job. I can't continue working for a company with no soul. Things just keep going further downhill there--I just found out that they are laying off all of the account managers, which will just leave more for the rest of us, who are already working longer than we should.
But would it even make a difference if I found something new, or would it just be a new place to be miserable? I might have time to spend with the people I care about, but would I be any happier? Or would I still be fighting this battle with my emotions that just seems to never end? The last six years have been a roller coaster--my entire walk has been an up and down ride. Sometimes I have hope, and sometimes I don't. I know that I'm better off than I was, but I still sometimes think I'm not so great. This is a horrible thing, but sometimes I wish that something bad would happen in my life, just so that this ordinary, never-changing life would seem good--so that I could appreciate what I have rather than mourning what I don't. I know that's terrible, but I don't know what to do about it.
My brother is getting married in four days and I should be happy for him, but all I can think is why is he the one who gets everything. He is the smart one; he's the attractive one; he's the talented one; he's the athletic one--and what does that leave me with. I know that it's all lies and that I shouldn't believe it. I know that I need to pray, to find comfort in God, to think positive and uplifting thoughts. I just don't understand why I keep falling back to this place.
I know this is a lot of personal, emotional and hardcore stuff to be posting on my blog--but I feel like this is my only connection to anyone who might understand. My family doesn't get it. My closest friends blow it off. This is my place to vent and be understood, so if you've read this far, thanks. Please pray for guidance, for direction, for peace and for discernment. I don't know what to do right now aside from that.

Opportunities Abound

Things have not been going well at work. This is not a surprise to anyone. I knew when I made the decision to work swing shift that it wasn't going to work. I tried to force it because of the money (always a stupid reason to make a decision) but it's just not happening. I am grateful for it anyhow because of the opportunities that I've had working on swing shift. I've made even more Evil K friends, and I've been able to attend a morning small group. Additionally, I've been propositioned by the Kit Kat Ranch, as well as several customers (always an adventure at the Evil K!). But most exciting is this: One of my co-workers is involved with the making of an independent film and because of that, I have been asked to edit their screenplay for pay. They'll pay me $100 up front and 1% of what the movie makes. Even if it makes nothing, it's still my first opportunity to be paid for doing something I enjoy.
And now, a new opportunity is arising: Next Wednesday I have a job interview and computer test at 9:00 am. The job is a M-F, 8-5 sort of job with weekends and holidays off and fully paid insurance. If I got the job, it would be a wonderful blessing. It would be something that I've been praying for and some of you have been praying for on my behalf. I am extremely nervous, not only about the interview, but about leaving a job that I've been at for 5+ years for something new. Please pray for me that the interview and computer test go well!

On showers and birthdays!

Today is day four of my five day weekend and I'm getting some rest AT LAST!
The bridal shower is done and over with. A good time was had by all, and the bride was almost in tears because she was so happy with it. This is saying a lot because the only other time I've seen her cry was when her aunt died. So, I guess all of the hard work paid off--but I'm still glad that it's done and over with. Today was a day for relaxing and doing my own thing since all of my weekends for the last month have consisted of shower planning.
The day started out at around 10:30 am. I brought some leftover food to my co-workers and then I had lunch at Boston Market. After that I went home and finished filling out a job application and then I went to get my birthday present (Tattoo #3! YAY!). I have been planning this birthday present for myself for the last year and a half, so it was very exciting to finally get it. Now I am at home waiting for Becca to call when she gets off work so I can go to the apartment for dinner. Tonight is the night that Smokey meets Soot. Soot is Russ and Becca's kitten. We're trying to get them used to each other so that I can bring Smokey over to stay the whole week while Russ and Becca are on their honeymoon.
Tomorrow is the last day of my five day weekend, but fear not, there shall be plenty more fun. I am conspiring with my dad on a birthday dinner for my mom. She is not expecting this, because we already planned birthday dinner for next weekend. Anyway, it's time for me to go rest! :)

New job prospect?

So, as many of you know, I am looking for a new job. The swing shift thing is not working at all--trying to fit everyone into Friday evenings and Saturdays means that my friends are being neglected. I never wanted to do it, but being the flippin' genius that I am, I decided to do it anyway because of the money. Yes, I know. Bad decision, worse reason. At any rate, I have been searching the job prospects and the last couple of days, I have been praying for direction as to where I should be looking and what God's will is in this situation. I have to tell you, God is a funny, funny guy. Today, I am at work, frustrated as all get out because the morning assistant manager is complaining about what we didn't do DESPITE THE FACT that we had to stay until 3am to get done what we did get done. Anyway, about halfway through my shift, I go to the counter to ring some guy up for a fax. After I've finished, he slides his business card across the counter and says, "Here's my card. Give me a call." I looked at the card and became very embarrassed.
This is where your part comes in... Guess where the guy worked. On Friday (or maybe tomorrow depending on how many of you answer) I will post the answer to where this guy worked and a related story.

Out of my hands

Jesus, I pray that you would take this whole messy work situation out of my hands. I am exhausted and cannot rationally make any decisions in regards to work. If it were up to me I would flat out quit right now. I pray that if there is a reason you still want me here, that it would be revealed to me, and if it is time to move on that you would make the search and transition quick and easy. Please help me to remain upbeat and positive despite the long hours and the added stress of having no graveyard shift to take care of all of the jobs that we don't have time to get to while we're open. Please take this burden off of my shoulders. I don't want to worry about it anymore.
~Amen

How Many Hours?

*How many hours does it take to wind down from a thirteen and a half hour shift at the Evil K? This is an experiment that I am in the middle of right now. I have been home for one hour. I tried going to bed, but I can't fall asleep yet. On the positive side, I already have 6 extra hours for the pay period, and I still have my Sunday shift left, which will be 4 1/2 to 5 hours. So, the extra ten or eleven hours will more than pay for my birthday present to myself, which ya'll will see on September 17th.
*How many hours of sleep will I get before my friend from work calls me to go to breakfast? I told said friend that I wanted to go, but will I really want to go when the time comes in the morning?
*How many hours will it take me to paint 25-30 wine glasses with grapes and vines using a stencil. Hopefully, not more than four or five, because there is much more shower preparation to do.
*How many hours are on a clock with thirteen hands?
*How many (shopping) hours left until Christmas?
*How many hours will I have to work next week before my five day weekend for my birthday?
*How many hours to practice my pirate voice?

A little bit rough, but...

Someday

Sitting here in the darkness
Surrounded by the rubble
Of what used to be my life
A shattered friendship to my left
And my dreams lie crumpled
And tossed aside to my right.
I used to know what I wanted
But somehow that changed
And I don’t seem to even
Know myself anymore.
I used to have passion
But it’s been lost along the way
I used to believe in love
But now I’m not so sure
Can’t anyone help me
Find the person I used to be--
The one who had hope
That good things really do happen
The girl who believed
Her dreams would come true
Someday

jlh

Last Week's News: Jeni=Jerk Cubed

Praise Jesus for taking care of me even when I'm being a jerk cubed!

Last week was kind of a rough week. It started with me having a migraine and sleeping through church last Sunday. Obviously not the best way to start a week. I went to work and it was fair. The rest of the week was chaos. I did not deal well with the many rude customers I encountered throughout the week. In fact, when I hung up the phone with one particularly annoying customer, I slammed it down several times, went into the back office and called the customer a nasty name using a word that I almost never use. My coworkers went into a state of shock upon hearing the word, which cannot be repeated here, come out of my mouth. (Okay, I'll be honest, I use it when I'm driving WAY more frequently than I should, but only when I'm alone.) Anyway, I'm not sure if there were more extremely rude/annoying customers than usual, or if it was just because my attitude was all wrong. To make the week even longer, I was also cat-sitting for my bro and his fiance while they were on vacation. This task required me to feed the cats in the morning and at night which means that I had to either go to their apartment on my way home from work, then go home, or just stay the night there since my cat is not NEARLY as high maintenance.
There are many other bitterness issues surrounding this situation:
1) They did not tell me until the day that they left that they were expecting me to feed the cats twice a day.
2) They were going on vacation and expecting me to take care of their stuff all the while both of my upcoming vacations ALSO involve taking care of their stuff (bridal shower, wedding, and cat-sitting during the honeymoon.) So, yeah, I'm a jerk and was being resentful of the fact that I don't really get a vacation. (Jeni+envy+resentment=jerk cubed)
3) My bro's fiance, who just graduated in May, just got a new job after only her second application--first interview. She will be making 30K+. I being the jerk cubed that I am find it necessary to compare the fact that I applied for HUNDREDS of jobs after I graduated and only got ONE interview and obviously, given the fact that I still work at the Evil K, did not get the job.
4) I have more ready for the bridal shower than they have ready for the WHOLE WEDDING. They are putting everything off until the last minute--I know it's not my problem but it's driving me crazy. Also, the fact that they haven't even mailed all of their invites yet (the wedding is Oct. 10) affects my ability to throw the shower that I want to because since they haven't gathered all of the addresses, they haven't given me all of the addresses for shower guests. I feel like I've been set up to fail...
Other contributing factors to my horrible, nasty, no good week in which I was the Attitude Princess of Nevada:
1) The migraine of doom which lasted through Tuesday.
2) The fact that I decided (stupidly) that I should spend the whole weekend working on shower stuff and take no time for myself.
3) The co-worker with whom I get along best was on vacation.

So, of course, based on my behavior, attitude, etc, throughout the week, I expected to have a crappy weekend in which I was depressed and mopey the whole time. Particularly since I had agreed to work on Friday, which is one of my two days off. But despite my bitterness, nastiness, resentfulness, just plain jerk-offery (yes I AM making up words, thank you very much) God came through. My one day weekend felt like a full weekend. Friday night, I had a couple of drinks and a really nice dinner with a couple of coworkers/friends. Saturday, I got a LOT done for the shower, spent time with my parents and spent the rest of the night waiting for my friends to call me back so that we could hang out. But they never did. I was disappointed at first, but then I realized that I really NEEDED that time for myself because I hadn't taken any in over a week. But God knew what I needed and made sure that I got it.
I went back to work today refreshed and encouraged. Worship this morning was so uplifting after the week I'd had and the message rang all too true for me. I was totally convicted of complaining too much. I was bitter about being asked to work on Friday, but afterward I felt blessed because I knew that God has a purpose for it, on top of which, my eight hours of overtime this pay period are truly a gift because God knows that I need it right now. I really do sometimes behave in a way that says "God, what you've given me is JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH." And really, He always gives me just what I NEED--I just can't see it because it's not always what I WANT.
So, the moral of the story is, once again, despite my desire to wallow in the mud of my life, God came and pulled me out and cleaned me up, even knowing that He'll probably have to do it again before long.

This is just a start... I need to finish.

I read something tonight that inspired me to write a song. It kind of has a double meaning.

P.S. It's not finished. In fact it's not even revised yet. It's just kind of a whim...

I Still Love You

When the hurt of this world
Is too much to bear
When it seems like there’s
No one out there who cares

When your life is heading somewhere
Different than it should be
When you think you’re alone,
Just remember there’s still me

Chorus:
I still love you
In the darkness of the night
I still love you
When you’re trembling with fright
I still love you
When your world has turned to gray
I still love you
No matter what you say

Just a little whining--Don't say I didn't warn you...

I arrived home this morning (I've been staying the night at my bro's apartment on alternating nights because I'm cat-sitting) to discover a note on the chalkboard indicating that the mice in our house have returned... Actually it pronounces "we have mice" as though it were a new thing, despite the fact that my food cabinet was obliterated by the mice back in February or March... However, apparently now they are taking it seriously and laying down a proclamation that the kitchen needs to stay clean because we have mice. I have a better idea: How about if the kitchen stays clean because it's gross to have week old hotdogs festering on the stove? I doubt that even the mice would go for that food...
Each week that passes and I am still living in that house, I find myself with a greater desire/need to move. I may not be the neatest person in the world, but when it comes to the kitchen, I am super-anal, and I cannot deal with piles of dishes building up for a week at a time in the sink. I almost never eat food at home that involves dishes. I eat cereal for breakfast--dry from a ziploc baggie. For lunch, I sometimes eat microwavable foods, if not, then I make myself a sandwich or something from the stash that I keep at work, which also serves as dinner. I need a clean kitchen in order to eat in a healthy manner. Oh yeah, and a little bit of room in the refrigerator for healthy foods would also help...
Anyway, the point is: I NEED TO MOVE
Here are the reasons:
1. The kitchen situation as detailed above.
2. One of my roommates likes to lock my cat in my (upstairs) extremely hot bedroom so that she can leave the hall door open. Since I got mad at her about doing that, she started locking him in the fairly cool back bedroom, leaving him there with no access to his food/water/litter.
3. My cat does not get along with the other cat in the house (Spooky is kind of a pissy cat) and since some roommates have issues with closing doors, this is sometimes a problem...
4. I would like to live within walking distance of work before the snowy/icy season starts again. (I wonder what it would be like to drive only once or twice a week)
5. My friend who owns the house will be moving back at some point within the next year, at which point I would have to move out anyway...

Here's what I need to do so I can move:
1. Pay off my three remaining credit cards.
2. Pray A LOT
3. Save enough money for first/last month, deposit (and pet deposit), utility deposits, and general moving expenses.
4. Pray some more.
5. Get rid of a lot of my junk.
6. Pray until it happens.

So I suppose, if you've read this post, the point is please pray for me in my living situation, both present and future! : )

I never really listened before...

Easy Silence - Dixie Chicks

When the calls and conversations * Accidents and accusations * Messages and misperceptions *
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving * Burning fumes of gasoline * And everyone is running * And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades * Are warning us to back away * They form commissions trying to find * The next one they can crucify

And anger plays on every station * Answers only make more questions * I need something to believe in * Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon * Watching war made us immune * And I've got all the world to lose * But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The easy silence that you make for me * It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me * And the peaceful quiet you create for me * And the way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay for me * The way you keep the world at bay

Okay, so I know that most of ya'll aren't country fans, but this song kind of hit me as something that I needed today. I've had the CD for months, but I usually skip over this particular song, because I hadn't really listened to it. Needless to say, I won't be skipping over it anymore.
Anyway, it really was a rather trying week at work. Last week, we had two people quit, which brought us down to 12 people to run the whole store. To put this into perspective, the downtown center does about 40K more than us per month, on average, they bring in LESS controllable PROFIT, and they have 22 people to run their store. On an average day by 10am they have more people working at the same time than we have on our ENTIRE payroll. Anyhow, the fact that we are now down FIVE people caused us to have to move our graveyard people to days so that we have enough people to actually function. While this means that all of the jobs that normally got done at night, now have to be done during the day. Amazingly enough, we have been able to get it all done, even though we're starting to pick up business again. (Summer is the slow season.) On top of all of this, we had an audit today, which did not go as well as we would have liked, AND I continue to have major attitude problems coming from a couple of team members on my shift. On Monday, we are planning on writing one of them up, which I suspect will make next week even LESS pleasant than this week. UGH.
Anyway, with all of that on my mind, I get in the car to come home today, on my Friday, and I put on the CD. And I just let it go from the beginning. This song is the second song, and once it got to the chorus, I started to think about the "easy silence" that Jesus has for me. Even after the crappiest week at work, I still have His easy silence to turn to, to fall into, to soak up. I always have a whole weekend to relax and escape all the "calls and conversations," "accidents and accusations," and "messages and misperceptions." I was also reminded of the way Jesus "keeps the world at bay" for me. Even though I may feel close to breaking down sometimes, I always know that he is not giving me more than I can handle--that he is there to shield me from all that I cannot handle.
Thank you, Jesus for your easy silence.

For the Crazy Runner Types...

No, seriously--this post really only applies to the crazy runner types. I was just wondering if anybody here would be interested in participating in an 8.5 mile run at Apple Hill on November 5. The website for said run is here: Apple Hill Harvest Run . I'm thinking this would be a good distance for me to shoot for by November. For all the rest of ya'll, this would be like a walk in the park! ;)
Have a great week, whether you're running or not!

"Three Deadly Ds of Destruction"

I am currently going through a book called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. The second chapter discusses the "Three Deadly Ds of Destruction." These Ds are:
*Distraction
*Discouragement
*Doubt
Basically, this section of the chapter discusses how distraction--being focused on your life situations rather than God--leads to discouragement which leads to doubt. The author includes a good quote of her own attitude during a period of time, that pretty accurately reflects this doubt:
"How can I know you're real if you won't answer one little prayer? I'm desperate, but you're silent. I'm angry, but you don't seem to care."
Some situations in particular where I find myself struggling with this attitude:
*My finances-I often hear that this is the one area that God wants us to test Him in. I've been testing Him for a year and frequently resent that it leaves me less money that could be going towards the debts that I foolishly acquired in college. Most of the time I feel buried under these debts and feel like God is punishing me for my stupidity earlier. I want Him to give me a quick fix because of my obedience rather than being patient.
*My future career-I took a step of obedience at the end of college when I changed my major from education to English the semester before I graduated. God had been working that change in me for two years before I actually took the step. I was afraid. The degree in education would have been a clear path--it's obvious where one's life goes after that--a degree in education obviously leads into a career in teaching. The degree in English left my future wide open for God to do as He wished in my life. I didn't want to make the change because at least as a teacher I would have seemed important. It was a major pride issue. But God promised He had plans for me. I'm still waiting for those plans, and sometimes it makes me angry with God.
*My love life (or lack thereof)-As mentioned many times on this blog, I thought I knew what God had for me. I'm still not sure it's not true. But I want to know for sure. I'm tired of waiting day after day to see if this will be the day that God answers my prayers about my future family. What I had always planned for my life was shot long ago. I always thought I'd be married by 25, have my first kid at 28. I'm two years past the marriage plan and therefore unlikely to meet the childbirth goal. Every week at church, I watch the happy families and wish that I could be part of something like that--to have a family of my own. On Saturday at Hope and Healing, L talked about how she needed to stop wanting what everyone else had before she could get what her heart desired. This is kind of where I'm at right now.
I know this all sounds terribly negative, but it's really not--because the positive side of this is coming now. Chapter two of this book goes on to discuss how we want to plan our own lives when we don't get what we want:
"We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce one, we set out to write our own.
'I need to know,' we tell ourselves."
This is what I have done in the past, and in some ways continue to do. But God has other things in mind.
"'No,' God says, 'you need to trust.'"
This is where the positive comes in. Though I have areas where I sometimes find myself doubting God, I am aware that some great things have come from TRUSTING God in these areas.
*Finances-Though it seems like a never-ending battle, it's not as bad as it seems. Yes, I still have a lot of debt, but in the last year and a half, I have paid off four credit cards as well as another outstanding debt. Being obedient to God has helped me to be obedient in making these payments also and in spending less on myself so that I can pay things off.
*Career-Though working at Kinko's does not SOUND terribly important, it has been fulfilling none-the-less. I am now making as much, if not more than I would be making as a teacher, and I guarantee that I'm happier than I would have been teaching middle school students. I really prefer small children and have no idea why I chose secondary education to begin with. I have made SO many friends at Kinko's that I wouldn't know if I'd had my way--three roommates as well as four women with whom I regularly hang out with on the weekends--and I have MANY opportunities to share my beliefs and life experiences with them. I have been blessed with the opportunity to give them a new view of Christians.
*Non-existant love life-Though I am still waiting for what God has for me, I do know what love feels like, and I would not give that up even if it meant leaving behind the pain that remains. Also, God has used this period of waiting and struggling and desiring to strengthen me. At 19 I tried to kill myself because the boyfriend I didn't even like broke up with me. Now, I have experienced real love, unreturned. I have waited for years for any response--negative or positive--from God, any response from him, and none has come. Yet I still want to live. I still can find happiness despite having my heart broken time and time again by this situation. I know that my journey in this area is not complete, but I know that God has made me new. God has given me strength to survive what I could never have lived through alone.
Really, this chapter reminded me, that despite my occasional doubts, God is still working in my life. It helped me to recognize the areas where I frequently have to battle negativity, but also to recognize where God has been working in these areas, even though sometimes it may not seem that way. How has God blessed you in areas that you sometimes think He's neglecting?

Old Wounds Made New

I've been struggling again... The dreams that haunt my sleep. The sights and sights that haunt my waking time. He is in them all. My heart will not release those memories. It's easy enough to force them out when I'm awake, but how do I control what happens when I'm asleep. I've tried thinking about other things, reading, writing and of course praying before I go to bed, but none of these things change what I dream about when I'm asleep.
On top of that, there was another hurt on this subject inflicted by a friend. This is not what she intended, I know--but none the less, it hurt. Why would she think she needed to tell me that he called her last night, randomly--out of nowhere. She says she has no clue why. I'm sure that it's because he's lonely after his most recent hurt--and I hurt knowing that he's hurting. I'm sure that he misses the friends he left behind and the advice and sense of well-being that they offered him. But why did I need to know about this. Why couldn't she have kept this to herself? Because now a question is running through my head that I don't like. Did he ask about me? Does he still care? Does he miss me, too? I don't know if I'd like the answers to all of these questions that have suddenly piled up on top of all the hurt I already had on this subject. Because I miss him. I miss his face. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his hugs--more comforting than the hugs of anyone else I know. I miss his bad jokes and his company late at night. I could go on forever listing the things that I miss about him, but that will get me nowhere.
Every time I seem to be moving forward, suddenly I slide back again. I cannot see where God is taking me and I feel like I'm losing faith because I've been stuck in this nightmare for so long. I need one of two things--I need God to give me peace in this situation--to take away the dreams and help me to be content; OR I need someone to confirm that what I feel like God is telling me is either reality or something I made up in my head. I want to run away from my life. I want to go someplace new so that there won't be sights and sounds that remind me of him. I want to stay up all night, night after night, so that I won't see him in my dreams. I want someone to sweep me off my feet so that might fall in love again.
Jesus, please, heal my heart. Take away the loneliness and help me find contentedness.

Monochromatic Life

Blue days go marching on
Sky overhead and shadowed ground
Cobalt buildings left and right
And legs of denim walking 'round

Forever living midnights past
When no ocean was too wide
To separate two royal-blooded friends
Whose fragile, robins' egg souls were tied

Electric dreams surge through my sleep
Of his cerulean eyes, so clear and smart
And navy veins still work non-stop
Pumping blood through this steel blue heart

Stolen from Shontell's blog:

I AM: Flippin' short I WANT: To marry the man God has for me... Anytime now... I WILL: Run a half marathon next year. I HAVE: WAY too many shoes. I WISH: I could tell if God has really told me this or if I'm just making it up... I HATE: Bad grammar. It makes me cringe. And being late. I MISS: Having someone to hang out with late at night. I HEAR: Music... Even when there's none playing. I WONDER: How long I will have to wait. I AM NOT: As disciplined as I wish I was. I ALWAYS: Call my mom when I get home. It's a simple thing, but it makes her happy. I LAUGH: At jokes that nobody else thinks are funny. I CRY: Way more than I should, but way less than I used to. I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: My Christmas gifts every year. I WRITE: In my blog more than anywhere else right now. I REGRET: Not writing as much as I should. I NEED: Someone to hold me when I've had a bad day. (I know, I'm sappy.) I SHOULD: Spend more time writing and less time moping. (Are we noticing a theme here?) I MUST: seem like such a loser stop being so mean to myself. I DON'T: value my commitments to myself... only my commitments to others.

Let's aul ryt lyk blog trols

Warning: This article is very disturbing...

The Dumbing Down of America

Not a girly girl...

I find myself constantly reminded of the fact that I have an EXTREMELY difficult time relating to the super girly-girl types. My friends tend to be guys or girls who get along better with guys. Over the last few years, I have become friends with more women (as my guys friends ran off and got married, moved away, etc.) but there are still women with whom I find conversation to be extremely awkward, for several reasons:
1. I hate to talk about make-up, unless of course the conversation is about A LACK of make-up, or record speed in putting on make-up. I am very low maintenance, and do not relate to the people who talk about their daily skin and make-up regimen.
2. I do not like when women consider themselves to be LESSER BEINGS than their husbands. I can understand a certain level of submissiveness, but to act like one's spouse is the only person in the family who knows anything about anything is completely absurd, and I cannot deal with it.
3. I don't mind talking about my "stuff" (clothes, household items, etc.) but I don't want to talk about them all of the time. My possessions are not my identity, nor should they be. I should not be viewed as a better/worse person because of the quality of my things, but unfortunately I find that even Christians are guilty of this sometimes.
4. I like to talk about/analyze literature and movies--girly girls tend not to do this. They watch the movie, and don't really think a lot about it afterward. When I talk about what I think could have been done better in a movie, I generally get a blank stare from these women. Men are always open to debating the quality of a movie/book. Why is this?

The moral of the story is, I'm not an extremely girly girl. Yes, I like to do different things with my hair (as long as it doesn't take more than 3 minutes to do in the morning). Yes, I occasionally like to wear a skirt or dress. But I'm also not afraid to leave the house as I am, no make-up, no
hairstyle, just me--wash and wear...
So I suppose my challenge, to myself, is to try to find some common ground with those girly-girls that I struggle to connect with. I'm not sure what or where it is, but I'm sure I'll find it eventually! :)

Help!

I need help! I have several questions:
1)Has anyone here planned a bridal shower before?
2)Has anyone here planned a CO-ED shower before?
3)Has anyone here planned a shower with approximately 60 guests before?
4)How do you survive said activities without GOING INSANE and/or RIPPING YOUR HAIR OUT?

That is all.

This one's for the geeks

Okay, so who knew? It seems that Douglas Adams may have unintentionally done a bit of evangelizing... Sounds ridiculous, right? Hear me out:
Okay, so the answer to life, the universe & everything is 42, right?
There were 42 generations in the geneology of Jesus given in Matthew, chapter one, from the covenant with Abraham to the birth of Jesus.
Therefore (which we already know) Jesus is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

Hmmm...

Alright, so maybe I'm a little too geeky for my own darn good.

In case anyone had any doubts:

I love my cat. When I need to take pictures for any event, I finish up the roll with pictures of the cats in my life. Here are a couple of the most recent pictures.

My exceedingly adorable and lovable Smokey:




















And my roommate's rather disgruntled (and recently shaved) cat Spooky:

Don't Eat This Book

Being the bibliophile that I am, I have a membership card to Barnes and Noble. This card usually offers me such pleasures as 10% off all purchases I make in the store, as well as occasional e-mail coupons awarding me an additional percentage off. Yesterday the coupon I received was different. It was not for an additional percentage off--It was a coupon for a FREE tall Starbucks Frappuccino. Of course this warranted a near-immediate visit to our local Barnes and Noble.
Once again, being the bibliophile that I am, almost ANY trip to Barnes and Noble results in the purchase of at least three books. (Last week I did manage to escape without purchasing a SINGLE book... I was looking for a certain CD that they didn't have at Best Buy, I walked into the music area, it was right there in front of me. I grabbed it, bought it, and ran out of the store as quickly as possible to avoid the temptation of the books...)
At any rate, this particular visit to Barnes and Noble resulted in the purchase of three books, along with the most recent issue of Poets & Writers magazine (which I should really subscribe to, since I buy it almost every time, anyway). The first two books were: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk and The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. Chuck Palahniuk is the man who wrote the book Fight Club and his stories always very strange, creepy and intriguing. The other book just sounded good.
The third book I bought is found in the title of this post: Don't Eat This Book by Morgan Spurlock. For anyone who doesn't know, Morgan Spurlock is the man who did the documentary Supersize Me. This book sort of expands on what the movie covered as well as addressing completely different areas of the "obesity crisis". I just started the book and it is proving to be highly entertaining.
The moral of the story is, I need to stay away from Barnes and Noble until I get my gift card from work. It is a bad, bad place.

The Greatest Compliment

Tonight I went bowling and to shoot pool with a LOT of my co-workers. It was quite an adventure. I didn't really bowl so well, and I actually only played one round of pool... Eh, whatever--at least everyone liked my "belt" which was actually my crossword puzzle tie. That's what's really important. That was the GREATEST compliment. Okay, so maybe not. The greatest compliment (to me) actually occurred when I was NOT shooting pool. After bowling a smaller group of us decided to go and shoot pool. Three of us actually ended up just sitting around talking the whole 3 hours we were there.
So, we're talking about work, and life , and such, and as it always does, the topic made it's way around to the ominous "religion" talk. I'm always nervous that I'll say the wrong thing and make someone mad, or that I'll say something that reflects poorly on Jesus. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Anyway, this is where the greatest compliment comes into play. One of the two co-workers involved told me that until she met me, she pretty much just didn't like Christians. To me, it is an AWESOME compliment, but at the same time, it makes me sad. It makes me mourn. She shared with me some of the bad experience she's had, my other co-worker talked about how her Christian SISTER treats her poorly, and I wanted to cry. I'm grateful that God can use me to change peoples views of Christians, but at the same time, I am so upset that people should be in a situation where someone needs to change their views of Christians. I have been told this by several people, and I am joyful that God wants to use me to change that, but still sad that it needs to be done. They should be receiving our love regardless of their current beliefs or choices. (When I say our, I mean "the church" in general, the entire body of Christians.) Let's be honest, if you want to make me angry, you will tell me about a Christian who treated others poorly because of their beliefs or lifestyle. Is this what Jesus would do? Not even close. We all know that those are the people that Jesus would CHOOSE to spend time with.
So, now what? Perhaps if ya'll could pray for these co-workers that their bitterness based on past experiences would be removed and they would become open to considering Jesus. That would be great. Thanks! See ya'll later!

Double Standards

I know many of ya'll will probably laugh at me because I do like country music, and that is partially what this post is about. And after I'm done, I'm sure that there will be jokes about the lower intelligence of full time country listeners, and I won't deny that. Good thing I only listen to country part time, and my country season ended last week. I knew it was over when I woke up last Friday and was listening to country and I changed the station because it wasn't loud enough. I knew country season was over when I woke up in a Metallica sort of mood. But I still have a beef with full time country listeners/country devotees/rednecks.
Here's the rant: In 2003, right before the war in Iraq began, the Dixie Chicks made a statement while in concert in England. They stated that they were ashamed that the president of the USA was from their home state of Texas. That was it. That was the statement. After they made that statement, over 1000 country stations across the country BANNED the Dixie Chicks from radio play. To this day, those stations STILL have an informal ban on the Dixie Chicks. A large number of their listeners stopped listening to them.
My problems with this are: 1) What happened to freedom of speech? It seems like we've become more policed, less free, than most of us would be willing to admit. Big Brother IS watching. 2)Toby Keith and his launch of what I like to refer to as "boot in the ass country" because of the lyrics of his "Angry American" song. These songs are BLINDLY patriotic. Don't get me wrong... Generally patriotism has it's good points BUT when it comes to BLIND patriotism, it just demonstrates an inability to think for one's self. The blindly patriotic only know that they stand for America, and they regergitate all statements made by the president. They take the stand that the president is INFALLIBLE because he is, after all, the PRESIDENT. Once again, being supportive of the president, even if you don't always agree, is one thing... Just nodding and smiling and going along with whatever he says, giving the president the authority of GOD, is another thing all together... And that's what the blindly patriotic do.
Basically, it just ENRAGES me that the Dixie Chicks can be boycotted for saying that they are ashamed to be from the same state as our president--not saying that what they said is right or wrong, just that it's their RIGHT--but Toby Keith gets to hang around despite redneck, ignorant statements like "we'll put a boot in their ass, it's the American way." It's okay to make America come across as a bunch of bullies. AGHHHHHHHHH. Even worse, in concert, Toby Keith equated the Dixie Chicks with SADDAM HUSSEIN!!!!! It's one thing to be ignorant and think that America is supposed to be all about REVENGE, but to equate those who disagree with you as equally evil to a terrorist?! If you don't like the Dixie Chicks, just change the station... It's what I have to do every time Toby Keith comes on...
Sorry for the rant. I just really had to get that out after reading the article about the Dixie Chicks in Time Magazine this week. Most of it was old news. What was NEW news to me, was that they even received DEATH THREATS because of what they said. Things like this make me NOT proud to be an American. That's not to say that I don't appreciate it--I do--I am grateful everyday when I think about all of the other places I could have been born. But it makes me said that so often America conveys itself as a bully, as a biggot, rather than as a kind and protective society...

Pretending

I find myself frequently pretending...
Pretending I know things that I do not
Pretending to be happier than I am
Pretending to be comfortable with life
Pretending to be wise and successful
Pretending to be less rude than others
Pretending to be faithful at all times
Pretending not to care when I am forgotten
Pretending this is the life I wanted

In case anybody is wondering, yes I am in a bit of a contemplative mood tonight. I had another dream last night. I would guess it had to do with all the happy couples I had the pleasure of spending time with yesterday. There were people at the party who are not coupled off also, but for some reason, I was having trouble noticing them. At any rate, this morning I saw another happy couple at church that I have not seen for a while, and their presence reminded me of somebody else.
Today I am in a mood where I could have an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind moment. Today I feel like having all memories of someone erased. I want them out of my head. I want to stop having dreams. I want to stop thinking about this person every time I go to certain restaurants, every time I see certain people, every time I hear certain songs. Today, I would rather be numb than feel this way. I do not always feel that way. Some days I would go through all the bad memories again, just to be able to relive the good. Today is not one of those days. Things keep coming up that are making this more and more difficult. People keep saying things that raise even more questions for me. I just want somebody who has not really been involved with this whole mess to come to me and tell me, Jeni, this is the way that things are going to be--This is what God has for you. I know it is not likely to happen, and I will not be sitting around waiting for it. But it would make things so much easier.
I am very confused. If what I feel like God is telling me is actually a reality, and all the things that I thought were confirmations really were, then I feel like I am being unfaithful for asking for more proof as well as something to keep me busy in the mean time. But if it is just made up in my head and not from God at all, then I do not want to be caught sitting around waiting for something that is never going to happen. Ugh. What is a girl to do?

Neighbors, Work & A Question

So this post is going to be a little random and scattered, so I will number my topics just to avoid confusion.

1. My neighbors are driving me insane. They are outside in their back yard yelling at each other. The sound is travelling in my window. I have to be to work at 6 am. They're not fighting, they're just being generally obnoxious teenagers. I really would like to get to sleep soon.

2. The thing at work that I thought was going to happen and I'm still up in the air about whether it is a good thing or not. Mostly I'm nervous. If you don't know what I'm talking about and you would like to, ask me about it at church on Sunday. I can't say too much about it here because I don't know who is reading.

3. My question: Sometime fairly recently in church, there was a verse we talked about that had to do with our hearts being deceitful. I was wondering if anyone could let me know what the verse was... I looked through my notes, but I can't seem to be able to find it. I wanted to send it to my friend Amy . We looked for it briefly, but couldn't find it.

Pretty much, that's all right now. If anyone has any good ideas on how to get my neighbors to shut up, that would be greatly appreciated! :)

Nerdery brought to you by the letter J

My name is Jeni and I'm an Idolholic. Yes, I am refering to American Idol. I started watching it because I wanted to laugh at the people who were auditioning who couldn't sing. It was particularly entertaining with the witty commentary of my roommates. It became the one consistent thing that we do together. Every week, we gather in the living room (or shout from living room to one bedroom) and watch as another wanna-be singer is eliminated. Most of the people I disliked were voted out early. But there is one who has managed to linger. I don't know how or why anyone votes for this contestant, labeled by one roommate as the "Keebler Elf of American Idol." Now tonight, I am feeling completely and totally disillusioned. The only contestant who seemed to have any odds of having commercial success was eliminated. I just don't understand. One contestant, they seem to keep around just because he's quirky. I don't quite understand. He's entertaining to watch, and his style is interesting, but it really doesn't seem to have much of a chance of being popular in the mainstream. But what do I know? I'm certainly not mainstream. I am just a disillusioned soul without an Idol to support. And I do not deny being a complete and total nerd. Feel free to laugh, point, and mock. But please don't be too harsh. Remember, American Idol = Roommate Relations. :)

What I SHOULD have done.

So, the running... It was fun, though the event was not terribly well organized. But this post is not about that. This post is about WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE.
In the beginning, back in January, when we first started running, I flat out sucked... There is no other way to put it. The first week, I couldn't run the whole mile we were supposed to do. I blamed it on the cold I had acquired, and moved on. The second week, I didn't have the cold anymore, but I still had to turn back before we were supposed to. I was bad. I was not used to having to push through pain, anymore. I thought I had left that behind in high school. I wanted to cry because I was so far removed from where I had been in high school. I had gone into the whole thinking (yes, very stupid, I know) that I could just jump back in and instantly be in the shape I was in when I was playing soccer year round. I was pushing myself to keep up with everyone else. This was my pride, not wanting to be the slowest person out there, pushing myself too hard to try to keep up, rather than just to finish.
The third week proceeded in the same fashion, and afterwards, I started having some knee problems. I also was having problems with the muscle in the front of my leg. My knees were trying to buckle on me when I was going down the stairs from my bedroom. They hurt when I sneezed, when I laughed, or when I coughed. It was not something I was used to. At the advice of our WONDERFUL small group leader (thanks, Den) I took the week off and when I ran that Sunday, I slowed it down. I made no attempt to even THINK about keeping up with the others. I set myself the new goal of just finishing. By that point, we were at 2 1/4 miles. I hadn't even been able to finish the one mile running 2 minutes and walking 2 minutes. But on this day, once I had thrown away my pride and slowed down, I finished the 2 1/4 miles running 3 minutes and walking 1.
Just finishing that first time did amazing things for my confidence. The following week I finished the 3 miles running 4 walking 1, which was my ultimate goal, and we were only 5 weeks in! (Thanks for your help on that one, Toph!) In the weeks that proceeded, leading up to today, there was only week when I didn't complete the run I had started out to complete, and that was completely my own fault. I drank a couple of glasses of wine the night before. Yes, I know. Dumb to drink the night before running--and I suffered the consequences of that decision.
After that, I took another week off because of the random migraine headaches I had been experiencing. It was frustrating. I felt like I was being attacked (I'm sure I was!) because the migraines had started around the same time as the running, though the two WERE NOT associated. (That whole situation is improving, by the way!) To top it off, I had acquired another cold that week. I was certain on Sunday that I would be wimping out halfway through. But that week I ran 3.8 miles. (I drove my car down there afterwards to see how far I'd gone...) I was so excited that I set an even loftier goal for myself the next week. I wanted to make it to Keystone. 5 miles. I wanted to prove that I could do it. To myself. To my friends. To my family. To God (who knew all along...) I ran that 5 miles 5 minutes running 1 minute walking, and on a couple of occasions ran longer than the 5 minutes. I ended strong, running 9 minutes continuously to finish.
OKAY! Now is where the part about WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE comes in. After this, several people encouraged me to change my registration to the 10K rather than the 5K. I was too lazy. I didn't want to go to the trouble of trying to find out how to change my registration. I also wanted to look good. In my head, if I ran the 5K I would look pretty good, not great, but pretty good. My time would be fair, rather than SLOW. It was my pride again. I wanted MYSELF to look good and completely missed what God wanted from me.
I registered for a different 5K, just so I would have one under my belt before I did this big one. Not only was it muddy because of the rain the night before, but the guy directing traffic in the hills sent a group of us the wrong way and we ended up running more like a 7.5K. After this, I had even more nudging from people to change my registration from 5K to 10K. I even started to feel the nudging from God. But I couldn't see the logic in it through my pride, so I stuck with the 5K where I could have a "decent" finish.
Clearly God had other plans for me. Today, come race time, I just wanted to get the 5K over with in 30 minutes or less. At the 30 minute mark, we had just turned around. No turn around had been marked, and we had gone way too far. I was frustrated because I knew I should be finished. I started to wonder if I was just REALLY slow. I gave up for a few minutes and just walked. I was upset that this had happened AGAIN. When I finished and found out where we were supposed to have turned around, I was even more frustrated. I had been between 13 and 14 minutes at that point and I always run the second half faster. I could have done SO well... There was my pride talking again. Stupid pride.
So here's how I feel about the whole thing. I should have taken the effort to register for the 10 K. I almost ran it, anyway. And God kind of gave me the "you're going to run the 10 K whether you like it or not" treatment. And now, despite my pride, the glory all goes to God. I look awful with my 47 minute time for the 5K, which is exactly what I deserve for being prideful, but God is glorified anyway because he took someone who couldn't run a mile three and a half months ago and made me into someone who could have run SIX! IN THREE AND A HALF MONTHS! AMAZING! Thank you, Lord! :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have continuously encouraged me during this time! I love you all so much! Particularly, thanks to Dennis and Sue, who NEVER stopped encouraging me, no matter how poorly I was running! Thanks guys.

Now, the next goal, so that ya'll can keep me accountable to this:
I want to run a half marathon next year. I would like to run in the Country Music Marathon in Nashville and do the half-marathon. It is April 28th of next year, so I literally have almost a year. The trip to Nashville would be sort of a reward for preparing to do a half-marathon. I love Nashville. So, anyway--that is the goal!

If you've read this far, thanks for sticking around. Have an awesome week!

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

A couple weeks ago (Easter weekend), I read a book that is the first in a series of fiction novellas based on the influential women in the line of Jesus. It is called Unveiled, and is based on the life of Tamar, daughter-in-law of Judah, mother of Perez and Zerah(Genesis 38). The story is told from Tamar's perspective, and the angle is one of undying hope. When Tamar was taken as Er's wife, he treated her poorly, and God took Er's life. Then she was given to Onan, that he might give her children and further the line of Judah. But Onan was stubborn and refused to produce a child that would be considered Er's, and so God took him also. Tamar was sent back to live as a widow with her father's family with the promise that Judah would send for her as soon as Shelah was mature enough to have children.
At any rate, during this period of time in the fictional story, Tamar was portrayed as having an undying confidence that she would one day be the one to further the line of Judah. And eventually she did, though she had to resort to trickery to get to that point because she knew what she was entitled to.
The real question here is, what is the cost of holding onto hope, of believing in something that nobody else believes in, and how long can it last? How can we know whether the nudgings of our hearts are really from God, as they were for Tamar?

Oversharing

I have recently come to realize that I have a tendency to overshare. I don't recognize it in the moment that it's happening, but as soon as I walk away from the conversation, I think to myself Oh my goodness... What was I thinking? Why did I tell them all of that. I don't do it with people I've just met, but once I feel fully comfortable around a person, I just randomly start blurting out whatever comes to my mind. And later, I realize that the person I'd been talking to is probably thinking one of two things: either why is she telling me this or I never realized how crazy she was until she started talking or possibly both. :) So, if you happen to be reading this, and my oversharing has annoyed you/freaked you out/left you puzzled, please consider this my personal apology. HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!!!

The Wrong Priorities

Right now, my priorities are all out of whack. There are many things I'd like to care about doing right now, but I don't.

Things I care about doing right now:
Sleeping
Laying in bed doing nothing
Sleeping
Sleeping
Maybe watching a movie
Eating (only because if I don't, I'll be hungry later...)

Things I wished I cared about doing right now, because I'm not doing anything, but I just want to be alone and unproductive:
Praying
Writing
Running
Cooking
Calling my friends
Going to pick up my dress
Reading a book

Things I never care about doing, but occasionally force myself to do anyway, which I am also not doing right now:
Putting away my clothes
Vacuuming
General Cleaning

Well, I guess that's all. My mind is already thinking about going back to bed, and so I think I will.

More fun with the Evil K

Monday night, I was looking through an old New York Times that was laying on the floor in the living room, and I found a typo. That was the highlight of my day. I know, pretty sad. I am aware how completely and totally geeky that makes me. And that is not what this post is about. This post is about work.
I know I almost never write about work, but today, I shall. There's a bunch of crazy weird stuff going on. We have two people who put in their two weeks notice this week. It won't be that big of a deal, because they really aren't the best workers in the world, but since they both work swing shift in self serve, it kind of leaves us in a pickle. There are also other complicated situations that have arisen that I can't really talk about because there are a couple of people from work who could be reading this. UGH. Anyway, the point is, work sucks right now because there are a lot of things that are kind of up in the air for me right now. I just wanted to get that out.
Aside from work, everything else is okay. I'm not entirely convinced that what I ran this weekend/today was actually three miles because it only took me 25 minutes today, and I walked part of it. So I think it may have been less... I don't know. My cat still likes me most of the time, so that's a good thing. I am running a pre-5K 5K this Saturday, because I can, for the "Run 4 Life." After that, I am going to visit my sister in Falabama. Not particularly looking forward to that trip for a few reasons, most having to do with the fact that it's FALABAMA!!! The following Saturday is Walk America for work, and then we all know what happens the weekend after that! AHHHHHHH!!
Okay, so now that I have given an update on my life, just so that nobody thinks I fell off the edge of the earth (since it's flat and all), I have nothing else to say. My life is rather boring (in a good way).

Have I mentioned?

My dreams sometimes freak me out. Additionally they also frequently annoy me-- in the "what the heck was that supposed to mean" sort of way, or the "that would never happen" sort of way.

The "what the heck was that supposed to mean" ones generally leave me feeling confused, or disoriented. They make me wonder if things I thought were true are really not true, or they make me think that something that I really desire may eventually come true. Inevitably, this happens as soon as I've come to terms with the fact/thought/made up ideal that I'm holding on to an unrealistic dream.

The "that would never happen" dreams just leave me irritated because I feel like they have no meaning, no substance. They usually consist of people from different parts of my life being in the same place. For example, people from church and people from work, all living together in one house, working for a church that is functioning as a corporation... Or people from church sending updates on church events to the evilK e-mail, and everyone at work acting as though this is important information for them to know. Now that I type them here, they seem to make more sense, but still... What's with my mixing people up? It's not like I make an effort to separate the people at work from the people at church--maybe it's just like everyone is just one GREAT BIG part of my family.

Sorry for the random post on dreams... I thought it was just going to be a quick thought. Oh well--It's not like it's any surprise to anyone that I am longwinded... :)

A Perfect Pairing

It was June of 2004 when I met the main guy in my life. It was a sweltering day, and naturally I was outside. I had stumbled out of bed early that morning to help my roommate set up for the Reno Mustang Car Club's summer car show. I was in charge of getting the people who had pre-registered all signed in. It was quite a busy morning, but by afternoon, there was nothing left for me to do but hang out and have a good time.
I wandered around the lot checking out all of the cars (and their owners of course, on the off chance that one WASN'T middle-aged) and all of the vendor booths. The vendor booths seemed far more lucrative than the cars. The Humane Society adopt-a-pet van turned out to be the best booth of them all. Right when I walked in, his round green eyes caught mine, and I knew right away that he was the one for me. As I drew closer, it was obvious that the affection was not one-sided, and that he was eager to be mine.
I didn't want to make any rash decisions, so I went back to the table and discussed the situation with my roommate. She agreed that we should check out the situation with him. We headed back to the van and stepped inside. By this time, there were other people checking out my guy. I found myself getting really jealous, and I had to step outside and pray that to God that no one would snatch this guy away from me. I could tell that he didn't really like any of the others as much as he liked me, and so I was still hopeful.



And the rest is history. Smokey came home with me that night. Since that point he has been my prime source of cuddling and the inspiration for many photographs.

The Epitome of Pride (writing exercise)

I hate the texture of unrequited love, its steel wool courseness rubbing my insides raw--
began my first attempt at a novel. A real flesh and blood novel, that came from my hands, my heart. I had finished it and was certain it was something people around the world HAD to read. My best friend, of course, saw the reality of the situation and tried to convince me that it was crap. In fact, not only was it crap, it was a "festering pile of crap." But my mind was made up. The literary community was about to reveal a "gem of a novel." I would be praised for my willingness to share my TRAGIC TALE OF HEARTBREAK.

The places we went together still stand firm, icons of what was never mind. I see his face in the spackle on my wall, the threads of my favorite sweater, the iris of my eyes. His voice still whispers to me in the silence of the night, waking me from dreams of him. Oh, that I could use that same steel wool to scour away the memories of him.

Bobbi warned me that it was over the top. She begged me to cut back on the "flowery language" and the melodramatic "woe is me" air of it all, but what would she know. I was convinced that she just didn't understand--that if she had been in my situation, as many people certainly have, it would all make sense to her. I ignored her advise and maxed out my credit card paying for the copying, binding, and mailing off of one hundred complete manuscripts, one hundred pieces of my soul. With that many copies going out, I was certain that at least one editor would fall in love with my creative masterpiece. I remained confident and positive, even as the rejection letters began pouring in.
Then I received the letter that changed it all, that announced defeat.

Dear Miss Sapstrom,
I have no words to express my complete and total distaste with this book--So I'll offer you the words of the famous Dorothy Parker:
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
Preferably into the nearest rubbish bin or fireplace.

I would advise you to reconsider your plans of becoming a novelist.

Thank you for your submission,
Jonna Feo


I called Bobbi, and I bawled and sputtered my way through the letter. I bared my devastation as I imagined my dreams splattering on the ground like a waterballoon on a searing summer day. And as best friends do, she gave me everything I needed--support, encouragement, and prayer; and in true Bobbi fashion, an aptly timed, "I told you so."

Comedy or Drama?

I was at work this week (as is the case with most weeks) and one of my co-workers told me about a new movie coming out starring Samuel L. Jackson. Apparently, the movie is about a terrorist plot that takes place 30,000 feet in the air that involves terrorists letting snakes loose on a plane full of people. Sounds interesting enough, right?
Then my co-worker tells me the title... Snakes on a Plane...
I, of course, being the logically minded person that I am, laughed at him when he told me this. I thought it was a joke; after all, the title Snakes on a Plane sounds like a wonderful title for a comedy. I thought he was making it up. But the sad truth of the matter is that he was not. The movie really is called Snakes on a Plane. I even confirmed it with the Internet Movie Database.
And apparently there is even a scene in which, after the snakes were let loose, the flight attendant comes into the cabin and yells, "EVERYBODY RUN!!!" And of course the passengers are all thinking, "Where am I supposed to run? I'm on a blasted PLANE!!!!"